Christmas Movie Power Rankings for 2013

With the Holiday season in full swing, this power ranking of the top 10 Christmas movies will help you organize and prioritize screenings for you and your family.

There are two criteria which determine each film's rank. First is the overall quality of the film (as judged by me). Second is the film's current relevance (according to the same panel). 

The first score doesn't change much from year to year. Hence, it's the second score that really stirs the rankings. 

10. A Christmas Story (1983)

It's the Great American Epic for those who once considered Johnny Carson the Great American Humorist. It's a nostalgic portrait of what passed for family dysfunction in the 1950's midwest. The film cracks the list because its tameness makes for annual ubiquity on basic cable.

It loses points for contemporary relevance, due to the protagonist's outdated longing for a .22 rifle. Raised on a decade of special-ops headshooting games, today's kids want some serious firepower coming down the chimney. 

9. The Polar Express (2004)

Whereas the book is an understated classic, the movie is a big budget CGI-driven spectacular starring Tom Hanks. Because of its continual refinement, CGI doesn't always age well, and even the best can end up looking cheap by their fifth birthday. Hence, it's difficult to gage this movie's actual timelessness. I should have a better idea in forty years. 

The film's greatest strength is its run time of 100 minutes. In other words, it will occupy the kids for 85 minutes longer than the book, and all you have to do is press play and refresh your egg nog. 

8. A Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

It's saccharine piece of garbage, but it makes the list by dominating the airwaves from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day. 

Expect it to slide in future years. The film begins with the Thanksgiving Day Parade, a boring institution which gets cheesier ever year. Much of it is set at Macy's, which was classy and cool in 1947, but doesn't mean much to modern shoppers. Finally, Kris Kringle's trial hinges on the integrity and cultural authority of the federal government, which is downright quaint. The film's contemporary relevance should only continue to slide. 

Yes Virginia, everything really was that lame in the olden days.

7.  Elf (2003)

For the time being, Elf is in a holding pattern around the middle of the order. Though an instant classic on its release, it is now a stale, 10-year old movie, featuring a no-longer-box-office-gold star. In a few years, it will hit the nostalgia sweet spot (15-20 years after release), sooner if Anchorman 2 is a hit (or Will Ferrell dies of a heroin overdose). At that point, it will be anchored in the Top 5. 

Context aside, the film's humor is solid, and it doesn't lean on its effects budget as much as The Polar Express. Using the Empire State Building and Central Park as key settings is smart, as those things will probably still be around in a few decades. 

6. The Santa Claus (1994)

Here is a perfect example of the nostalgia curve in action. The Santa Claus dominated the holiday box office in 1994 thanks to its white-hot star, Tim Allen (in November '94, Home Improvement was the highest rated show in America, and Allen's book hit number one on the New York Times bestseller list). Fifteen years later, the movie was a Clinton-era artifact with two bad sequels.

This is year, it's begun to work its way into the basic cable rotation, as America comes to remember that Tim Allen is a solid comedic actor. The Santa Claus is only his third best film (behind Toy Story and Galaxy Quest), but at a sentimental time of year, it may be the one that leads re-sparks interest in his works.

5. Jingle All the Way (1996)

When it comes to prime Christmas nostalgia, what's better than one 1990's comedy icon?

Three! In this case Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, and Phil Hartman. Critics hated Jingle All the Way for Schwarzenegger's wooden acting (despite nearly two decades of box office receipts, they had yet to figure out that America counted this as a positive), and materialistic premise. Which is to say it's critically despised in the best way possible.

Furthermore, in an age when Black Friday is a semi-holiday in its own right, Arnold and Sinbad's struggle to secure the last Turbo-Man for their sons is as relatable as ever.

4. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Stop-motion never goes out of style. This is what keeps RRNR in the top 5, despite its annoying theme song.

It's also the go-to film for those who spend their Christmas plagued by emotional demons. Just get a few chronically depressed friends together and go around the room picking out which Misfit Toy you're most like.

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

It explored the over-commercialization of Christmas before that became its own empty headed cliche. Nearly 50 years later, it remains the definitive work on the subject. It's sarcastic, witty, charming, sweet-hearted and even edgy. Directly quoting the Gospel to explain the meaning of Christmas was as bold a statement then as it would be today.

On top of that, it introduced the Peanuts universe's signature tune: Linus and Lucy.

2. Frozen (2013)

I've never seen this movie. I don't even know if its been released in theaters yet. I'm just pandering to the children. After all, they're the one who will staff my nursing home.

1. Lethal Weapon (1987)

It's not even close. Lethal Weapon is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.

Not only that, it's one of the greatest movies for any time of year.

It's the story of Roger Murdock (Danny Glover) an old-school, by-the-book LAPD detective paired with Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson), a loose cannon special-ops veteran. Together they hunt down those who would make Christmas unmerry for the people of Los Angeles. Early tensions threaten to overwhelm the partnership. However, in time they develop mutual respect, professionally and personally.

It all comes to a head in one of the greatest fight scenes ever, a Jailhouse Rock soaked Jiu-Jitsu match between Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Joshua (Gary Busey). Though Riggs wins the fight with a triangle choke, Joshua steals a gun off an arresting officer, and takes aim before being gunned down by Riggs and Murdock...

Together.

Once stuck with each other through an error of destiny, the two men not only put aside their differences, but created a bond so strong they knew to turn and shoot with one mind.

And coming together with your fellow man is what Christmas is all about. 

A Haunting in Brooklyn: The Real Forces Behind the Brooklyn Nets' Lost Season

For those of you who don't follow the NBA, the Brooklyn Nets are having a rough season. Their front office went all-in on contending for a championship this year, with disastrous results so far.

Unimaginative as they are, reporters, pundits, and internet shouting-heads have looked for explanations on the court. They reason that this team is old, slow, and undercoached. Some believe this team just hasn't yet found its stride.

They're wrong.

This has nothing to do with basketball.

What's happening in Brooklyn is a classic horror story. The best laid plans of the rich and arrogant have been wrecked by ancient, immutable forces which lurk in the lizard brain of our universe.

It started well before the Nets tipped off in Brooklyn. The team's rusting freighter hulk which suggests to all who see it that death is the only purpose of life lovely new arena, Barclays Center, was built thanks to questionable eminent domain rulings which condemned many local residences and businesses so that Brooklyn could once again have a major-league sports team.

They should have known better. In supernatural terms, reckless eminent domain usage is the yuppie equivalent to digging up an Indian graveyard.

A curse had been born.

Compounding the issue, the site of Barclays Center is where the Brooklyn Dodgers were supposed to have a new stadium before ownership pulled up stakes for Los Angeles. Just as the Overlook Hotel was a hotspot for evil, so are the Atlantic Yards an extrascientific locus for sports heartbreak.  

None of this was obvious at first. In their first season in Brooklyn, the Nets made the playoffs before losing in the first round. So far so good. Fielding a decent team was important for a franchise building a fan base in a market with an established rival across the East River.

If only they knew what was coming.

As the summer of 2013 wore on, hopes were rising. Then the worst happened. To meet its owner's hubristic demand for a championship, the Nets' front office traded several veteran players and three first round picks to the Boston Celtics for...

A TRIO OF WALKERS!!!!!!!!!!!

Once vibrant humans, the specimens formerly known as Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Jason Terry now haunt the Barclays Center. Though bearing rough physical resemblance to their former selves, they can only shuffle and limp their decayed, broken bodies around the court. What life they still have is sucked from the rest of the team through some perverse osmosis still beyond scientific understanding.

Running this horror show is the Nets' head coach Jason Kidd. In another Shining parallel, Kidd is an alcoholic with a history of domestic violence sent to manage an operation he has no experience with, or understanding of. As winter wears on, the losses mount
, and Kidd's personal insecurities cut deeper into his sanity, expect him to try and axe murder his promising young center, Mason Plumlee.

No one knows what supernatural terrors are yet in store for the franchise. However, the smart money is on the reemergence of former minority owner Jay-Z. After all, he's really just an Oz-like specter hiding the world from a creatively exhausted rapper turned figurehead executive.

Ghosts. Zombies. Curses. Go Nets!

If the Cowboys Are America's Team, What Does That Say About America?

In fairness to the United States, the tagline 'America's Team' was invented by NFL Films, and does not carry any legitimate meaning.

However... If the Cowboys are America's Team, What does that imply about us as a nation?

1. That America peaked in the mid-1990's.

2. That, since that time, every one of our nation's victories has been undone by nonsensical blundering; leading to year after year of 8-8 outcomes.

3. We continue to appoint ineffectual head coaches whom we hang on to too long.

4. Our vast resources are squandered by an organization that cannot translate wealth to power.

5. Our roster's limited middle class makes it hard to build the team for the long term.

6. We once had a thing for Jessica Simpson.

Pretty cynical, but that's what 'America's Team' says about us. In the past, commentators have tried to claim the title for a new team that better accentuates our national virtues.

This is pointless. The title of 'America's Team' must be wrested like Excalibur from the Stone by the ONE TRUE TEAM.

I don't know which team that is, but I'll guess it's the Packers.

In Light of the Current Standard of Reason... A New Solution to the Federal Shutdown

In the last few weeks we have witnessed something rare in American politics. The Federal Shutdown, which was expected to be a crippling embarrassment to Democrats, Republicans, and the nation at large... has been just that. In this way, a nation once seemingly torn apart by partisan bickering has found common ground in its anger. 

Congratulations, America!

But before we write off this Congress as hopeless, let's take a look at our role in this mess. After all, We The People are the most schizophrenic, under/mis informed, and needy special interest group of them all. We elect Congressmen to represent our erratic will, so why should we be surprised by the results. Right now we hate them for being uncompromising, but let's face it, if they brokered a sensible deal we'd run them out office as spineless backsliders.  

You just can't win with the American people. 

I propose we help our Congressmen out:

1) It's clear that thoughtful contemplation is pointless in contemporary political culture. Therefore, the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool should be paved over to create the National Dueling Grounds: An open air arena with a 100'x60' grass dueling pitch. At the long ends will be 10' high earthen berms, along the sides will be seating for every member of Congress, the President, his Cabinet, and the Supreme Court. 

2) A quick draft of the 28th Amendment: At any time, whether or not Congress is in session, any member of Congress shall have the power to challenge any other to a duel to the death in order to resolve the business of the Congress. The challenging member must be seconded. The challenged member may choose their second, or have one appointed by the Supreme Court. The duel must take place within 48 hours of the challenge at the National Dueling Grounds. It shall be held at noon of that day, and decided with pistols at 20 paces. Each combatant shall have 10 shots. The challenged member shall choose his end of the pitch. Should both participants survive the duel, a winner will be chosen through simple majority by Twitter poll.

3) A matching set of Colt 1911 .45 caliber pistols will be commissioned, and kept by a non-partisan Congressional Armorer. Upon election, each member of Congress shall have custom tactical grips made to fit their hands, which will be fitted by the armorer when needed. The pistols will be nickel-clad and engraved with glorious scenes from America's past. They will officially be known as the Filiblasters. 

We've seen that the threat of disgrace and embarrassment won't make Congress act. But perhaps the Specter of Death will move them. 

Breaking Down Tim Tebow's Chances in the Ministry, Plus a Bonus Six-Pack on NFL Week 1

The 2013-14 NFL regular season is two weeks old, and Tim Tebow is still a free agent. Although he insists he is still in hot pursuit an NFL quarterbacking job, his two month stint as a New England Patriot was probably his last, best shot. His fans have always known he would have a productive life after football. It's just coming up sooner than expected.

Given his passion for spreading the Gospel, vocational ministry seems like a good fit. But does he have the right stuff, or will his football struggles follow him to the pulpit?

First, take a few minutes to review the Combine interview.

Now let's size him up at a few different positions:

1) Televangelist

On the surface this makes sense. It's a high-charisma job with large crowds to feed off. In the video you just watched, his comfort on the big stage is obvious. Better still, theological consistency doesn't matter; which is critical for someone with erratic fundamentals. After all, Joel Osteen became the biggest preacher in America by mixing Southern Baptism, Old-School Calvinism, and Eric Cartman-style prosperity gospel; then supercharging it with a winning smile.

However, I don't think this is the best fit for Tebow. In the Combine tape, it's clear he relishes the personal connections he forms with his flock. These relationships are the backbone of his moral authority. After all, he kept Aaron Hernandez relatively in line for three years. Even Bill Belichick couldn't do that.

Televangelising takes him off the front lines, which negates his greatest strength.

2) Catholic Priest

Considering that Tebow is a Southern Baptist, this one seems out of the cards. However, changing denominations could be his best route to personal and professional development.

His father Bob Tebow, has spent over 20 years doing missionary work in the Philippines; work that Tim has deep involvement in. It's important stuff too. In the words of the Bob Tebow Foundation, "Of the 86 million Filipinos, we estimate that over 65 million have never once heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

What better way to start turning things around than to master the Christless faith held by 80% of the locals: Roman Catholicism.

Tim's penchants for sexual abstinence and genuflection are a good start. Plus, joining the Priesthood would have trickle down benefits.

It's no leap to assume his quarterbacking struggles have their intellectual roots in Southern Baptism. It's stripped down clerical structure, belief in church autonomy, and insistence on individual conversion just doesn't prepare young men for the complicated, hyper-regimented, toe-the-line, move with one mind nature of an NFL offense.

The Catholic Church gives Tebow the grounding in organizational discipline he never had, along with the most Byzantine playbook known to man (settle down theology geeks! It's just an expression). If he can pick apart Meister Eckhart, the Ryan brothers don't stand a chance.

You might think this is nuts, but consider another strong-armed, scatter-balling southpaw. Michael Vick was removed from society for a year and half and somehow emerged as an accurate passer who now helms one of the league's most progressive, difficult offenses. A monastic stint could be just the thing to make Tebow the next great Catholic passer in the mold of Tom Brady, Dan Marino, and Joe Montana.

3) Christian Rocker

As far as I know Tebow has no serious musical background. Furthermore, starting a Christian rock band would mean throwing in the towel on football.

BUT

In the music business, succeeding on 47% of your attempts makes you the Second Coming of Elvis.


BONUS! SIX PACK OF THOUGHTS THROUGH WEEK 2 OF THE 2013-14 NFL SEASON

1) The Miami Dolphins uniform change is a disaster. The old uniforms oozed rackish 60's cool. The team's current logo looks like Free Willy after being beached for a week. The lettering must have been borrowed from a minor league soccer team.

2) Marc Trestman's seditious foreign influence is being felt. Not only are the Bears 2-0 with his edgy metric offense, but other teams are taking pages from the playbook of the Great White North. For a few years the sports media has foamed at the mouth about how the NFL has become a school-yard passing league. I think Bill Belichick has explained it better on several occasions by pointing out that today's game is played more in space. Horizontal concepts are becoming more important whether through run or pass. With that in mind, the success of wide field veterans such as Trestman, and players like Cameron Wake and Brandon Browner is no surprise.

3) It's strange to think that just a few years ago, Ndamukong Suh was one of the most popular players in the league. Remember when he was doing Subway commercials with Justin Tuck and Michael Phelps? How about his maudlin cruise through Portland in a Chrysler? With his current reputation it's hard to see him landing a high profile campaign again.

4) Being a starting quarterback in the NFL is a double-edged sword. When your team wins, you're showered in glory. When your team loses, you shoulder disproportionate blame. Unless you're Tony Romo, in which case you'll be blamed in any event. Every sane measure of quarterback play suggests that Romo is an above-average player who has spent his career dragging an undercoached, usually banged-up roster with no depth into relevance.

The best outcome is for the Cowboys to cut Romo at the end of the season. Given the weak market for over-30 starters, he'll probably settle for a backup job on a stacked team. Then when Russell Wilson/Colin Kaepernick/Matt Schaub/whoever goes down, Romo captains a brilliant Super-Bowl campaign in which he isn't running for his life every other play, and doesn't need three touchdowns to tie in every other fourth quarter.

On the other side, the Cowboys get a huge dead-money crater from Romo's accelerated cap hit. With that plus the dazed head coaching of Jason Garrett, and an incoherent roster of scrubs who squander the efforts of Demarcus Ware, Sean Lee, Dez Bryant, et. al. Dallas falls into the Number 1 pick of the 2015 Draft which it will use on Jamarcus Russell. This will confirm what we all thought: Al Davis' soul has found a natural home in the vessel of Jerry Jones

5) Wes Welker has already made some nice plays for the Denver Broncos, but against the Giants, he did have several drops, and against Baltimore, he muffed a punt return. In light of this, New England's decision to move on makes sense. Welker is still productive, but slot/middle of the field receivers don't age, so much as they fall of a cliff. Remember T.J. Houshmandzadeh? He got a big contract from Seattle after his age 31 season and lasted a year before falling into obscurity. Welker is better than Housh, but his diminished ball catching skills may be a symptom that the wear and tear is catching up.

Still, the arrangement works for everyone. Denver fills a hole in its offense, Welker comes to a team where he can crack wise in front of the cameras, and New England saves a 2014 roster spot for the guy they really want: Emmanuel Sanders

6) After starting 0-2, the Giants are becoming a trendy Super Bowl pick. After all, this team has not played well with the weight of expectation. The 2008 Giants followed a 12-4 regular season by losing a Divisional Round game in which they didn't score a touchdown. Last years Giants didn't even make the playoffs. With any hopes for this team fading, it has drawn comparisons to 2007, in which they started 0-2 before going on to win the Super Bowl.

I don't see it. The 2007 team was talented, but took some time to find it's stride. Between injuries, free-agent losses, and weak drafting, this team just doesn't have the horses. Sometimes, when no one believes in you... there's a reason.  

Psychoeuphorology Today's Wild West Road Show Part I: Only the Best Come North

Good morning from Minot, North Dakota.

If you're a fan of Mutually Assured Destruction, you know it for Minot Air Force Base, home of the 91st Missile Wing of the USAF, which is charged with keeping the world in the crosshairs of our Minutemen III ICBMs.

But if you're a petrochemical enthusiast, you know it as the great metropolis of the Bakken Oil Shale, which has only recently begun yielding oil and natural gas thanks to the wonders of hydrofracking.

It's the second reason that brought me here. Sort of.

The oil boom in Western North Dakota has put a strain on the region's infrastructure in every regard. My purpose here is to take a look at investments in housing for the booming population to see if they make sense for me; a slick talking Easterner who can't slick talk his way around the high prices and weak returns of the Northeastern real estate markets.

So far it looks promising. Conservative estimates suggest at least 30 years of hydrocarbon extraction, and the short construction season makes it hard to saturate the demand-heavy housing market in a timely way. As developers build cheap, fast, and low-density, housing prices should remain high (comparable to Manhattan for renters!) for the forseeable future.

My first impressions are mostly pleasant. I thought I was coming to the asshole of the world. I read Son of the Morning Star, and I was expecting horseflies the size of my fist, dust-storms, and suffocating heat. In the words of the USAF fact sheet, "Yes, it can get cold in the winter, but it also gets very warm during the summer." I've lucked out though. The forecast for my trip is sunny and 80 degrees.

Having lived in the Midwest, this place seems like Illinois, but more so. It's flatter, the people are nicer, and the service is slower, as I learned trying to get a cab from the airport.

The main street of Minot is Broadway. Driving it end to end tells you most of what you need to know about the people of this city:

1. Their favorite pastime is Lutheranism.
2. The principle form of nightlife is the Lounge Casino (more on that in a bit).
3. Minot is known as the Magic City.
4. Most fast food places are open 24 hours.

Last night, I acquainted myself with the lounge casino concept by completing the Dirty Old Man Triple Crown:

1. I went bowling alone, and rolled a 74!.
2. Hung out alone in an bar, where even the bartenders won't talk to me. It's owned by a Yankees fan. Being from Minot, he could go with any MLB team he wanted. He choose the one with the most tacky framed merchandise.
3. I played $1 blackjack, sponsored by the Minot Junior Golf Association. The chips feature a cartoon mouse holding a flag that says 'Wee Links.' The dealers wear a shirt with the same emblem.

... all at the same establishment.

In future installments, you'll hear all about my adventures in the Upper Plains, such as: tackling the Faulkneresque social structures of rural North Dakota, saving Dacotah culture, winning back my dollar blackjack losses, and reviewing the best Buffalo Steaks in Ward County.

It's all here in the Psychoeuphorology Today Wild West Road Show!

I Should Have Gone into Tech, and Other Observations on the Tumblr Buyout

One of this summer's biggest business news items is Yahoo's recent $1 billion buyout of Tumblr. In theory, the rationale is sound. Yahoo needs to shed it's image as a doddering relic of the Clinton Administration, and Tumblr is going broke. Still $1 billion is steep, especially considering that 3/4 of that is being accounted for as "goodwill."

The Tumblr brand has value, but... really... $750 million for a few missing vowels?

Sounds like Web 1.0 all over again.

What I mean is that change is provoking older companies to react out of fear.

My favorite example from the Pets.com era was a company called Razorfish. It was founded by Craig Kanarick and Jeff Dachis in 1995, as a web-development services company based in Manhattan. They built solid websites, but so did lots of companies, even then.

The real secret to Razorfish lay in its swaggering corporate culture. Kanarick and Dachis were classic arrogant hipsters. Their condescending manner towards clients was legendary, as was Dachis' mastery of empty buzzwords.

They didn't build websites, they asked you to recontextualize your business.

And in the glory years, there were plenty of clients who wanted to recontextualize. In times of change, overpriced "experts" make hay. Executives who feared and misunderstood the internet could pick up a phone, write a check, and be talked down to by a 26 year-old with blue hair. Nothing could be more reassuring.

Razorfish still exists, but it's a shell of its former self, and the founders moved on over a decade ago.
At its height, it was an overvalued company which profited off fear, rather than what it really brought to the table.

In 2013, Yahoo is behaving like a Razorfish client. The Tumblr deal reflects an old company panicking in order to keep up with competitors. It's a deal in line with the strategy the company has pursed since hiring 38 year-old former Google executive Marissa Mayer as its CEO. To her credit, Mayer has done what she was brought in to do: Make Yahoo.com function more like Google.

But casting yourself as a cheap imitation of a competitor is a tough way to get ahead. Tumblr is a sensible addition to Yahoo's portfolio of services, but paying $1 billion for a company whose value is mostly ephemeral is absurd. Given her experience, Mayer should have known better than to make a classic Web 1.0 mistake.

A Double Shot of Revisions to the American English Vernacular

Those of you who caught my Six-Pack of Thoughts on Orange is the New Black are familiar with my apocalyptic hypothesis in which all intellectual properties will be conformed to the cultural geometry of the beer industry. If you missed it, you can catch up here.

On reflection, I realize this notion was frivolous and absurd. Liquor brands will also be fighting for cultural dominance. To make up for this oversight, here is a Double Shot of Revisions to the American English Vernacular, brought to you by (Your Brand Here!).

A Word to Be Dropped: Genius

Like the typewriter, the magazine, and the live action game of solitaire, the word 'genius' has been run over by digital millennium and left for dead.

Once defined as "A person with transcendent mental superiority" (Merriam-Webster), the word has become overused to the point of meaningless. Here are few types of people who qualify under the current standards of genius:

- Two-bit computer hackers (e.g. your Nigerian princes)
- Unsuccessful singer-songwriters
- Anyone who gives a TED Talk, no matter how self-indulgent and inane
- Guys who make small-batch pickles
- Any Supreme Court nominee you happen to agree with on hot-button issues

I think it's time to acknowledge that the term is debased. There are still people of transcendent mental superiority, but their work mostly happens outside of public consciousness. How then are we to refer to those who solve the Hodge Conjecture, write the Great American Novel in 80,000 words or less, or fix Tim Tebow's throwing mechanics? The answer must wait for another Double Shot.

A Word to Be Added: Ridiculize

This one was invented by a French friend of mine. Unsatisfied with the current function and aesthetics of our vocabulary, she has set about introducing new words to bring it up to code. Not since William the Conqueror has a Gallic invader had such impact on the English language.

'Ridiculize' has been one of her most popular reforms. It's a transitive verb, often used reflexively and means, "to render absurd, irrelevant, or insignificant."

Here's a passage designed to give you all a feel for the word.

Even after new revelations of sexual misconduct have further ridiculized him, Anthony Weiner remains in the New York Mayoral Race. On first glance, his campaign seems little more than a ridiculized sideshow. However, even after this latest sexting scandal, he is still in fourth-place heading into the Democratic primary.

 The latest polls show him only 11% behind Christine Quinn, who commands about 1/4 of the party's support. Quinn's track record of empty histrionics and blatant pandering have ridiculized her such that the race is wide open. 

Since the time of Stuyvesant, New Yorkers have preferred blustering autocrats as their chief executive. Though his imperious personality and 80's movie villain looks may ridiculize him in other municipalities, New Yorkers still love the Big Weiner. 

Ah... le mot juste! 

A Six-Pack of Thoughts on Orange is the New Black

Apocalyptic Scenario: In the future, as traditional media apparati continue to be undermined by the abundance of free cat videos, amateur pornography, and crackpot social philosophy, professional writers, performers, and thinkers will be need a new way to be seen and heard. Like late-Romans fleeing to the protection of large landowners as a last resort against the violence and chaos of imperial decline, so will our great men and women of culture lean on the stability of beer sponsors to provide what production companies and publishers cannot.

In this new feudal context, the six-pack will become the base unit of intellectual life. At Psychoeuphorology Today, we're not waiting around. To kick things off, here is a six-pack of thoughts on another new media bellwether, Netflix's original series Oragne is the New Black.

1. This show is a nice bounce back from Jenji Kohan.

Weeds was a strong show in its first few seasons, but declined after the burning of Agrestic. The erratic and ridiculous plot lines had a lot to do with this, but the creative vision of Jenji Kohan played it's part. The characters she created were too static to transcend the show's initial premise. Though initially compelling, the lack of character development and formulaic plot arcs gave the show a Scooby Doo like feel, but without the jangle-pop chase songs.

Orange is the New Black avoids this problem, in that it is limited by our heroine's prison term. The plot arc is preset by the true story on which it's based. I expect this show to run for a tidy, well-received two seasons that will leave its audience satisfied, and not wanting more.

2. The Netflix production model really works

Given the size and scope of their operations, TV networks are forced to manage the risks of original progamming in the traditional ways, namely, overpaying stars, rehashing successful show formats, and casting a wide audience net. These production techniques make for an expensive and unreliable insurance policy, as shows meant to appeal to everyone often end up pleasing no one.

Netflix's is a subscription service which allows users to pick their content. Because of this, it can defer risk using the opposite approach of lowering costs and green-lighting projects with more defined appeal. The biggest stars in ONB are that chick from That 70's Show (not Mila Kunis, the other one), and Jason Biggs. Good writing is cheap, good acting is expensive. Netflix may have shelled out for Kevin Spacey in House of Cards, but expect them to make low-budget projects the backbone of their production efforts.

3. Speaking of J-Biggs...

Biggs bring his mastery of the mindset and mannerisms of the Upper-Middle class Jewish male to a dramatic context, as the protagonist's faithful but conflicted finacee.

Though leaning on his usual bag of character acting tricks, Biggs brings maturity and perspective to his role. Like a fine wine, the kid from American Pie becomes more nuanced with age, while retaining his basic nature. On the whole this is his best work since Saving Silverman.

4. For a Based-on-a-True-Story Prison Show, This One Was Kinda Fun

The most compelling aspect of the show is the mix of prison grit with lighthearted elements. The prison is based on the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, CT; which is the low-security Federal prison where the real Piper Kerman served her time.

The violence in ONB is a far cry from the naked brutality of a show like Oz. The diversity of the inmate population at times gives the show an odd-couple flavor as the hardcore lesbians, softer-core lesbians, Hispanic moms, kitchen workers, Christian fundamentalists, etc. work through there uneasy coexistence.

Though there is violence, there are also charming moments, such as when a guard attempts to portray our sweet-hearted, lotion-making heroine as a stone-cold rapist to a group of Scared Straight teens. Prison shows are typically grim. This one is more of a black-comedy.

5. You've Got Tiiiiiiiiimmmmeeeee!

Each episode is kicked off by, "You've Got Time," which was written and recorded by Regina Spektor to serve as the show's title theme. Title scenes are an under-appreciated part of TV Magic, but when done right, they add context and counterpoint to the show. The best recent example is the pulsing, animated devolution which opens up Mad Men.

"You've Got Time" emphasizes the primal frustration that underpins the monotony of minimum-security prison life. It takes on new meaning as each episode bleeds into the next over a marathon viewing.

Going back to point #2, I think we'll see more theme songs from high-profile musicians. Commissioning a few quality verses is cheap compared to hiring Charlie Sheen, and it improves the show's quality while bringing in that artist's fan base.

6. I Think It's Obvious What Comes Next...

You may remember that in the 1970's, it was common practice to produce one-off specials in which different shows (usually animated) 'meet' each other. The most famous was The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons.

In ONB, the kitchen is a center of inmate life. It performs a vital function as it's staff work with substandard tools and ingredients to feed a crowd. In the process, pride is wounded, power is brokered, and the peace hangs on a thread. In other words, it's perfect for...

Season 2 Episode 1: Orange is the New Black Meets Top Chef

The Top Chefs are faced with their toughest challenge yet, as they are taken to a real prison cafeteria where they must use the equipment and ingredients provided to create a gourmet meal for hundreds of inmates. Things get bloody when some of the mouthier contestants mix it up with some of the mouthier inmates. The episode takes a delicious turn when Padma and Piper are caught naked in the shower enjoying a whole different kind of lunch.

I'll pick up my Emmy whenever it's convenient.

From the Annals of Casual Stupidity: The Repossesor's 'Stang

No surprise that this anecdote comes for North Jersey, the Heartland of Casual Stupidity.

I was out to get groceries when I noticed a car parked in the Stop & Shop parking lot. It was a late model Ford Mustang convertible in candy apple red, with some weird black detailing.

What made it pop was the license plate: New Jersey, plate # REPOGUY.

I can only imagine the frustration a repossesee would feel seeing this car. Regardless of whether this was the man who took away their former stuff, their imagination would churn. What better way to lash out at a world so cruel than slash the tires of its swaggering ambassador? Perhaps it would do to key up that factory gloss?

It won't solve their problems, but for a broken down, hopeless individual looking for a last act of petty vengeance, the time would be right to smash the window of that glorified family sedan, hot wire that big V6, and drive it off a cliff.

That example may be extreme, but it's a real concern for a man who makes an extra trip to the DMV to get a license plate which flaunts his unpopular profession.

I guess that's why he was waiting in the driver's seat while his woman shopped.

Aaron Hernandez is on Trial for 1st Degree Murder: Resetting the Pantheon of Connecticut Sports

If you haven't heard by now, former New England Patriots tight end and Bristol, CT's own, Aaron Hernandez will face charges for the first degree murder of friend and semi-pro linebacker Odin Lloyd. As a resident of small and overlooked state, it means a lot when a fellow Nutmegger makes it in professional sports, let alone establishes himself as a top-tier player.

Aaron Hernandez did this, winning a BCS Championship at the University of Florida, before becoming a devastating wild-card in New England's offense. Then, in the opinion of the Bristol County, MA District Attorney, he shot a man to death and left him in an industrial park.

Hernandez' football career ends with many what-if's. Human tragedies aside, he had a real chance to take his place amongst the greats of Constitution State sports.

His odds of going down as Connecticut's greatest football player were slim. The incumbent is former Greenwich High School quarterback Steve Young.

However, playing for the hometown team would have given him a leg up in making a run at the number two spot. Regardless, here is how the Pantheon of Connecticut Sports stands now:

Greatest Connecticut Athletes

Football:

1. Steve Young, QB, Greenwich

Don't try to label him as a Utah guy because of his birth certificate. The man endorses a line of dress shirts. He wears black leather driving gloves when covering cold weather games. When the Jets lost to the Texans on Monday Night Football this year, he described it as, "a cute little effort."

No doubt where you prepped, old sport.

2. Dwight Freeney, DE, Hartford

For many years, he was the lynchpin of an otherwise bad defensive team in Indianapolis. Regardless of how well he plays for San Diego, Freeney will go down as a mold-breaking pass rusher whose speed, technique, and leverage turned his lack of size into an advantage. His spin move alone is worthy of Hall of Fame consideration.

3. Andy Robustelli, DE, Stamford

A Hall of Fame defensive end for the Los Angeles Rams and the New York Giants. Like many DE's who played before the sack became an official statistic, he is not as well remembered as he deserves. Nonetheless, he was a 7-time First Team All-Pro selection and 2-time NFL Champion, who like Freeney, played bigger than his size.

4. Floyd Little, RB, New Haven

Another Hall of Famer from early days of televised football. His number don't seem impressive today, but when he retired after the 1975 season he was the 7th leading rusher in league history. Denver fans have a special attachment to him, as he was the first great player in Broncos history.

5. Eugene Robinson, FS, Hartford

His 57 interceptions made him one of the top ball hawks of the 1990's, the decade in which he made three Pro-Bowl and two All-Pro teams. He was a strong playoff performer during Green Bay's back-to-back Super Bowl appearances in 1997 and 1998. However, his career was tarnished during Super Bowl weekend 1999 as an Atlanta Falcon. Just hours after receiving the Bart Starr Award for 'high moral character,' he was arrested for soliciting prostitution. Though released from jail, the lack of sleep led to a miserable performance, including getting burned for an 80-yard touchdown by Rod Smith.

Baseball:

1. 'Orator' Jim O'Rourke, LF, Bridgeport

One of the great players of the 19th Century. A Yale graduate who moonlighted as a lawyer early in his career, O'Rourke's eloquence and erudition brought mainstream credibility to a game then viewed as a pastime for rough immigrants and seedy gamblers. He was known as a superior outfielder, and had a lifetime batting average of .311 in an era when the spitball and monkey testosterone were still legal.

2. Jeff Bagwell, 1B, Killingworth

An excellent all-around player, who cut his teeth playing Double A ball in New Britain. As a member of the Houston Astros, he won the 1994 NL MVP, and Bill James rates him as one the top first basemen of all time. Unusual for a power hitter of his era, there is no tangible evidence, or even serious rumor, that he used performance-enhancing drugs. A probable Hall of Famer whose support has grown on the last two ballots.

3. Roger Connor, 1B, Waterbury

Another Hall of Famer from the pre-(Spanish-American) War period. A .317 hitter who played most of his career with the New York Giants. His real claim to fame is as one of baseball's first great power hitters. Despite playing most of his home games at the cavernous Polo Grounds, he finished his career in 1897 with 138 home runs, a total no one would come close to until Babe Ruth. He is also fifth all-time in triples with 233, remarkable for a 6'3'' 200 lb first baseman. The kid could rake.

4. Mo Vaughn, 1B, Norwalk

The 1995 AL MVP, best known for his decade-long tenure as the face of the Boston Red Sox. He was an excellent hitter and a fan favorite during his career. However, strong evidence of steriod use precludes him from going higher on the list.

5. Matt Harvey, SP, New London

The coming man of Connecticut baseball, and the best hope to fill the void left by Aaron Hernandez. He is a hard-throwing right-hander for the Mets who has come on in 2013 as one of the National League's best starters. At 24, he still has room to improve, especially with his off-speed pitches. If he stays healthy and doesn't kill anyone, expect him to climb the Pantheon over the next decade.

Basketball:

1. Calvin Murphy, PG, Norwalk

At 5'9'', he hold the distinction of being the shortest player in the Basketball Hall of Fame. He played for the San Diego/Houston Rockets in the 1970's, and prior to Hakeem Olajuwon, was that franchise's leading scorer. He remains one of the best free-throw shooters ever.

2. Marcus Camby, C, Hartford

A dominant college player with UMass, Camby was selected 2nd overall in 1996 NBA draft. He went on to become one of the best defensive players of the last 15 years, making 4 All-Defensive Teams, leading the league in shot blocks 4 times, and winning the 2007 Defensive Player of the Year Award.

3. Rick Mahorn, PF, Hartford

Considered the Baddest of the Bad Boy Pistons, Mahorn's impact went beyond his box score. If enforcers received Hall of Fame consideration, he would be first ballot. His 1989 championship ring is probably consolation enough.

4. Andre Drummond, C, Hartford

By the time his career is over, he may be Number 1 on this list. He's an extremely talented center whose underwhelming season at UConn caused him to slide to Detroit at the 9th overall pick of the 2012 draft. Coming off the bench as a rookie, averaged 7.9 points on 60% shooting while providing steady rebounding and strong rim protection. Despite a free throw percentage even Shaq would laugh at (37%), he is coming on as one of the league's best young centers.

5. Vin Baker, PF, Old Saybrook

The best non-UConn college player in the state's history. After a standout run with the University of Hartford, he was drafted 8th overall by Milwaukee in 1993. In his prime, he was a 20-and-10, All-Star player. Unfortunately, he's mostly remembered for his late career stint with the Celtics, when he came to be known as 'the guy who showed up fat and drunk.'

Hockey:

1. Brian Leetch, Defenseman, Chesire

He is a Hall of Famer, and one of the best defenseman ever. He is also counted among the greatest Americans in the history of professional hockey. He won the Conn Smythe Trophy while leading the New York Rangers to a Stanley Cup in 1994. Mark Messier called him, "the greatest Ranger of all-time."

2. Jonathan Quick, Goaltender, Milford

He is one of the league's top current goaltenders. He anchored the Los Angeles Kings to the Stanley Cup in 2012, winning the Conn Smythe in the process. At age 27, the legend is only building for the aptly named goaltender.

3. Chris Drury, Center, Trumbull

Though never an All-Star, Chris Drury's leadership and strong play in big games made him a fan favorite throughout his 12-year career. He was a key player in the Colorado Avalanche's 2001 run to the Stanley Cup, and played for the US Olympic Team in 2006 and 2010 before retiring as Captain of the New York Rangers in 2011.

4. Craig Janney, Center, Hartford

Janney played 12 seasons in the NHL, and was a member of the 1988 US Olympic Team. He was known as an excellent passing center, and finished his career nearly averaging a point per game. While playing for St. Louis in 1994, it was discovered that teammate Brendan Shanahan was sleeping with his wife. The fallout ruined locker room chemistry, leading to the highlight of Janney's career, when the team decided he was more valuable than a future Hall of Famer. St. Louis kept him and traded Shanahan to the Hartford Whalers.

5. Max Pacioretty, Left Wing, New Canaan

Pacioretty is the rising star of Connecticut hockey, and currently plays for Montreal. Thus far, his career has been defined by his Masterson Trophy-winning comeback from a vertebra-fracturing hit suffered in 2011. Time will tell whether he can climb the list.

Miscellaneous:

1. Gene Sarazen, Golf, Brookfield

Though born in Harrison, New York, the Squire moved to Bridgeport at age 15, and lived most of his life in Brookfield. From his blue-collar, high school dropout background, he rose to become the finest tournament player from America's golfingest state. His resume includes the first modern grand slam (the Masters, US Open, British Open, and PGA Championship), as well as a novel process whereby he added solder to the bottom of a high-lofted club to create the first sand wedge. After his playing career, he became American golf's first great broadcaster as the host of Shell's Wonderful World of Golf.

2. Dorothy Hamill, Figure Skating, Greenwhich

A gold-medal winning figure skater and stagflation-era pop icon, Hamill is arguably Connecticut's most beloved athlete. Her '76 Olympic gold medal win over East Germany's Christine Errath was a shot in the arm to American national morale and the beginning of the end for communism. She pioneered a move called Hamill's Camel. I don't what it is, but I assume it's similar to the Iron Lotus. Her bobbed hair-style was trend setting, though the young Liz Lemon's of the time thought they were copying Pete Rose.

3. Bruce Jenner, Track and Field, Newtown

It seems strange to say this now, but Bruce Jenner used to be known for winning the decathlon at the 1972 Olympics, ending a run of Soviet dominance in the event. He broke new ground by cashing in on his fame through acting and product endorsement at a time when the IOCC's stance on amateurism discouraged most athletes from doing so. Bruce Jenner was a success on the field and off, before -like Aaron Hernandez- he fell in with a bad crowd...

Phun in Philadelphia! A mini-travelouge

Philadelphia is strange city in several ways. First, if you're driving from New York, you can't enter the city using I-95, unless you insist on a complicated reroute. The best way is to exit the New Jersey Turnpike onto Route 30, which will take you through the Greater Camden Area before you get to the Ben Franklin Bridge. In this way, you have two sequential major cities on the Northeast Corridor with only a superficial interstate highway link.

Camden County's mix of tacky affluence and flamboyant poverty is guaranteed to set of all your knee-jerk Garden State prejudices. On Route 30 alone, one passes enormous shopping malls (technically it's a shopping campus), seedy motels districts, 'luxe loft waterfront rentals,' family-friendly pseudo-retro diners, and actual retro diners where people get whacked.

At night, it all carries a subtle, menacing aura; like the Jersey Devil lurks behind every sign-scarred storefront.

Route 30 is a trip unto itself, though I don't recommend you take it. The City of Camden is so broke it recently had to dissolve its police department, leaving County law enforcement overstretched.

Once you've crossed the Ben Franklin, there are few things to prioritize. First, get the touristy stuff out of the way. That means visiting Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, and running up the Rocky steps. As a lifelong New Englander, seeing a bunch of stuff from the 18th century wasn't that novel, but I now I've been there and done that.

The story of America's past can be fascinating, but the most interesting thing you will learn is that Philadelphia is our nation's only major city where downtown parking is easy. Again, it's a strange place.

On to the main event. Here is my guide to the best Philly Cheesesteaks:

Psychoeuphorology Today's CHEESESTEAK POWER RANKINGS!

6th Place: Geno's Steaks: This joint's founder, Joe Vento, died in 2011, and though I prefer not to speak ill of the dead, he leaves me no choice. The first thing visitors will notice is that Mr. Vento turned his shop into a billboard for xenophobia ('I'm Mad as Hell! I Want my Country Back!; This is America, When Ordering SPEAK ENGLISH!). I feel insulted when retailers try to force politics on me.

The next thing you will notice is that ol' Joey left behind a culture of disrespectful and inattentive service. I know there are people who think this is a charming local quirk, but it's just wrong. Thirdly, you'll find your cheesesteak is just a cold white hoagie roll with a paltry amount of flavorless fillings.

Seating is outdoors, and condiments are provided.

I'll bet when Joe Vento died, I'll bet his soul was deported to Mexico.

2nd Place: Pat's King of Steaks: Right across the intersection from Geno's. The the people are less obnoxious. A decent cheesesteak, but pretty much what you would expect. It's griddled beef on a white hoagie roll with grilled peppers and onions (optional). Pick from provolone, american, or Cheez Wiz. Like Geno's seating is outdoors, and condiments are provided. Pat's is the original steak, though not the King. That honor belongs to...

1st Place: Dalessandro's Steaks and Hoagies: Friendly service, and a generous helping of chopped beef, with the fat properly drained. You have your choice of banana peppers, hot peppers, or sweet green peppers. I went with the hot peppers, and it was a good call. They are your basic spicy, vinegar-cured red peppers, crushed, and deposited as a base layer on the roll. I picked American cheese, and it was nicely melted throughout the sandwich. There's nothing exotic or difficult about the Philly cheesesteak, but details matter, and Dalessandro's nails them.

They offer a nice selection of beer as well as indoor and outdoor seating. They are just down the block from a public golf course, which makes it a nice place for a post-round lunch.

The problem is that Dalessandro's is in the Northwestern corner of the city, far from downtown, and inconvenient by public transit. It takes a little effort to get there, but if you want the city's best cheesesteak, this is where it's at.

Other notes on Philadelphia

Having finished lunch at Dalessandro's, I chose to take the local roads back to City Center. There are a few observations worth sharing:

-During the 19th Century, many of the northern suburbs of the city were incorporated into Philadelphia proper. As a result, much of the city's land area is very low rise, which is helpful for navigating relative to the downtown skyline.

-The Philadelphia area is home to a large Vietnamese population.

-Philadelphia has many bad drivers. Unlike New York or Boston-syle overaggressive jackasses; Philly's bad drivers tend to be spaced out and drift inattentively.

-The neighborhood bar in the middle of the block is going strong in Philadelphia. In most cities, zoning and economics have forced them into retail districts, or at least busy street corners. In Philadelphia, an operating bar in the middle of a residential side street is a common and charming throwback to the days when beer was difficult to distribute.

-The University of Pennsylvania has one of the nicest urban campuses I've yet seen.

-It's not always sunny in Philadephia. This is just another ignorant rumor of the mainstream media.

Some Suggestions on Refining the Gourmet Chicken Wing Dinner

It recently came to my attention that Hooters still offers its 'Gourmet Chicken Wing Dinner,' which consists of 20 wings in your choice of sauce along with a bottle of Dom Perignon.

For sure, this meal is in line with the chain's semi-official slogan of 'delightfully tacky, yet unrefined,' but Hooters is the wrong place for this meal concept. Though they go for cheap laughs by pairing expensive champagne with greasy wings, they have stumbled upon a tremendous concept which needs to be taken to the next level.

The dish is clever because it juxtaposes something we regard as high-class with low-brow indulgences. The problem is that Hooters just isn't risque anymore. It might have been an edgy concept during the Reagan Administration, but at this point, it's a tame experience. A Vegas topless bar is the ideal setting.

Next, we need to fine tune the meal itself. Hooters wings are awful and must be replaced with a better recipe. Due to space, this recipe will have to wait for another post. However they are prepared, they should be served with fresh organic celery and carrots, along with a slice of bleu d'auvergnet.

The champagne pairs well with wings due to it's palate cleansing effects, so there's no need to make a change there. However, the menu should be more specific about the wine's vintage.

Here is how I would write the menu entry:

The Gourmet Chicken Wing Dinner: Twenty chicken wings, deep fried and served in a sauce of cayenne aged in vinegar and clarified butter, with organic celery, carrots, and 3 months aged bleu d'auvergne. Paired with Dom Perignon Oenotheque 1996.      MP

Now we know what we're getting. Better still, we've taken the concept to its logical end. Instead of serving bad wings in a gritty chain, we're serving great wings in a place where the women actually get naked. We've taken care to select the right wine, only so it can get boob sweat in it. Our dichotomy between crass and class is fully defined, and the Gourmet Chicken Wing Dinner can take it's place as an American classic.

Bon appetite, bro!

Cuba Si, Jeff Loria, No!... And Other Ideas to Improve Baseball

We're approaching the All-Star Break. The playoff races have yet to develop, and the glow of Opening Day has passed.

Why wait for the offseason? Now is the time to take stock of the Great American Pastime (circa 1953), and figure out what can be done to improve it. Here are some fun ideas:

1) The Designated Fielder Rule: The Designated Hitter has been an unequivocal success. Time to double down. To be applied in both leagues, the DFR will allow teams to keep one player in the batting order while replacing him in the field with a superior defender.

Finally, the charade of Derek Jeter as a Major League shortstop is over!

2) The Early Bird Specialist: Guys who are Major League players past the age of 40 have a special place in our hearts. The problem is that most are shells of their former selves.

How do we help these players hang on a little longer without resorting to HGH? Simple.

MLB and the Player's Union should draft an amendment to the current Collective Bargaining Agreement, in which Players Over-40 are designated Early Bird Specialists. As EBS, they are only eligible to play in games which begin before 4:30 PM, but don't count against the active roster. This gives teams a crucial layer of depth, while giving the old-timers a workload that gets them home before Matlock.

As fans, we would be treated to Jim Thome's now never-ending quest for Home Run Number 763, and Mariano Rivera's pursuit of his 1,000 save. Fun stuff!

3) A League Orchestrated Plot to Sell the Miami Marlins to the Cuban Government: You know, like the one that allowed Jeffery Loria to divest himself of the Montreal Expos and purchase the more glamorous and storied Flordia Marlins.

There's no need to harp on the ways Loria has abused the fans on and off the field. This is a space for solutions.

The Castro brothers only have so much longer to live. They have tremendous personal wealth, but this won't matter when their life's work becomes the first casualty of La Cuba Nueva. In particular, Fidel's retirement leaves him with a lot of time to pursue his life's other passion: Beisbol.

It's simple: The League buys the City of Miami out of its disastrous stake in Marlins Park, thus gaining leverage over Loria. Fidel produces $500 million in cash from The People's Secret Swiss Bank Account. Rather than deal with a hostile landlord, Loria sells the team to the Cuban Ministry of Baseball, which relocates the team to Havana. The Marlins will be renamed after the city's old professional team, the Sugar Kings (Los Reyes de Azucar).

Now the stage is set for relevance. Whatever crumbling dump of a stadium they play in will be sold out every game, as spectators will be conscripted from the countryside. The campesinos won't be overburdened though, as the Venezuelan government will pay for their tickets, as well as officially licensed hats, jerseys, and foam fingers. As Cuban-American rapprochement continues, the team will become a favorite of vacationing Gringos, who will flock to the only stadium in professional sports that allows smoking.

Furthermore, the Sugar Kings will be playing as Latin America's team, giving them an identity and purpose the Marlins lacked. Rather than allow stateside clubs to exploit their cheap talent, our South American frenemies will send their best prospects straight to Havana, giving Los Reyes right of first refusal on the best prospects from Venezuala, Columbia, Boliva, et al.

With this large, loyal fan base, and deep farm system, the Sugar Kings will be poised to weather whatever regime changes may come for the nation.

Become a Rock Star this Summer! No Experience Necessary!

Good day Psychoeuphorologists!

Graduation season, my birthday, and all sorts of petty obligations have taken me away from this forum for the past few weeks. Now, it's time to give back to my loyal readership.

This post will outline rock band concepts that you can implement this summer, even if you have no musical background. These ideas can be tailored for any amount of people or gear. I even hook you up with a name, song ideas, and rationalizations for why your band sucks.

Have fun and get started. The women and free booze won't wait!


Band I

Name: Dies Irae

Genre: Not Madrigal, Hard Madrigal.

Concept: Gather a few voices and get it on! Singing on pitch or in key is neither good nor desirable in the Hard Madrigal genre. You want that edgy, cacophonous sound that takes your audience to the Eighth Layer of Hell. The Gregorians can keep their toothpaste-jingle chants. You sing in the language of the Early-Modern Street.

EP Track List: 1) Non al Suo Amante (Petrarch/da Bologna) 2) The Lamentations of Jeremiah (T. Tallis) 3) Crucifixus (A. Lotti) 4) Mash-up: My Bonny Lass She Smileth/April is in my Mistress's Face (T. Morely)

Why your band never made it: Excommunicated from most venues for refusing to sing Scarborough Fair.


Band II

Name: Penis Envy

Genre: Protest rock, punk.

Concept: A Pussy Riot tribute band! In an interview, Yoko Ono was asked if she thought Pussy Riot had any musical merit beyond their politics. She dodged the question. If Yoko Ono thinks they suck, how good do you have to be to play their hits?

EP Track List: (All songs by Pussy Riot) 1) Putin Got Scared 2) Death to Prison, Freedom to Protest 3) Raze the Pavement 4) Kropotkin-Vodka 5) Punk Prayer (Virgin Mary Put Putin Away)

Why your band never made it: KGB plot.


Band III

Name: Feelings Have Feelings Too

Genre: Wuss rock

Concept: What do you call someone who plays the tambourine, the kazoo, and the bongos? If you said  'a first-grader,' you're an insensitive bastard! They prefer the term 'multi-instrumentalist.' You'll need some friends for this one. One person playing a novelty instrument badly is bad. If nine people do it together, it's complex, nuanced, and intellectual. You may want to consider stage personas as well. For example, if you're Bruce Hammersmith from Bakersfield, CA, you should probably perform as Eliot Liebenstien from San Francisco.

EP Track List: (All songs by E. Liebenstien) 1) Remember the Africa Babies 2) Love as Warm as Vinyl 3) Estrella Roja 4) Concerto for Vuvuzela and Ukelele 5) The Ballad of Margaret Sloan-Hunter

Why your band never made it: You were always bigger in Europe.


Band IV

Name: The Gathering

Genre: Unknown

Concept: The band never actually existed. For the purpose of impressing chicks, it was a group you had with a couple friends back when you lived in another country. You had a nice little run of club gigs, and even scored a record deal. You won't find the record on this side of the Atlantic, and the label went out of business before the age of digital distribution.

EP Track List: Does it matter?

Why your band never made it: Too critically acclaimed to succeed.

Spring is Here... It's time for Waffle S'mores!

That's right, spring has sprung. We've past the April showers, and now we have May flowers... and lawn mowing, house cleaning, basketball playoffs, cookouts, sun lazing, etc... 

And you need a dessert than can hold up to all of it. 

You may have seen some recipes out there for Waffle S'mores, but most miss some of the finer points:

Use Frozen Waffles 

Though seasonal, all-natural ingredients are in vogue, many of America's signature desserts are designed for an industrial food supply. The classic example is Key Lime Pie, which made use of the only dairy product available in 19th Century South Florida: Sweetened Condensed Milk. 

The perfect Waffle S'more takes advantage of the frozen waffle's low moisture saturation and fine waffling, which allow it to retain more syrup, chocolate, and marshmallow than a fresh one.

Surface Area Matters

One should use the smallest size of marshmallow available. The higher surface area better covers the waffle while ensuring a complete and even melt. Oversize marshmallows will be burnt on top and cool on the bottom. 

Any chocolate will work, however, a thin milk-chocolate bar works best. Even if you prefer dark chocolate, a bar with high milk-solid content will melt better, and complement the other flavors. My favorite is the Lindt Classic Recipe Milk Chocolate bar.  

Broiling is Best

1) To make a Waffle S'more, start by setting your toaster oven to broil, and place the rack at its highest setting. Toast two frozen waffles until the tops are golden brown. 

2) On the browned side of one waffle place an even layer of marshmallows over the entire surface. Repeat this on the other waffle with broken up chocolate bar. Return to the toaster oven, and broil until the chocolate and marshmallow are melted. 

3) Put the waffle with chocolate on a dessert plate, chocolate side up. Place the marshmallow waffle on top of it, then rotate the top waffle 360 degrees, so that the chocolate and marshmallow mix. 

4) Top with maple syrup, and serve. 

The 2013 Harry Potter/NFL Mock Draft!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my quest to create the perfect content, I've learned a little bit about what people really want from published material in the digital age. For this post, I've taken three things America loves (football, countdowns, and magic/fantasy literature that make for good movies), and turned them into Supercontent. 

The order of this mock draft is current through the Darrelle Revis trade. The order will probably shuffle on Thursday, but I can't hold off any longer. 

Many of you were excited to click on this. The rest of you need to start being honest with yourselves. 

Have fun arguing in the comments section!

The picks are in...

Kansas City Chiefs: Rubeus Hagrid, OT, Gryffindor

In a draft full of intriguing but unproven prospects, Hagrid is considered a ‘can’t miss’ player. His 8’ 6’’ frame gives him the length and foot base to keep top pass rushers at bay. In addition, his strength and fierce instincts make him a force in the run game. The murky circumstances surrounding his expulsion from Hogwarts, as well as allegations of dragon-smuggling have raised character issues. Given Coach Andy Reid’s past success with troubled stars, Kansas City should be a good fit. 

Jacksonville Jaguars: Harry Potter, CB, Gryffindor

Though he played Seeker in college, he projects as a cornerback in the pros. He isn’t physically imposing, but his Quidditch tape belies a superior reactive athlete with excellent ball skills, and a dualist's mentality in one-on-one battles. His talent, leadership, and competitive spirit could turn around an underwhelming defense. 

Oakland Raiders: Ronald Weasley, PK, Gryffindor

Al Davis may be dead but his brand of irrational roster managment lives on in Oakland. Sebastian Janikowski, the team’s former first-round kicker, is 35, and entering his twilight decade. Ron Weasley’s pliable temperament and lack of skills make him an ideal backup and towel-boy. 

Philadelphia Eagles: Viktor Krum, CB, Durmstrang

Though some view him as the ‘other’ Quidditch-turned-corner prospect, Krum brings the size and physicality to the position Philadelphia hoped for from Nnamdi Asomaugh. Initially viewed as a small-school project player, his performances at the Quidditch World Cup and the Triwizard Tournament give him an unmatched big-game resume.   

Detroit Lions: Kingsley Shacklebolt, ILB, Gryffindor

A confident communicator who can bring cohesion to an undisciplined defense. As a career auror, some wonder if the wear and tear may catch up to him too soon.  

Cleveland Browns: Dobby, KR, Malfoy Household

An elusive, dependable, team-first player, whose fatalistic, servile attitude is well suited to special-teams play. Though undersized, his fearlessness and ability to make bigger players look foolish has drawn comparisons to Josh Cribbs. 

Arizona Cardinals: Albus Dumbledore, QB, Gryffindor

A cerebral player known for his calming effect on teammates. As an accomplished leglimens, he gathers and analyzes pre-snap information as well as any prospect of recent memory. Though not a great scrambler, his ability to fly without a broomstick gives him sufficient mobility. Despite the positives, his advanced age has sparked unflattering comparisons to Brandon Weeden.  

Buffalo Bills: Voldemort, ILB, Slytherin

A violent, cunning player with a chip on his shoulder and a cult-like following. Delights and excels at exploiting an opponent’s weaknesses. The perfect fit for a defense lacking talent and leadership at the linebacker position. His health is a major issue, as he has trouble maintaining a stable corporeal form. Furthermore, the league has yet to rule on the legality of horcruxes under the Banned Substance Policy. 

New York Jets: Severus Snape, QB, Gryffindor

A leglimens passer similar to Dumbledore, though without the same level of all-around mastery. His skill in occlumency takes on special value to a team known for loose lips around the media. Critics point to his moody, introverted disposition and question his ability to lead an NFL huddle. 

Tennessee Titans: Oliver Wood, C, Gryffindor

Wood’s work ethic is every coach’s dream. His experience as a Keeper should serve him well in pass protection. The center position favors awareness and leadership over pure size, and he should fare well if he can bulk up. 

San Diego Chargers: Charlie Weasley, OLB, Gryffindor

He is the most physically talented Weasley, with a powerful upper body and an understanding of leverage borne from dragon-wrangling. His experience with Norwegian Ridgebacks gives him the strong, violent hands to take on NFL offensive tackles. 

Miami Dolphins: Fenrir Greyback, DE, Slytherin

At his best, he is an explosive, high-motor player of unhuman viciousness. However, as a werewolf, his level of play is dictated by the lunar calendar. Though he may not show up every week, a full moon against New England could change the balance of power in the AFC East. 

New York Jets (from Tampa Bay): George Weasley, SS, Gryffindor

His experience as a bludger makes him a rangy player with a zest for hitting. The Jets will miss LaRon Landry, but Weasley brings similar skills to New York's defensive backfield. 

Carolina Panthers: Fred Weasley, SS, Gryffindor

Identical scouting report to his brother. 

New Orleans Saints: Peter Pettigrew, WR, Gryffindor

A small, shifty player. His willingness to injure opponents simply to please an evil authority figure makes him a fit in the Big Easy. Some scouts believe he is only effective in rat form. 

St. Louis Rams: Tim Tebow, QB, University of Florida

St. Louis passed up on Robert Griffin III last year, but they do secure the most magical player in this draft. 

Pittsburg Steelers: Dudley Dursley, DT, Little Whinging

His wide-body and blue-collar physicality command a premium in a draft which is light on old-school nose guards. Criticisms include poor conditioning, weak football intelligence, and lack of magic powers. Nonetheless, Pittsburg needs to address life after Casey Hampton. 

Dallas Cowboys: Olympe Maxime, TE, Beauxbatons

Never afraid to shake things up, Jerry Jones makes history by drafting the NFL’s first female player. As a half-giantess, she presents a big target for Tony Romo. 

New York Giants: Vincent Crabbe, MLB, Slytherin

The Giants may have finally found a successor to Antonio Pierce in Crabbe. His proficiency with the Cruciatus Curse allows him to dish out serious punishment without incurring helmet-to-helmet penalties. 

Chicago Bears: Draco Malfoy, WR, Slytherin

A competent, but not exceptional talent; his near translucent skin, combined with Chicago’s home whites, will be hard for defenses to track in a Midwestern blizzard. Malfoy is a potential game changer in late season strategy.  

Cincinnati Bengals: Mundungus Fletcher, OG, Order of the Phoenix

A squat, scrappy player with experience in protecting more valuable wizards. His history of petty crime would keep him off most rosters, but Cincinnati has never been shy about taking on players with checkered pasts. 

St. Louis Rams (from Washington): Dementor, DE, Azkaban Prison

The Rams already have a pair of big, physical ends in Chris Long and Michael Brockers, but adding a Dementor gives them a more spectral option. Though sucking out an opposing lineman’s soul constitutes illegal contact,  the Dementor's mere presence can undermine an offense's morale. 

Minnesota Vikings: Neville Longbottom, FS, Gryffindor

As the product of a two-auror household, he has the pedigree to do great things. He has flashed talent at times, but his timid nature has led scouts to question his commitment to football. 

Indianapolis Colts: Gellert Grindewald, LB, Durmstrang

It’s uncertain what role he would play, but being considered ‘One of the Most Dangerous Dark Wizards of All Time’ brings edginess to Indianapolis’ defense which has been missing since Bob Sanders left. 

Seattle Seahawks: Remus Lupin, RB, Gryffindor,

By drafting a werewolf, Seattle adds another halfback capable of ‘Beast Mode.’ 

Green Bay Packers: Alastor Moody, SS, Gryffindor

With the departure of Charles Woodson, Green Bay needs a defensive leader who brings toughness and experience. Moody fits the bill on both these counts, and his ‘Mad Eye’ allows him to literally see the whole field. Another player who would have gone higher if not for health concerns, his number of missing body parts raises questions about his long term durability. 

Houston Texans: Aberforth Dumbledore, QB, Gryffindor

Less magically talented than his brother, but as a bartender he became known for gathering and analyzing information about the opposition. This will serve him well as a scout team quarterback while developing behind Matt Schaub. 

Denver Broncos: Kreacher, RB, Black Household

He has a similar running style to Dobby, which Denver lacks on its current roster. His proud, self-critical attitude is a perfect for a Peyton Manning offense, as is his reverence for pure-blood quarterbacking lineage. 

New England Patriots: Grawp, DT, Forbidden Forest

With the top outside-the-numbers talent off the board, Bill Belichick goes for the best available player. Grawp is a raw mauler with high upside if he can translate his strength into technique. At 16’, he tends to play high in his stance, and some question whether he can grasp NFL defensive concepts. If developed properly, he could be unblockable. 

Atlanta Falcons: Antonin Dolohov, SS, Azkaban Prison

He is old, but old-school when it comes to enforcing. His reliability as a Death Eater should carry over to Atlanta. 

San Francisco 49ers: Fleur Delacour, Cheerleader, Beauxbatons

Her magical powers of seduction are useful for distracting opponents. Always the gamesman, expect Jim Harbaugh to take full advantage as he tries to bring San Francisco back to Super Bowl glory. 

Baltimore Ravens: Gilderoy Lockhart, P, Gryffindor

He doesn’t have any football skills, but no tribute British letters would be complete without Kenneth Branaugh.