We're approaching the All-Star Break. The playoff races have yet to develop, and the glow of Opening Day has passed.
Why wait for the offseason? Now is the time to take stock of the Great American Pastime (circa 1953), and figure out what can be done to improve it. Here are some fun ideas:
1) The Designated Fielder Rule: The Designated Hitter has been an unequivocal success. Time to double down. To be applied in both leagues, the DFR will allow teams to keep one player in the batting order while replacing him in the field with a superior defender.
Finally, the charade of Derek Jeter as a Major League shortstop is over!
2) The Early Bird Specialist: Guys who are Major League players past the age of 40 have a special place in our hearts. The problem is that most are shells of their former selves.
How do we help these players hang on a little longer without resorting to HGH? Simple.
MLB and the Player's Union should draft an amendment to the current Collective Bargaining Agreement, in which Players Over-40 are designated Early Bird Specialists. As EBS, they are only eligible to play in games which begin before 4:30 PM, but don't count against the active roster. This gives teams a crucial layer of depth, while giving the old-timers a workload that gets them home before Matlock.
As fans, we would be treated to Jim Thome's now never-ending quest for Home Run Number 763, and Mariano Rivera's pursuit of his 1,000 save. Fun stuff!
3) A League Orchestrated Plot to Sell the Miami Marlins to the Cuban Government: You know, like the one that allowed Jeffery Loria to divest himself of the Montreal Expos and purchase the more glamorous and storied Flordia Marlins.
There's no need to harp on the ways Loria has abused the fans on and off the field. This is a space for solutions.
The Castro brothers only have so much longer to live. They have tremendous personal wealth, but this won't matter when their life's work becomes the first casualty of La Cuba Nueva. In particular, Fidel's retirement leaves him with a lot of time to pursue his life's other passion: Beisbol.
It's simple: The League buys the City of Miami out of its disastrous stake in Marlins Park, thus gaining leverage over Loria. Fidel produces $500 million in cash from The People's Secret Swiss Bank Account. Rather than deal with a hostile landlord, Loria sells the team to the Cuban Ministry of Baseball, which relocates the team to Havana. The Marlins will be renamed after the city's old professional team, the Sugar Kings (Los Reyes de Azucar).
Now the stage is set for relevance. Whatever crumbling dump of a stadium they play in will be sold out every game, as spectators will be conscripted from the countryside. The campesinos won't be overburdened though, as the Venezuelan government will pay for their tickets, as well as officially licensed hats, jerseys, and foam fingers. As Cuban-American rapprochement continues, the team will become a favorite of vacationing Gringos, who will flock to the only stadium in professional sports that allows smoking.
Furthermore, the Sugar Kings will be playing as Latin America's team, giving them an identity and purpose the Marlins lacked. Rather than allow stateside clubs to exploit their cheap talent, our South American frenemies will send their best prospects straight to Havana, giving Los Reyes right of first refusal on the best prospects from Venezuala, Columbia, Boliva, et al.
With this large, loyal fan base, and deep farm system, the Sugar Kings will be poised to weather whatever regime changes may come for the nation.
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