Become a Rock Star this Summer! No Experience Necessary!

Good day Psychoeuphorologists!

Graduation season, my birthday, and all sorts of petty obligations have taken me away from this forum for the past few weeks. Now, it's time to give back to my loyal readership.

This post will outline rock band concepts that you can implement this summer, even if you have no musical background. These ideas can be tailored for any amount of people or gear. I even hook you up with a name, song ideas, and rationalizations for why your band sucks.

Have fun and get started. The women and free booze won't wait!


Band I

Name: Dies Irae

Genre: Not Madrigal, Hard Madrigal.

Concept: Gather a few voices and get it on! Singing on pitch or in key is neither good nor desirable in the Hard Madrigal genre. You want that edgy, cacophonous sound that takes your audience to the Eighth Layer of Hell. The Gregorians can keep their toothpaste-jingle chants. You sing in the language of the Early-Modern Street.

EP Track List: 1) Non al Suo Amante (Petrarch/da Bologna) 2) The Lamentations of Jeremiah (T. Tallis) 3) Crucifixus (A. Lotti) 4) Mash-up: My Bonny Lass She Smileth/April is in my Mistress's Face (T. Morely)

Why your band never made it: Excommunicated from most venues for refusing to sing Scarborough Fair.


Band II

Name: Penis Envy

Genre: Protest rock, punk.

Concept: A Pussy Riot tribute band! In an interview, Yoko Ono was asked if she thought Pussy Riot had any musical merit beyond their politics. She dodged the question. If Yoko Ono thinks they suck, how good do you have to be to play their hits?

EP Track List: (All songs by Pussy Riot) 1) Putin Got Scared 2) Death to Prison, Freedom to Protest 3) Raze the Pavement 4) Kropotkin-Vodka 5) Punk Prayer (Virgin Mary Put Putin Away)

Why your band never made it: KGB plot.


Band III

Name: Feelings Have Feelings Too

Genre: Wuss rock

Concept: What do you call someone who plays the tambourine, the kazoo, and the bongos? If you said  'a first-grader,' you're an insensitive bastard! They prefer the term 'multi-instrumentalist.' You'll need some friends for this one. One person playing a novelty instrument badly is bad. If nine people do it together, it's complex, nuanced, and intellectual. You may want to consider stage personas as well. For example, if you're Bruce Hammersmith from Bakersfield, CA, you should probably perform as Eliot Liebenstien from San Francisco.

EP Track List: (All songs by E. Liebenstien) 1) Remember the Africa Babies 2) Love as Warm as Vinyl 3) Estrella Roja 4) Concerto for Vuvuzela and Ukelele 5) The Ballad of Margaret Sloan-Hunter

Why your band never made it: You were always bigger in Europe.


Band IV

Name: The Gathering

Genre: Unknown

Concept: The band never actually existed. For the purpose of impressing chicks, it was a group you had with a couple friends back when you lived in another country. You had a nice little run of club gigs, and even scored a record deal. You won't find the record on this side of the Atlantic, and the label went out of business before the age of digital distribution.

EP Track List: Does it matter?

Why your band never made it: Too critically acclaimed to succeed.

Spring is Here... It's time for Waffle S'mores!

That's right, spring has sprung. We've past the April showers, and now we have May flowers... and lawn mowing, house cleaning, basketball playoffs, cookouts, sun lazing, etc... 

And you need a dessert than can hold up to all of it. 

You may have seen some recipes out there for Waffle S'mores, but most miss some of the finer points:

Use Frozen Waffles 

Though seasonal, all-natural ingredients are in vogue, many of America's signature desserts are designed for an industrial food supply. The classic example is Key Lime Pie, which made use of the only dairy product available in 19th Century South Florida: Sweetened Condensed Milk. 

The perfect Waffle S'more takes advantage of the frozen waffle's low moisture saturation and fine waffling, which allow it to retain more syrup, chocolate, and marshmallow than a fresh one.

Surface Area Matters

One should use the smallest size of marshmallow available. The higher surface area better covers the waffle while ensuring a complete and even melt. Oversize marshmallows will be burnt on top and cool on the bottom. 

Any chocolate will work, however, a thin milk-chocolate bar works best. Even if you prefer dark chocolate, a bar with high milk-solid content will melt better, and complement the other flavors. My favorite is the Lindt Classic Recipe Milk Chocolate bar.  

Broiling is Best

1) To make a Waffle S'more, start by setting your toaster oven to broil, and place the rack at its highest setting. Toast two frozen waffles until the tops are golden brown. 

2) On the browned side of one waffle place an even layer of marshmallows over the entire surface. Repeat this on the other waffle with broken up chocolate bar. Return to the toaster oven, and broil until the chocolate and marshmallow are melted. 

3) Put the waffle with chocolate on a dessert plate, chocolate side up. Place the marshmallow waffle on top of it, then rotate the top waffle 360 degrees, so that the chocolate and marshmallow mix. 

4) Top with maple syrup, and serve.