In Light of the Current Standard of Reason... A New Solution to the Federal Shutdown

In the last few weeks we have witnessed something rare in American politics. The Federal Shutdown, which was expected to be a crippling embarrassment to Democrats, Republicans, and the nation at large... has been just that. In this way, a nation once seemingly torn apart by partisan bickering has found common ground in its anger. 

Congratulations, America!

But before we write off this Congress as hopeless, let's take a look at our role in this mess. After all, We The People are the most schizophrenic, under/mis informed, and needy special interest group of them all. We elect Congressmen to represent our erratic will, so why should we be surprised by the results. Right now we hate them for being uncompromising, but let's face it, if they brokered a sensible deal we'd run them out office as spineless backsliders.  

You just can't win with the American people. 

I propose we help our Congressmen out:

1) It's clear that thoughtful contemplation is pointless in contemporary political culture. Therefore, the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool should be paved over to create the National Dueling Grounds: An open air arena with a 100'x60' grass dueling pitch. At the long ends will be 10' high earthen berms, along the sides will be seating for every member of Congress, the President, his Cabinet, and the Supreme Court. 

2) A quick draft of the 28th Amendment: At any time, whether or not Congress is in session, any member of Congress shall have the power to challenge any other to a duel to the death in order to resolve the business of the Congress. The challenging member must be seconded. The challenged member may choose their second, or have one appointed by the Supreme Court. The duel must take place within 48 hours of the challenge at the National Dueling Grounds. It shall be held at noon of that day, and decided with pistols at 20 paces. Each combatant shall have 10 shots. The challenged member shall choose his end of the pitch. Should both participants survive the duel, a winner will be chosen through simple majority by Twitter poll.

3) A matching set of Colt 1911 .45 caliber pistols will be commissioned, and kept by a non-partisan Congressional Armorer. Upon election, each member of Congress shall have custom tactical grips made to fit their hands, which will be fitted by the armorer when needed. The pistols will be nickel-clad and engraved with glorious scenes from America's past. They will officially be known as the Filiblasters. 

We've seen that the threat of disgrace and embarrassment won't make Congress act. But perhaps the Specter of Death will move them.