Become a Rock Star this Summer! No Experience Necessary!

Good day Psychoeuphorologists!

Graduation season, my birthday, and all sorts of petty obligations have taken me away from this forum for the past few weeks. Now, it's time to give back to my loyal readership.

This post will outline rock band concepts that you can implement this summer, even if you have no musical background. These ideas can be tailored for any amount of people or gear. I even hook you up with a name, song ideas, and rationalizations for why your band sucks.

Have fun and get started. The women and free booze won't wait!


Band I

Name: Dies Irae

Genre: Not Madrigal, Hard Madrigal.

Concept: Gather a few voices and get it on! Singing on pitch or in key is neither good nor desirable in the Hard Madrigal genre. You want that edgy, cacophonous sound that takes your audience to the Eighth Layer of Hell. The Gregorians can keep their toothpaste-jingle chants. You sing in the language of the Early-Modern Street.

EP Track List: 1) Non al Suo Amante (Petrarch/da Bologna) 2) The Lamentations of Jeremiah (T. Tallis) 3) Crucifixus (A. Lotti) 4) Mash-up: My Bonny Lass She Smileth/April is in my Mistress's Face (T. Morely)

Why your band never made it: Excommunicated from most venues for refusing to sing Scarborough Fair.


Band II

Name: Penis Envy

Genre: Protest rock, punk.

Concept: A Pussy Riot tribute band! In an interview, Yoko Ono was asked if she thought Pussy Riot had any musical merit beyond their politics. She dodged the question. If Yoko Ono thinks they suck, how good do you have to be to play their hits?

EP Track List: (All songs by Pussy Riot) 1) Putin Got Scared 2) Death to Prison, Freedom to Protest 3) Raze the Pavement 4) Kropotkin-Vodka 5) Punk Prayer (Virgin Mary Put Putin Away)

Why your band never made it: KGB plot.


Band III

Name: Feelings Have Feelings Too

Genre: Wuss rock

Concept: What do you call someone who plays the tambourine, the kazoo, and the bongos? If you said  'a first-grader,' you're an insensitive bastard! They prefer the term 'multi-instrumentalist.' You'll need some friends for this one. One person playing a novelty instrument badly is bad. If nine people do it together, it's complex, nuanced, and intellectual. You may want to consider stage personas as well. For example, if you're Bruce Hammersmith from Bakersfield, CA, you should probably perform as Eliot Liebenstien from San Francisco.

EP Track List: (All songs by E. Liebenstien) 1) Remember the Africa Babies 2) Love as Warm as Vinyl 3) Estrella Roja 4) Concerto for Vuvuzela and Ukelele 5) The Ballad of Margaret Sloan-Hunter

Why your band never made it: You were always bigger in Europe.


Band IV

Name: The Gathering

Genre: Unknown

Concept: The band never actually existed. For the purpose of impressing chicks, it was a group you had with a couple friends back when you lived in another country. You had a nice little run of club gigs, and even scored a record deal. You won't find the record on this side of the Atlantic, and the label went out of business before the age of digital distribution.

EP Track List: Does it matter?

Why your band never made it: Too critically acclaimed to succeed.