Looking for Fun This Weekend? Celebrate Burn's Day!!

Also known as 'Burn's Supper,' it's a traditional Scottish holiday in honor of the poet Robert Burns. Generally held on January 25 (Today!), it involves a dinner of haggis, poetry, traditional toasts, and lots of scotch whiskey.

But this is America, so let's take this fun ethic holiday and pervert it into something that suits our tastes. After all, we don't spend St. Patrick's Day in solemn prayer; so let's ditch the haggis and olde tyme singing for what really matters.

In my Americanized version of Burn's Day, the celebrants begin with a midday screening of Braveheart to get everyone good and riled up. This is accompanied by a festive meal of pizza and scotch.

Then it's time to hit the town. Similar to St. Patrick's Day, vaguely Anglo-Celtic bars are favored, with publicans dying the beer blue to match Mel Gibson's war paint.

Honestly, I don't get why Big Scotch isn't already trying to incorporate Burn's Day into its marketing. Whiskey brands understand they need to appeal to 21-35 year old's who have come of age in a world where easy-mixing clear spirits are the preferred drink of rappers and reality-TV sluts.

Scotch brands have attempted to reach younger drinkers, like this schizophrenic effort from Dewars. However, their best bet at reaching an over-educated, under-employed generation is promoting a drinking holiday with literary pretensions.

Until next time... Alba gu brath!

That's Hipsterical! A Double Shot of Things You Need to Be Doing to Raise Your Pretentious Urban Game

It's a new year Psychoeuphorologists! Which means its time for new stupid trends. Reporting live from a coffee shop in North Brooklyn, here's a double shot of what's hot on the streets in 2014.

... And Nothing Else

AKA, your new sentence ender. Currently, this phrase is used by small Italian specialty purveyors to cap their ingredients lists. Here's an example:

Marinara Sauce: Tomatoes, Olive Oil, Onion, Garlic, Basil, Sea Salt... AND NOTHING ELSE!

Doesn't it just sound so all-natural that way?

Try this one out:

PRODUCT X: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Hydrogenated Palm Oil, Kernel Oil; Less than 2% of: Citric Acid, Tapioca Dextrin, Modified Corn Starch, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Colors (Red 40 Lake, Titanium Dioxide, Blue 2 Lake, Red 40, Blue 1, Blue 1 Lake, Yellow 5 Lake, Yellow 5, Yellow 6, Yellow 6 Lake), Sodium Citrate, Carnauba Wax... AND NOTHING ELSE!

When properly punctuated, Product X is probably some molecular gastronomic masterpiece invented at El Bulli.

It's not. It's Skittles!

This year use ...And Nothing Else in place of a period (e.g. I think Junior's cheesecake is overrated ...And Nothing Else!). Others may find it smug and off-putting, but that's because they can't hang with your artisanal values.

Your New Sports team... the 1969 New York Mets!

Remember the Miracle Mets? Remember Tom Seaver winning 25 games, Nolan Ryan's first quality season, and Donn Clendenon's World Series MVP?

Probably not.

It doesn't matter. In hipsterology, sports loyalties are as trend-driven as anything else. Futbol was cool in 2010, during the only World Cup the United States somewhat paid attention to. Unfortunately, cheering on your favorite third-world team is passe this time around.

This year, vintage Mets gear is all the rage. Outer-borough hipsters love Citi Field's relative accessibility and affordability. Unlike Shea Stadium, it's also a nice place to take in a game.

Now is the time to outfit with vintage-style team gear like this shirt from mlb.com. Then, when, the season comes, you can fashionably miss the games to watch old Doc Gooden videos and cry yourself to sleep.