Douchebag Reggae: The Threat is Real

Summer is almost here and I've begun surveying the live music landscape.

I'm not focusing on major acts or big festivals. Rather, my attention is on the countless bars, patio spaces, and dumpy little joints where the majority of live music will happen. In particular, my attention is on the one genre which has come to define this time and these places: Douchebag Reggae.

It's difficult to define, so I've created a rubric to outline the intensity levels of the genre:

Level 1: Anyone who regards a Jack Johnson concert as a transformative experience in their life. Also, anyone who has ever said, 'Music is my religion.' This level is open to anyone, not just performers. It's about combining smugness with cheap spirituality.

Level 2: Bands whose only influence is Sublime. They may do a typical mix of covers and originals, but that's only because they can't do Santeria for 90 minutes.

Level 3: DJ's with hispanic last names, but otherwise, no connection to Latin America. They don't speak Spanish, or have any knowledge of Latin music. Nonetheless, they assume throwing some synth trumpets in the mix and referring to every woman in their life as 'mamacita' makes them the second coming of Tito Puente. Though not claiming any formal influence from Jamaica, they capture the spirit outlined in Level 1.

Level 4: Bands that perform the greatest hits of Dave Matthews set to the tune of 'Buffalo Soldier.'

Level 5: The Dave Matthews Band.

The genre blew up last summer when Magic! terrorized the airwaves with it's breakthrough (and probably final) hit 'Rude.' Though there have been other eruptions ('Who Let the Dogs Out?'), Douchebag Reggae typically lurks below the mainstream surface.

It is often experienced as a influence on other lame, Carribbean inspired works. I think of it as an attitude more than a rigid musical structure. Douchebag Reggae is the blood in Pitbull's veins though not the rhythm in his words. It's the voice in Katy Perry's head telling her she's 'street' if she references marijuana in her song.

This summer, do your part to stamp out Douchebag Reggae. Write and perform a 40-minute epic about the life of Freddie Green. Cross-dress and sing about Ridin' with Satan. Ignore music all together and hibernate until football season. But don't let Douchebag Reggae win. Otherwise it's a matter of time before we have another 'Rude' blight on our national conscience.

Bruce Jenner, Aaron Hernandez, and Resetting the Connecticut Sports Pantheon

It's been a busy few weeks in Connecticut sports. The important dates:

April 9: New London's own Matt Harvey made his first start after sitting out 2014 due to injury. He threw six scoreless innings to beat the Washington Nationals.

April 15: Bristol's own Aaron Hernandez was convicted of first degree murder in Massachusetts and received a mandatory life sentence.

April 24: Newtown's own Bruce Jenner formally comes out as transgendered in an interview with Diane Sawyer.

April 30: New Britain's own (and University of Connecticut alumnus) Byron Jones is drafted 27th overall by the Dallas Cowboys.

Let's assess:

The Aaron Hernandez conviction is embarrassing but long expected. From here on, he is the Commonwealth of Massachusetts' concern, not mine.

Of real interest is the burgeoning career of Byron Jones. At UConn, he was sold, not special, as both a safety and cornerback.

Then he put on a Barnum sideshow at the Combine, with highlights including a 4.36s 40-yard dash, and a World Record 12' 3'' broad jump. All things considered, it's easy to project him in light of track star busts like Darius Heyward-Bey.

I think he'll follow the example of Dontari Poe, who was just a guy at Memphis, before blowing up the 2012 Combine. He was drafted 11th overall by Kansas City where he has made two Pro Bowls in three seasons. It's unreasonable to think Jones will be that good off the bat, but freakish physical skills are prerequisite for a great corner. Add in his positional versatility and coachability and Dallas made a nice pick.

In other news, Matt Harvey is 5-0 with a 2.41 ERA, a 0.92 WHIP, and almost 7 strikeouts per start. Though it's tragic his talents are wasted on the New York Mets, his lost 2014 season brought him a year closer to free agency without putting innings on that golden arm.

Also, best of luck to Bruce Jenner as he pursues the life he wants to lead. He's on TV, so people think his gender identity is a big deal. It's not.

Let's wrap with a video of Middletown's own Andre Drummond dunking on things. He finished this season averaging 13.8 points and 13.5 rebounds; similar to his 2013-14 line. However, this was his first season playing center for Stan Van Gundy instead of his old position of 'clean up after Josh Smith.' That he maintained efficiency in a more sophisticated system speaks to his progress.

The 2015 Guide to Getting Overexcited About the NFL Draft

The 2015 NFL Draft is in the books!

There will be no real NFL news until training camps open. Now is the time for overblown predicions.

Any analysis of your team will end in one of two conclusions.

1) This is OUR FUCKING YEAR!

2) We're totally fucked.

How your team drafted is a big part of the assessment. Internet scouting reports provide a decent overview of a player's potential, but that's for managing the post-free agency hangover. Now is the time to get excited. For that, the best tool is a good old-fashioned YouTube highlight reel.

Let's break down some of my favorite reels and see what they say about the 2015 season.

 Brandon Scherff, OT, Iowa. Drafted by 5th overall by the Washington Redskins

This video is great because it answers all the FAQ's that come with highly touted lineman.

Q: Yeah he's a bear, but can he move his fat ass?

A: Yes! This video emphasizes Scherff's movement in space. At 2:01 he pulls from inside the hash to the numbers, turns upfield, and then blocks his man into the parking lot. Great quickness, great feet, and great power. Few lineman are that devastating outside the tackle box.

Q: Plenty of kids can run block, but I'm paying (Franchise Quarterback X) $20 million this year! Is this guy gonna keep him on the field?

A: Sure. Check out the play at :59. Rather than committing to the defensive end, Scherff anticipates a blitz and stays patient. When the extra defender comes, Scherff squares him up and puts him on the ground.

Q: Some guys love football. Some guys don't. Which kind am I getting?

A: Did you watch that video? This kid is nasty as Possum Fuck. He lives to wreck people.

In spite of all this, some can't see beyond Scherff's listed height of 6' 5''. As we all know, shortish guys without pornographic combine numbers (like Joe Thomas) can't play tackle in the NFL. For this reason the 2015 Washington Redskins are TOTALLY FUCKED!


Vic Beasley, OLB, Clemson. Drafted 8th overall by the Atlanta Falcons

This video doesn't excite me. Vic Beasley is super-twitchy, but this reel makes me question his pro potential. All we see him do is speed-rush from the outside. He blows away whatever fat kid Directional State X throws at him, but without an inside move, better hand technique, and a few counters, he will top out as a situational player.

He reminds me of Bruce Irvin, who Seattle picked 15th overall in 2012. Great first step, high-motor, and 16.5 sacks through three seasons. That's not bad, but it's not the transformative impact expected of a high first-rounder.

For this reason the 2015 Atlanta Falcons are TOTALLY FUCKED!


Randy Gregory, DE, Nebraska. Drafted 60th overall by the Dallas Cowboys

This is more like it.

Inside. Outside. Playside. Backside. Defense. Special Teams. Run. Pass. This is bad-ass film.

Never mind that there are beefier edge players at your local middle school. Never mind that he may be mentally unstable and shares a locker room with Greg Hardy.

Randy Gregory can ball. He may go down as the greatest two first-name athlete since Ricky Bobby.

In light of this, 2015 is the Dallas Cowboy's FUCKING YEAR!


Malcolm Brown, DT, Texas. Drafted 32nd overall by the New England Patriots

Forget what you just saw. Malcolm Brown is a fine young man and a talented athlete. It doesn't matter.

I'm a New Englander and I know my people. The Puritan legacy lives on through our sporting culture. In our thinking, God is always punishing us. Always. When things are going well, this is an unnatural interlude which only leads to a greater fall.

Other fan bases think God hates them. Not true. They just suck. We are wicked and must be cut down. We may profess otherwise when we see Malcolm Brown blowing up lineman, but in our hearts we know that every move Bill Belichick makes is the one that will finally lead us down the road to oblivion.

This is a fine synopsis of the 2015 New England Patriots.