No surprise that this anecdote comes for North Jersey, the Heartland of Casual Stupidity.
I was out to get groceries when I noticed a car parked in the Stop & Shop parking lot. It was a late model Ford Mustang convertible in candy apple red, with some weird black detailing.
What made it pop was the license plate: New Jersey, plate # REPOGUY.
I can only imagine the frustration a repossesee would feel seeing this car. Regardless of whether this was the man who took away their former stuff, their imagination would churn. What better way to lash out at a world so cruel than slash the tires of its swaggering ambassador? Perhaps it would do to key up that factory gloss?
It won't solve their problems, but for a broken down, hopeless individual looking for a last act of petty vengeance, the time would be right to smash the window of that glorified family sedan, hot wire that big V6, and drive it off a cliff.
That example may be extreme, but it's a real concern for a man who makes an extra trip to the DMV to get a license plate which flaunts his unpopular profession.
I guess that's why he was waiting in the driver's seat while his woman shopped.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Aaron Hernandez is on Trial for 1st Degree Murder: Resetting the Pantheon of Connecticut Sports
If you haven't heard by now, former New England Patriots tight end and Bristol, CT's own, Aaron Hernandez will face charges for the first degree murder of friend and semi-pro linebacker Odin Lloyd. As a resident of small and overlooked state, it means a lot when a fellow Nutmegger makes it in professional sports, let alone establishes himself as a top-tier player.
Aaron Hernandez did this, winning a BCS Championship at the University of Florida, before becoming a devastating wild-card in New England's offense. Then, in the opinion of the Bristol County, MA District Attorney, he shot a man to death and left him in an industrial park.
Hernandez' football career ends with many what-if's. Human tragedies aside, he had a real chance to take his place amongst the greats of Constitution State sports.
His odds of going down as Connecticut's greatest football player were slim. The incumbent is former Greenwich High School quarterback Steve Young.
However, playing for the hometown team would have given him a leg up in making a run at the number two spot. Regardless, here is how the Pantheon of Connecticut Sports stands now:
Greatest Connecticut Athletes
Football:
1. Steve Young, QB, Greenwich
Don't try to label him as a Utah guy because of his birth certificate. The man endorses a line of dress shirts. He wears black leather driving gloves when covering cold weather games. When the Jets lost to the Texans on Monday Night Football this year, he described it as, "a cute little effort."
No doubt where you prepped, old sport.
2. Dwight Freeney, DE, Hartford
For many years, he was the lynchpin of an otherwise bad defensive team in Indianapolis. Regardless of how well he plays for San Diego, Freeney will go down as a mold-breaking pass rusher whose speed, technique, and leverage turned his lack of size into an advantage. His spin move alone is worthy of Hall of Fame consideration.
3. Andy Robustelli, DE, Stamford
A Hall of Fame defensive end for the Los Angeles Rams and the New York Giants. Like many DE's who played before the sack became an official statistic, he is not as well remembered as he deserves. Nonetheless, he was a 7-time First Team All-Pro selection and 2-time NFL Champion, who like Freeney, played bigger than his size.
4. Floyd Little, RB, New Haven
Another Hall of Famer from early days of televised football. His number don't seem impressive today, but when he retired after the 1975 season he was the 7th leading rusher in league history. Denver fans have a special attachment to him, as he was the first great player in Broncos history.
5. Eugene Robinson, FS, Hartford
His 57 interceptions made him one of the top ball hawks of the 1990's, the decade in which he made three Pro-Bowl and two All-Pro teams. He was a strong playoff performer during Green Bay's back-to-back Super Bowl appearances in 1997 and 1998. However, his career was tarnished during Super Bowl weekend 1999 as an Atlanta Falcon. Just hours after receiving the Bart Starr Award for 'high moral character,' he was arrested for soliciting prostitution. Though released from jail, the lack of sleep led to a miserable performance, including getting burned for an 80-yard touchdown by Rod Smith.
Baseball:
1. 'Orator' Jim O'Rourke, LF, Bridgeport
One of the great players of the 19th Century. A Yale graduate who moonlighted as a lawyer early in his career, O'Rourke's eloquence and erudition brought mainstream credibility to a game then viewed as a pastime for rough immigrants and seedy gamblers. He was known as a superior outfielder, and had a lifetime batting average of .311 in an era when the spitball and monkey testosterone were still legal.
2. Jeff Bagwell, 1B, Killingworth
An excellent all-around player, who cut his teeth playing Double A ball in New Britain. As a member of the Houston Astros, he won the 1994 NL MVP, and Bill James rates him as one the top first basemen of all time. Unusual for a power hitter of his era, there is no tangible evidence, or even serious rumor, that he used performance-enhancing drugs. A probable Hall of Famer whose support has grown on the last two ballots.
3. Roger Connor, 1B, Waterbury
Another Hall of Famer from the pre-(Spanish-American) War period. A .317 hitter who played most of his career with the New York Giants. His real claim to fame is as one of baseball's first great power hitters. Despite playing most of his home games at the cavernous Polo Grounds, he finished his career in 1897 with 138 home runs, a total no one would come close to until Babe Ruth. He is also fifth all-time in triples with 233, remarkable for a 6'3'' 200 lb first baseman. The kid could rake.
4. Mo Vaughn, 1B, Norwalk
The 1995 AL MVP, best known for his decade-long tenure as the face of the Boston Red Sox. He was an excellent hitter and a fan favorite during his career. However, strong evidence of steriod use precludes him from going higher on the list.
5. Matt Harvey, SP, New London
The coming man of Connecticut baseball, and the best hope to fill the void left by Aaron Hernandez. He is a hard-throwing right-hander for the Mets who has come on in 2013 as one of the National League's best starters. At 24, he still has room to improve, especially with his off-speed pitches. If he stays healthy and doesn't kill anyone, expect him to climb the Pantheon over the next decade.
Basketball:
1. Calvin Murphy, PG, Norwalk
At 5'9'', he hold the distinction of being the shortest player in the Basketball Hall of Fame. He played for the San Diego/Houston Rockets in the 1970's, and prior to Hakeem Olajuwon, was that franchise's leading scorer. He remains one of the best free-throw shooters ever.
2. Marcus Camby, C, Hartford
A dominant college player with UMass, Camby was selected 2nd overall in 1996 NBA draft. He went on to become one of the best defensive players of the last 15 years, making 4 All-Defensive Teams, leading the league in shot blocks 4 times, and winning the 2007 Defensive Player of the Year Award.
3. Rick Mahorn, PF, Hartford
Considered the Baddest of the Bad Boy Pistons, Mahorn's impact went beyond his box score. If enforcers received Hall of Fame consideration, he would be first ballot. His 1989 championship ring is probably consolation enough.
4. Andre Drummond, C, Hartford
By the time his career is over, he may be Number 1 on this list. He's an extremely talented center whose underwhelming season at UConn caused him to slide to Detroit at the 9th overall pick of the 2012 draft. Coming off the bench as a rookie, averaged 7.9 points on 60% shooting while providing steady rebounding and strong rim protection. Despite a free throw percentage even Shaq would laugh at (37%), he is coming on as one of the league's best young centers.
5. Vin Baker, PF, Old Saybrook
The best non-UConn college player in the state's history. After a standout run with the University of Hartford, he was drafted 8th overall by Milwaukee in 1993. In his prime, he was a 20-and-10, All-Star player. Unfortunately, he's mostly remembered for his late career stint with the Celtics, when he came to be known as 'the guy who showed up fat and drunk.'
Hockey:
1. Brian Leetch, Defenseman, Chesire
He is a Hall of Famer, and one of the best defenseman ever. He is also counted among the greatest Americans in the history of professional hockey. He won the Conn Smythe Trophy while leading the New York Rangers to a Stanley Cup in 1994. Mark Messier called him, "the greatest Ranger of all-time."
2. Jonathan Quick, Goaltender, Milford
He is one of the league's top current goaltenders. He anchored the Los Angeles Kings to the Stanley Cup in 2012, winning the Conn Smythe in the process. At age 27, the legend is only building for the aptly named goaltender.
3. Chris Drury, Center, Trumbull
Though never an All-Star, Chris Drury's leadership and strong play in big games made him a fan favorite throughout his 12-year career. He was a key player in the Colorado Avalanche's 2001 run to the Stanley Cup, and played for the US Olympic Team in 2006 and 2010 before retiring as Captain of the New York Rangers in 2011.
4. Craig Janney, Center, Hartford
Janney played 12 seasons in the NHL, and was a member of the 1988 US Olympic Team. He was known as an excellent passing center, and finished his career nearly averaging a point per game. While playing for St. Louis in 1994, it was discovered that teammate Brendan Shanahan was sleeping with his wife. The fallout ruined locker room chemistry, leading to the highlight of Janney's career, when the team decided he was more valuable than a future Hall of Famer. St. Louis kept him and traded Shanahan to the Hartford Whalers.
5. Max Pacioretty, Left Wing, New Canaan
Pacioretty is the rising star of Connecticut hockey, and currently plays for Montreal. Thus far, his career has been defined by his Masterson Trophy-winning comeback from a vertebra-fracturing hit suffered in 2011. Time will tell whether he can climb the list.
Miscellaneous:
1. Gene Sarazen, Golf, Brookfield
Though born in Harrison, New York, the Squire moved to Bridgeport at age 15, and lived most of his life in Brookfield. From his blue-collar, high school dropout background, he rose to become the finest tournament player from America's golfingest state. His resume includes the first modern grand slam (the Masters, US Open, British Open, and PGA Championship), as well as a novel process whereby he added solder to the bottom of a high-lofted club to create the first sand wedge. After his playing career, he became American golf's first great broadcaster as the host of Shell's Wonderful World of Golf.
2. Dorothy Hamill, Figure Skating, Greenwhich
A gold-medal winning figure skater and stagflation-era pop icon, Hamill is arguably Connecticut's most beloved athlete. Her '76 Olympic gold medal win over East Germany's Christine Errath was a shot in the arm to American national morale and the beginning of the end for communism. She pioneered a move called Hamill's Camel. I don't what it is, but I assume it's similar to the Iron Lotus. Her bobbed hair-style was trend setting, though the young Liz Lemon's of the time thought they were copying Pete Rose.
3. Bruce Jenner, Track and Field, Newtown
It seems strange to say this now, but Bruce Jenner used to be known for winning the decathlon at the 1972 Olympics, ending a run of Soviet dominance in the event. He broke new ground by cashing in on his fame through acting and product endorsement at a time when the IOCC's stance on amateurism discouraged most athletes from doing so. Bruce Jenner was a success on the field and off, before -like Aaron Hernandez- he fell in with a bad crowd...
Aaron Hernandez did this, winning a BCS Championship at the University of Florida, before becoming a devastating wild-card in New England's offense. Then, in the opinion of the Bristol County, MA District Attorney, he shot a man to death and left him in an industrial park.
Hernandez' football career ends with many what-if's. Human tragedies aside, he had a real chance to take his place amongst the greats of Constitution State sports.
His odds of going down as Connecticut's greatest football player were slim. The incumbent is former Greenwich High School quarterback Steve Young.
However, playing for the hometown team would have given him a leg up in making a run at the number two spot. Regardless, here is how the Pantheon of Connecticut Sports stands now:
Greatest Connecticut Athletes
Football:
1. Steve Young, QB, Greenwich
Don't try to label him as a Utah guy because of his birth certificate. The man endorses a line of dress shirts. He wears black leather driving gloves when covering cold weather games. When the Jets lost to the Texans on Monday Night Football this year, he described it as, "a cute little effort."
No doubt where you prepped, old sport.
2. Dwight Freeney, DE, Hartford
For many years, he was the lynchpin of an otherwise bad defensive team in Indianapolis. Regardless of how well he plays for San Diego, Freeney will go down as a mold-breaking pass rusher whose speed, technique, and leverage turned his lack of size into an advantage. His spin move alone is worthy of Hall of Fame consideration.
3. Andy Robustelli, DE, Stamford
A Hall of Fame defensive end for the Los Angeles Rams and the New York Giants. Like many DE's who played before the sack became an official statistic, he is not as well remembered as he deserves. Nonetheless, he was a 7-time First Team All-Pro selection and 2-time NFL Champion, who like Freeney, played bigger than his size.
4. Floyd Little, RB, New Haven
Another Hall of Famer from early days of televised football. His number don't seem impressive today, but when he retired after the 1975 season he was the 7th leading rusher in league history. Denver fans have a special attachment to him, as he was the first great player in Broncos history.
5. Eugene Robinson, FS, Hartford
His 57 interceptions made him one of the top ball hawks of the 1990's, the decade in which he made three Pro-Bowl and two All-Pro teams. He was a strong playoff performer during Green Bay's back-to-back Super Bowl appearances in 1997 and 1998. However, his career was tarnished during Super Bowl weekend 1999 as an Atlanta Falcon. Just hours after receiving the Bart Starr Award for 'high moral character,' he was arrested for soliciting prostitution. Though released from jail, the lack of sleep led to a miserable performance, including getting burned for an 80-yard touchdown by Rod Smith.
Baseball:
1. 'Orator' Jim O'Rourke, LF, Bridgeport
One of the great players of the 19th Century. A Yale graduate who moonlighted as a lawyer early in his career, O'Rourke's eloquence and erudition brought mainstream credibility to a game then viewed as a pastime for rough immigrants and seedy gamblers. He was known as a superior outfielder, and had a lifetime batting average of .311 in an era when the spitball and monkey testosterone were still legal.
2. Jeff Bagwell, 1B, Killingworth
An excellent all-around player, who cut his teeth playing Double A ball in New Britain. As a member of the Houston Astros, he won the 1994 NL MVP, and Bill James rates him as one the top first basemen of all time. Unusual for a power hitter of his era, there is no tangible evidence, or even serious rumor, that he used performance-enhancing drugs. A probable Hall of Famer whose support has grown on the last two ballots.
3. Roger Connor, 1B, Waterbury
Another Hall of Famer from the pre-(Spanish-American) War period. A .317 hitter who played most of his career with the New York Giants. His real claim to fame is as one of baseball's first great power hitters. Despite playing most of his home games at the cavernous Polo Grounds, he finished his career in 1897 with 138 home runs, a total no one would come close to until Babe Ruth. He is also fifth all-time in triples with 233, remarkable for a 6'3'' 200 lb first baseman. The kid could rake.
4. Mo Vaughn, 1B, Norwalk
The 1995 AL MVP, best known for his decade-long tenure as the face of the Boston Red Sox. He was an excellent hitter and a fan favorite during his career. However, strong evidence of steriod use precludes him from going higher on the list.
5. Matt Harvey, SP, New London
The coming man of Connecticut baseball, and the best hope to fill the void left by Aaron Hernandez. He is a hard-throwing right-hander for the Mets who has come on in 2013 as one of the National League's best starters. At 24, he still has room to improve, especially with his off-speed pitches. If he stays healthy and doesn't kill anyone, expect him to climb the Pantheon over the next decade.
Basketball:
1. Calvin Murphy, PG, Norwalk
At 5'9'', he hold the distinction of being the shortest player in the Basketball Hall of Fame. He played for the San Diego/Houston Rockets in the 1970's, and prior to Hakeem Olajuwon, was that franchise's leading scorer. He remains one of the best free-throw shooters ever.
2. Marcus Camby, C, Hartford
A dominant college player with UMass, Camby was selected 2nd overall in 1996 NBA draft. He went on to become one of the best defensive players of the last 15 years, making 4 All-Defensive Teams, leading the league in shot blocks 4 times, and winning the 2007 Defensive Player of the Year Award.
3. Rick Mahorn, PF, Hartford
Considered the Baddest of the Bad Boy Pistons, Mahorn's impact went beyond his box score. If enforcers received Hall of Fame consideration, he would be first ballot. His 1989 championship ring is probably consolation enough.
4. Andre Drummond, C, Hartford
By the time his career is over, he may be Number 1 on this list. He's an extremely talented center whose underwhelming season at UConn caused him to slide to Detroit at the 9th overall pick of the 2012 draft. Coming off the bench as a rookie, averaged 7.9 points on 60% shooting while providing steady rebounding and strong rim protection. Despite a free throw percentage even Shaq would laugh at (37%), he is coming on as one of the league's best young centers.
5. Vin Baker, PF, Old Saybrook
The best non-UConn college player in the state's history. After a standout run with the University of Hartford, he was drafted 8th overall by Milwaukee in 1993. In his prime, he was a 20-and-10, All-Star player. Unfortunately, he's mostly remembered for his late career stint with the Celtics, when he came to be known as 'the guy who showed up fat and drunk.'
Hockey:
1. Brian Leetch, Defenseman, Chesire
He is a Hall of Famer, and one of the best defenseman ever. He is also counted among the greatest Americans in the history of professional hockey. He won the Conn Smythe Trophy while leading the New York Rangers to a Stanley Cup in 1994. Mark Messier called him, "the greatest Ranger of all-time."
2. Jonathan Quick, Goaltender, Milford
He is one of the league's top current goaltenders. He anchored the Los Angeles Kings to the Stanley Cup in 2012, winning the Conn Smythe in the process. At age 27, the legend is only building for the aptly named goaltender.
3. Chris Drury, Center, Trumbull
Though never an All-Star, Chris Drury's leadership and strong play in big games made him a fan favorite throughout his 12-year career. He was a key player in the Colorado Avalanche's 2001 run to the Stanley Cup, and played for the US Olympic Team in 2006 and 2010 before retiring as Captain of the New York Rangers in 2011.
4. Craig Janney, Center, Hartford
Janney played 12 seasons in the NHL, and was a member of the 1988 US Olympic Team. He was known as an excellent passing center, and finished his career nearly averaging a point per game. While playing for St. Louis in 1994, it was discovered that teammate Brendan Shanahan was sleeping with his wife. The fallout ruined locker room chemistry, leading to the highlight of Janney's career, when the team decided he was more valuable than a future Hall of Famer. St. Louis kept him and traded Shanahan to the Hartford Whalers.
5. Max Pacioretty, Left Wing, New Canaan
Pacioretty is the rising star of Connecticut hockey, and currently plays for Montreal. Thus far, his career has been defined by his Masterson Trophy-winning comeback from a vertebra-fracturing hit suffered in 2011. Time will tell whether he can climb the list.
Miscellaneous:
1. Gene Sarazen, Golf, Brookfield
Though born in Harrison, New York, the Squire moved to Bridgeport at age 15, and lived most of his life in Brookfield. From his blue-collar, high school dropout background, he rose to become the finest tournament player from America's golfingest state. His resume includes the first modern grand slam (the Masters, US Open, British Open, and PGA Championship), as well as a novel process whereby he added solder to the bottom of a high-lofted club to create the first sand wedge. After his playing career, he became American golf's first great broadcaster as the host of Shell's Wonderful World of Golf.
2. Dorothy Hamill, Figure Skating, Greenwhich
A gold-medal winning figure skater and stagflation-era pop icon, Hamill is arguably Connecticut's most beloved athlete. Her '76 Olympic gold medal win over East Germany's Christine Errath was a shot in the arm to American national morale and the beginning of the end for communism. She pioneered a move called Hamill's Camel. I don't what it is, but I assume it's similar to the Iron Lotus. Her bobbed hair-style was trend setting, though the young Liz Lemon's of the time thought they were copying Pete Rose.
3. Bruce Jenner, Track and Field, Newtown
It seems strange to say this now, but Bruce Jenner used to be known for winning the decathlon at the 1972 Olympics, ending a run of Soviet dominance in the event. He broke new ground by cashing in on his fame through acting and product endorsement at a time when the IOCC's stance on amateurism discouraged most athletes from doing so. Bruce Jenner was a success on the field and off, before -like Aaron Hernandez- he fell in with a bad crowd...
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Phun in Philadelphia! A mini-travelouge
Philadelphia is strange city in several ways. First, if you're driving from New York, you can't enter the city using I-95, unless you insist on a complicated reroute. The best way is to exit the New Jersey Turnpike onto Route 30, which will take you through the Greater Camden Area before you get to the Ben Franklin Bridge. In this way, you have two sequential major cities on the Northeast Corridor with only a superficial interstate highway link.
Camden County's mix of tacky affluence and flamboyant poverty is guaranteed to set of all your knee-jerk Garden State prejudices. On Route 30 alone, one passes enormous shopping malls (technically it's a shopping campus), seedy motels districts, 'luxe loft waterfront rentals,' family-friendly pseudo-retro diners, and actual retro diners where people get whacked.
At night, it all carries a subtle, menacing aura; like the Jersey Devil lurks behind every sign-scarred storefront.
Route 30 is a trip unto itself, though I don't recommend you take it. The City of Camden is so broke it recently had to dissolve its police department, leaving County law enforcement overstretched.
Once you've crossed the Ben Franklin, there are few things to prioritize. First, get the touristy stuff out of the way. That means visiting Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, and running up the Rocky steps. As a lifelong New Englander, seeing a bunch of stuff from the 18th century wasn't that novel, but I now I've been there and done that.
The story of America's past can be fascinating, but the most interesting thing you will learn is that Philadelphia is our nation's only major city where downtown parking is easy. Again, it's a strange place.
On to the main event. Here is my guide to the best Philly Cheesesteaks:
Psychoeuphorology Today's CHEESESTEAK POWER RANKINGS!
6th Place: Geno's Steaks: This joint's founder, Joe Vento, died in 2011, and though I prefer not to speak ill of the dead, he leaves me no choice. The first thing visitors will notice is that Mr. Vento turned his shop into a billboard for xenophobia ('I'm Mad as Hell! I Want my Country Back!; This is America, When Ordering SPEAK ENGLISH!). I feel insulted when retailers try to force politics on me.
The next thing you will notice is that ol' Joey left behind a culture of disrespectful and inattentive service. I know there are people who think this is a charming local quirk, but it's just wrong. Thirdly, you'll find your cheesesteak is just a cold white hoagie roll with a paltry amount of flavorless fillings.
Seating is outdoors, and condiments are provided.
I'll bet when Joe Vento died, I'll bet his soul was deported to Mexico.
2nd Place: Pat's King of Steaks: Right across the intersection from Geno's. The the people are less obnoxious. A decent cheesesteak, but pretty much what you would expect. It's griddled beef on a white hoagie roll with grilled peppers and onions (optional). Pick from provolone, american, or Cheez Wiz. Like Geno's seating is outdoors, and condiments are provided. Pat's is the original steak, though not the King. That honor belongs to...
1st Place: Dalessandro's Steaks and Hoagies: Friendly service, and a generous helping of chopped beef, with the fat properly drained. You have your choice of banana peppers, hot peppers, or sweet green peppers. I went with the hot peppers, and it was a good call. They are your basic spicy, vinegar-cured red peppers, crushed, and deposited as a base layer on the roll. I picked American cheese, and it was nicely melted throughout the sandwich. There's nothing exotic or difficult about the Philly cheesesteak, but details matter, and Dalessandro's nails them.
They offer a nice selection of beer as well as indoor and outdoor seating. They are just down the block from a public golf course, which makes it a nice place for a post-round lunch.
The problem is that Dalessandro's is in the Northwestern corner of the city, far from downtown, and inconvenient by public transit. It takes a little effort to get there, but if you want the city's best cheesesteak, this is where it's at.
Other notes on Philadelphia
Having finished lunch at Dalessandro's, I chose to take the local roads back to City Center. There are a few observations worth sharing:
-During the 19th Century, many of the northern suburbs of the city were incorporated into Philadelphia proper. As a result, much of the city's land area is very low rise, which is helpful for navigating relative to the downtown skyline.
-The Philadelphia area is home to a large Vietnamese population.
-Philadelphia has many bad drivers. Unlike New York or Boston-syle overaggressive jackasses; Philly's bad drivers tend to be spaced out and drift inattentively.
-The neighborhood bar in the middle of the block is going strong in Philadelphia. In most cities, zoning and economics have forced them into retail districts, or at least busy street corners. In Philadelphia, an operating bar in the middle of a residential side street is a common and charming throwback to the days when beer was difficult to distribute.
-The University of Pennsylvania has one of the nicest urban campuses I've yet seen.
-It's not always sunny in Philadephia. This is just another ignorant rumor of the mainstream media.
Camden County's mix of tacky affluence and flamboyant poverty is guaranteed to set of all your knee-jerk Garden State prejudices. On Route 30 alone, one passes enormous shopping malls (technically it's a shopping campus), seedy motels districts, 'luxe loft waterfront rentals,' family-friendly pseudo-retro diners, and actual retro diners where people get whacked.
At night, it all carries a subtle, menacing aura; like the Jersey Devil lurks behind every sign-scarred storefront.
Route 30 is a trip unto itself, though I don't recommend you take it. The City of Camden is so broke it recently had to dissolve its police department, leaving County law enforcement overstretched.
Once you've crossed the Ben Franklin, there are few things to prioritize. First, get the touristy stuff out of the way. That means visiting Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell, and running up the Rocky steps. As a lifelong New Englander, seeing a bunch of stuff from the 18th century wasn't that novel, but I now I've been there and done that.
The story of America's past can be fascinating, but the most interesting thing you will learn is that Philadelphia is our nation's only major city where downtown parking is easy. Again, it's a strange place.
On to the main event. Here is my guide to the best Philly Cheesesteaks:
Psychoeuphorology Today's CHEESESTEAK POWER RANKINGS!
6th Place: Geno's Steaks: This joint's founder, Joe Vento, died in 2011, and though I prefer not to speak ill of the dead, he leaves me no choice. The first thing visitors will notice is that Mr. Vento turned his shop into a billboard for xenophobia ('I'm Mad as Hell! I Want my Country Back!; This is America, When Ordering SPEAK ENGLISH!). I feel insulted when retailers try to force politics on me.
The next thing you will notice is that ol' Joey left behind a culture of disrespectful and inattentive service. I know there are people who think this is a charming local quirk, but it's just wrong. Thirdly, you'll find your cheesesteak is just a cold white hoagie roll with a paltry amount of flavorless fillings.
Seating is outdoors, and condiments are provided.
I'll bet when Joe Vento died, I'll bet his soul was deported to Mexico.
2nd Place: Pat's King of Steaks: Right across the intersection from Geno's. The the people are less obnoxious. A decent cheesesteak, but pretty much what you would expect. It's griddled beef on a white hoagie roll with grilled peppers and onions (optional). Pick from provolone, american, or Cheez Wiz. Like Geno's seating is outdoors, and condiments are provided. Pat's is the original steak, though not the King. That honor belongs to...
1st Place: Dalessandro's Steaks and Hoagies: Friendly service, and a generous helping of chopped beef, with the fat properly drained. You have your choice of banana peppers, hot peppers, or sweet green peppers. I went with the hot peppers, and it was a good call. They are your basic spicy, vinegar-cured red peppers, crushed, and deposited as a base layer on the roll. I picked American cheese, and it was nicely melted throughout the sandwich. There's nothing exotic or difficult about the Philly cheesesteak, but details matter, and Dalessandro's nails them.
They offer a nice selection of beer as well as indoor and outdoor seating. They are just down the block from a public golf course, which makes it a nice place for a post-round lunch.
The problem is that Dalessandro's is in the Northwestern corner of the city, far from downtown, and inconvenient by public transit. It takes a little effort to get there, but if you want the city's best cheesesteak, this is where it's at.
Other notes on Philadelphia
Having finished lunch at Dalessandro's, I chose to take the local roads back to City Center. There are a few observations worth sharing:
-During the 19th Century, many of the northern suburbs of the city were incorporated into Philadelphia proper. As a result, much of the city's land area is very low rise, which is helpful for navigating relative to the downtown skyline.
-The Philadelphia area is home to a large Vietnamese population.
-Philadelphia has many bad drivers. Unlike New York or Boston-syle overaggressive jackasses; Philly's bad drivers tend to be spaced out and drift inattentively.
-The neighborhood bar in the middle of the block is going strong in Philadelphia. In most cities, zoning and economics have forced them into retail districts, or at least busy street corners. In Philadelphia, an operating bar in the middle of a residential side street is a common and charming throwback to the days when beer was difficult to distribute.
-The University of Pennsylvania has one of the nicest urban campuses I've yet seen.
-It's not always sunny in Philadephia. This is just another ignorant rumor of the mainstream media.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Some Suggestions on Refining the Gourmet Chicken Wing Dinner
It recently came to my attention that Hooters still offers its 'Gourmet Chicken Wing Dinner,' which consists of 20 wings in your choice of sauce along with a bottle of Dom Perignon.
For sure, this meal is in line with the chain's semi-official slogan of 'delightfully tacky, yet unrefined,' but Hooters is the wrong place for this meal concept. Though they go for cheap laughs by pairing expensive champagne with greasy wings, they have stumbled upon a tremendous concept which needs to be taken to the next level.
The dish is clever because it juxtaposes something we regard as high-class with low-brow indulgences. The problem is that Hooters just isn't risque anymore. It might have been an edgy concept during the Reagan Administration, but at this point, it's a tame experience. A Vegas topless bar is the ideal setting.
Next, we need to fine tune the meal itself. Hooters wings are awful and must be replaced with a better recipe. Due to space, this recipe will have to wait for another post. However they are prepared, they should be served with fresh organic celery and carrots, along with a slice of bleu d'auvergnet.
The champagne pairs well with wings due to it's palate cleansing effects, so there's no need to make a change there. However, the menu should be more specific about the wine's vintage.
Here is how I would write the menu entry:
The Gourmet Chicken Wing Dinner: Twenty chicken wings, deep fried and served in a sauce of cayenne aged in vinegar and clarified butter, with organic celery, carrots, and 3 months aged bleu d'auvergne. Paired with Dom Perignon Oenotheque 1996. MP
Now we know what we're getting. Better still, we've taken the concept to its logical end. Instead of serving bad wings in a gritty chain, we're serving great wings in a place where the women actually get naked. We've taken care to select the right wine, only so it can get boob sweat in it. Our dichotomy between crass and class is fully defined, and the Gourmet Chicken Wing Dinner can take it's place as an American classic.
Bon appetite, bro!
For sure, this meal is in line with the chain's semi-official slogan of 'delightfully tacky, yet unrefined,' but Hooters is the wrong place for this meal concept. Though they go for cheap laughs by pairing expensive champagne with greasy wings, they have stumbled upon a tremendous concept which needs to be taken to the next level.
The dish is clever because it juxtaposes something we regard as high-class with low-brow indulgences. The problem is that Hooters just isn't risque anymore. It might have been an edgy concept during the Reagan Administration, but at this point, it's a tame experience. A Vegas topless bar is the ideal setting.
Next, we need to fine tune the meal itself. Hooters wings are awful and must be replaced with a better recipe. Due to space, this recipe will have to wait for another post. However they are prepared, they should be served with fresh organic celery and carrots, along with a slice of bleu d'auvergnet.
The champagne pairs well with wings due to it's palate cleansing effects, so there's no need to make a change there. However, the menu should be more specific about the wine's vintage.
Here is how I would write the menu entry:
The Gourmet Chicken Wing Dinner: Twenty chicken wings, deep fried and served in a sauce of cayenne aged in vinegar and clarified butter, with organic celery, carrots, and 3 months aged bleu d'auvergne. Paired with Dom Perignon Oenotheque 1996. MP
Now we know what we're getting. Better still, we've taken the concept to its logical end. Instead of serving bad wings in a gritty chain, we're serving great wings in a place where the women actually get naked. We've taken care to select the right wine, only so it can get boob sweat in it. Our dichotomy between crass and class is fully defined, and the Gourmet Chicken Wing Dinner can take it's place as an American classic.
Bon appetite, bro!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Cuba Si, Jeff Loria, No!... And Other Ideas to Improve Baseball
We're approaching the All-Star Break. The playoff races have yet to develop, and the glow of Opening Day has passed.
Why wait for the offseason? Now is the time to take stock of the Great American Pastime (circa 1953), and figure out what can be done to improve it. Here are some fun ideas:
1) The Designated Fielder Rule: The Designated Hitter has been an unequivocal success. Time to double down. To be applied in both leagues, the DFR will allow teams to keep one player in the batting order while replacing him in the field with a superior defender.
Finally, the charade of Derek Jeter as a Major League shortstop is over!
2) The Early Bird Specialist: Guys who are Major League players past the age of 40 have a special place in our hearts. The problem is that most are shells of their former selves.
How do we help these players hang on a little longer without resorting to HGH? Simple.
MLB and the Player's Union should draft an amendment to the current Collective Bargaining Agreement, in which Players Over-40 are designated Early Bird Specialists. As EBS, they are only eligible to play in games which begin before 4:30 PM, but don't count against the active roster. This gives teams a crucial layer of depth, while giving the old-timers a workload that gets them home before Matlock.
As fans, we would be treated to Jim Thome's now never-ending quest for Home Run Number 763, and Mariano Rivera's pursuit of his 1,000 save. Fun stuff!
3) A League Orchestrated Plot to Sell the Miami Marlins to the Cuban Government: You know, like the one that allowed Jeffery Loria to divest himself of the Montreal Expos and purchase the more glamorous and storied Flordia Marlins.
There's no need to harp on the ways Loria has abused the fans on and off the field. This is a space for solutions.
The Castro brothers only have so much longer to live. They have tremendous personal wealth, but this won't matter when their life's work becomes the first casualty of La Cuba Nueva. In particular, Fidel's retirement leaves him with a lot of time to pursue his life's other passion: Beisbol.
It's simple: The League buys the City of Miami out of its disastrous stake in Marlins Park, thus gaining leverage over Loria. Fidel produces $500 million in cash from The People's Secret Swiss Bank Account. Rather than deal with a hostile landlord, Loria sells the team to the Cuban Ministry of Baseball, which relocates the team to Havana. The Marlins will be renamed after the city's old professional team, the Sugar Kings (Los Reyes de Azucar).
Now the stage is set for relevance. Whatever crumbling dump of a stadium they play in will be sold out every game, as spectators will be conscripted from the countryside. The campesinos won't be overburdened though, as the Venezuelan government will pay for their tickets, as well as officially licensed hats, jerseys, and foam fingers. As Cuban-American rapprochement continues, the team will become a favorite of vacationing Gringos, who will flock to the only stadium in professional sports that allows smoking.
Furthermore, the Sugar Kings will be playing as Latin America's team, giving them an identity and purpose the Marlins lacked. Rather than allow stateside clubs to exploit their cheap talent, our South American frenemies will send their best prospects straight to Havana, giving Los Reyes right of first refusal on the best prospects from Venezuala, Columbia, Boliva, et al.
With this large, loyal fan base, and deep farm system, the Sugar Kings will be poised to weather whatever regime changes may come for the nation.
Why wait for the offseason? Now is the time to take stock of the Great American Pastime (circa 1953), and figure out what can be done to improve it. Here are some fun ideas:
1) The Designated Fielder Rule: The Designated Hitter has been an unequivocal success. Time to double down. To be applied in both leagues, the DFR will allow teams to keep one player in the batting order while replacing him in the field with a superior defender.
Finally, the charade of Derek Jeter as a Major League shortstop is over!
2) The Early Bird Specialist: Guys who are Major League players past the age of 40 have a special place in our hearts. The problem is that most are shells of their former selves.
How do we help these players hang on a little longer without resorting to HGH? Simple.
MLB and the Player's Union should draft an amendment to the current Collective Bargaining Agreement, in which Players Over-40 are designated Early Bird Specialists. As EBS, they are only eligible to play in games which begin before 4:30 PM, but don't count against the active roster. This gives teams a crucial layer of depth, while giving the old-timers a workload that gets them home before Matlock.
As fans, we would be treated to Jim Thome's now never-ending quest for Home Run Number 763, and Mariano Rivera's pursuit of his 1,000 save. Fun stuff!
3) A League Orchestrated Plot to Sell the Miami Marlins to the Cuban Government: You know, like the one that allowed Jeffery Loria to divest himself of the Montreal Expos and purchase the more glamorous and storied Flordia Marlins.
There's no need to harp on the ways Loria has abused the fans on and off the field. This is a space for solutions.
The Castro brothers only have so much longer to live. They have tremendous personal wealth, but this won't matter when their life's work becomes the first casualty of La Cuba Nueva. In particular, Fidel's retirement leaves him with a lot of time to pursue his life's other passion: Beisbol.
It's simple: The League buys the City of Miami out of its disastrous stake in Marlins Park, thus gaining leverage over Loria. Fidel produces $500 million in cash from The People's Secret Swiss Bank Account. Rather than deal with a hostile landlord, Loria sells the team to the Cuban Ministry of Baseball, which relocates the team to Havana. The Marlins will be renamed after the city's old professional team, the Sugar Kings (Los Reyes de Azucar).
Now the stage is set for relevance. Whatever crumbling dump of a stadium they play in will be sold out every game, as spectators will be conscripted from the countryside. The campesinos won't be overburdened though, as the Venezuelan government will pay for their tickets, as well as officially licensed hats, jerseys, and foam fingers. As Cuban-American rapprochement continues, the team will become a favorite of vacationing Gringos, who will flock to the only stadium in professional sports that allows smoking.
Furthermore, the Sugar Kings will be playing as Latin America's team, giving them an identity and purpose the Marlins lacked. Rather than allow stateside clubs to exploit their cheap talent, our South American frenemies will send their best prospects straight to Havana, giving Los Reyes right of first refusal on the best prospects from Venezuala, Columbia, Boliva, et al.
With this large, loyal fan base, and deep farm system, the Sugar Kings will be poised to weather whatever regime changes may come for the nation.
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