Christmas Movie Power Rankings for 2013

With the Holiday season in full swing, this power ranking of the top 10 Christmas movies will help you organize and prioritize screenings for you and your family.

There are two criteria which determine each film's rank. First is the overall quality of the film (as judged by me). Second is the film's current relevance (according to the same panel). 

The first score doesn't change much from year to year. Hence, it's the second score that really stirs the rankings. 

10. A Christmas Story (1983)

It's the Great American Epic for those who once considered Johnny Carson the Great American Humorist. It's a nostalgic portrait of what passed for family dysfunction in the 1950's midwest. The film cracks the list because its tameness makes for annual ubiquity on basic cable.

It loses points for contemporary relevance, due to the protagonist's outdated longing for a .22 rifle. Raised on a decade of special-ops headshooting games, today's kids want some serious firepower coming down the chimney. 

9. The Polar Express (2004)

Whereas the book is an understated classic, the movie is a big budget CGI-driven spectacular starring Tom Hanks. Because of its continual refinement, CGI doesn't always age well, and even the best can end up looking cheap by their fifth birthday. Hence, it's difficult to gage this movie's actual timelessness. I should have a better idea in forty years. 

The film's greatest strength is its run time of 100 minutes. In other words, it will occupy the kids for 85 minutes longer than the book, and all you have to do is press play and refresh your egg nog. 

8. A Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

It's saccharine piece of garbage, but it makes the list by dominating the airwaves from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day. 

Expect it to slide in future years. The film begins with the Thanksgiving Day Parade, a boring institution which gets cheesier ever year. Much of it is set at Macy's, which was classy and cool in 1947, but doesn't mean much to modern shoppers. Finally, Kris Kringle's trial hinges on the integrity and cultural authority of the federal government, which is downright quaint. The film's contemporary relevance should only continue to slide. 

Yes Virginia, everything really was that lame in the olden days.

7.  Elf (2003)

For the time being, Elf is in a holding pattern around the middle of the order. Though an instant classic on its release, it is now a stale, 10-year old movie, featuring a no-longer-box-office-gold star. In a few years, it will hit the nostalgia sweet spot (15-20 years after release), sooner if Anchorman 2 is a hit (or Will Ferrell dies of a heroin overdose). At that point, it will be anchored in the Top 5. 

Context aside, the film's humor is solid, and it doesn't lean on its effects budget as much as The Polar Express. Using the Empire State Building and Central Park as key settings is smart, as those things will probably still be around in a few decades. 

6. The Santa Claus (1994)

Here is a perfect example of the nostalgia curve in action. The Santa Claus dominated the holiday box office in 1994 thanks to its white-hot star, Tim Allen (in November '94, Home Improvement was the highest rated show in America, and Allen's book hit number one on the New York Times bestseller list). Fifteen years later, the movie was a Clinton-era artifact with two bad sequels.

This is year, it's begun to work its way into the basic cable rotation, as America comes to remember that Tim Allen is a solid comedic actor. The Santa Claus is only his third best film (behind Toy Story and Galaxy Quest), but at a sentimental time of year, it may be the one that leads re-sparks interest in his works.

5. Jingle All the Way (1996)

When it comes to prime Christmas nostalgia, what's better than one 1990's comedy icon?

Three! In this case Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, and Phil Hartman. Critics hated Jingle All the Way for Schwarzenegger's wooden acting (despite nearly two decades of box office receipts, they had yet to figure out that America counted this as a positive), and materialistic premise. Which is to say it's critically despised in the best way possible.

Furthermore, in an age when Black Friday is a semi-holiday in its own right, Arnold and Sinbad's struggle to secure the last Turbo-Man for their sons is as relatable as ever.

4. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Stop-motion never goes out of style. This is what keeps RRNR in the top 5, despite its annoying theme song.

It's also the go-to film for those who spend their Christmas plagued by emotional demons. Just get a few chronically depressed friends together and go around the room picking out which Misfit Toy you're most like.

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

It explored the over-commercialization of Christmas before that became its own empty headed cliche. Nearly 50 years later, it remains the definitive work on the subject. It's sarcastic, witty, charming, sweet-hearted and even edgy. Directly quoting the Gospel to explain the meaning of Christmas was as bold a statement then as it would be today.

On top of that, it introduced the Peanuts universe's signature tune: Linus and Lucy.

2. Frozen (2013)

I've never seen this movie. I don't even know if its been released in theaters yet. I'm just pandering to the children. After all, they're the one who will staff my nursing home.

1. Lethal Weapon (1987)

It's not even close. Lethal Weapon is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.

Not only that, it's one of the greatest movies for any time of year.

It's the story of Roger Murdock (Danny Glover) an old-school, by-the-book LAPD detective paired with Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson), a loose cannon special-ops veteran. Together they hunt down those who would make Christmas unmerry for the people of Los Angeles. Early tensions threaten to overwhelm the partnership. However, in time they develop mutual respect, professionally and personally.

It all comes to a head in one of the greatest fight scenes ever, a Jailhouse Rock soaked Jiu-Jitsu match between Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Joshua (Gary Busey). Though Riggs wins the fight with a triangle choke, Joshua steals a gun off an arresting officer, and takes aim before being gunned down by Riggs and Murdock...

Together.

Once stuck with each other through an error of destiny, the two men not only put aside their differences, but created a bond so strong they knew to turn and shoot with one mind.

And coming together with your fellow man is what Christmas is all about. 

A Haunting in Brooklyn: The Real Forces Behind the Brooklyn Nets' Lost Season

For those of you who don't follow the NBA, the Brooklyn Nets are having a rough season. Their front office went all-in on contending for a championship this year, with disastrous results so far.

Unimaginative as they are, reporters, pundits, and internet shouting-heads have looked for explanations on the court. They reason that this team is old, slow, and undercoached. Some believe this team just hasn't yet found its stride.

They're wrong.

This has nothing to do with basketball.

What's happening in Brooklyn is a classic horror story. The best laid plans of the rich and arrogant have been wrecked by ancient, immutable forces which lurk in the lizard brain of our universe.

It started well before the Nets tipped off in Brooklyn. The team's rusting freighter hulk which suggests to all who see it that death is the only purpose of life lovely new arena, Barclays Center, was built thanks to questionable eminent domain rulings which condemned many local residences and businesses so that Brooklyn could once again have a major-league sports team.

They should have known better. In supernatural terms, reckless eminent domain usage is the yuppie equivalent to digging up an Indian graveyard.

A curse had been born.

Compounding the issue, the site of Barclays Center is where the Brooklyn Dodgers were supposed to have a new stadium before ownership pulled up stakes for Los Angeles. Just as the Overlook Hotel was a hotspot for evil, so are the Atlantic Yards an extrascientific locus for sports heartbreak.  

None of this was obvious at first. In their first season in Brooklyn, the Nets made the playoffs before losing in the first round. So far so good. Fielding a decent team was important for a franchise building a fan base in a market with an established rival across the East River.

If only they knew what was coming.

As the summer of 2013 wore on, hopes were rising. Then the worst happened. To meet its owner's hubristic demand for a championship, the Nets' front office traded several veteran players and three first round picks to the Boston Celtics for...

A TRIO OF WALKERS!!!!!!!!!!!

Once vibrant humans, the specimens formerly known as Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Jason Terry now haunt the Barclays Center. Though bearing rough physical resemblance to their former selves, they can only shuffle and limp their decayed, broken bodies around the court. What life they still have is sucked from the rest of the team through some perverse osmosis still beyond scientific understanding.

Running this horror show is the Nets' head coach Jason Kidd. In another Shining parallel, Kidd is an alcoholic with a history of domestic violence sent to manage an operation he has no experience with, or understanding of. As winter wears on, the losses mount
, and Kidd's personal insecurities cut deeper into his sanity, expect him to try and axe murder his promising young center, Mason Plumlee.

No one knows what supernatural terrors are yet in store for the franchise. However, the smart money is on the reemergence of former minority owner Jay-Z. After all, he's really just an Oz-like specter hiding the world from a creatively exhausted rapper turned figurehead executive.

Ghosts. Zombies. Curses. Go Nets!

If the Cowboys Are America's Team, What Does That Say About America?

In fairness to the United States, the tagline 'America's Team' was invented by NFL Films, and does not carry any legitimate meaning.

However... If the Cowboys are America's Team, What does that imply about us as a nation?

1. That America peaked in the mid-1990's.

2. That, since that time, every one of our nation's victories has been undone by nonsensical blundering; leading to year after year of 8-8 outcomes.

3. We continue to appoint ineffectual head coaches whom we hang on to too long.

4. Our vast resources are squandered by an organization that cannot translate wealth to power.

5. Our roster's limited middle class makes it hard to build the team for the long term.

6. We once had a thing for Jessica Simpson.

Pretty cynical, but that's what 'America's Team' says about us. In the past, commentators have tried to claim the title for a new team that better accentuates our national virtues.

This is pointless. The title of 'America's Team' must be wrested like Excalibur from the Stone by the ONE TRUE TEAM.

I don't know which team that is, but I'll guess it's the Packers.

In Light of the Current Standard of Reason... A New Solution to the Federal Shutdown

In the last few weeks we have witnessed something rare in American politics. The Federal Shutdown, which was expected to be a crippling embarrassment to Democrats, Republicans, and the nation at large... has been just that. In this way, a nation once seemingly torn apart by partisan bickering has found common ground in its anger. 

Congratulations, America!

But before we write off this Congress as hopeless, let's take a look at our role in this mess. After all, We The People are the most schizophrenic, under/mis informed, and needy special interest group of them all. We elect Congressmen to represent our erratic will, so why should we be surprised by the results. Right now we hate them for being uncompromising, but let's face it, if they brokered a sensible deal we'd run them out office as spineless backsliders.  

You just can't win with the American people. 

I propose we help our Congressmen out:

1) It's clear that thoughtful contemplation is pointless in contemporary political culture. Therefore, the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool should be paved over to create the National Dueling Grounds: An open air arena with a 100'x60' grass dueling pitch. At the long ends will be 10' high earthen berms, along the sides will be seating for every member of Congress, the President, his Cabinet, and the Supreme Court. 

2) A quick draft of the 28th Amendment: At any time, whether or not Congress is in session, any member of Congress shall have the power to challenge any other to a duel to the death in order to resolve the business of the Congress. The challenging member must be seconded. The challenged member may choose their second, or have one appointed by the Supreme Court. The duel must take place within 48 hours of the challenge at the National Dueling Grounds. It shall be held at noon of that day, and decided with pistols at 20 paces. Each combatant shall have 10 shots. The challenged member shall choose his end of the pitch. Should both participants survive the duel, a winner will be chosen through simple majority by Twitter poll.

3) A matching set of Colt 1911 .45 caliber pistols will be commissioned, and kept by a non-partisan Congressional Armorer. Upon election, each member of Congress shall have custom tactical grips made to fit their hands, which will be fitted by the armorer when needed. The pistols will be nickel-clad and engraved with glorious scenes from America's past. They will officially be known as the Filiblasters. 

We've seen that the threat of disgrace and embarrassment won't make Congress act. But perhaps the Specter of Death will move them. 

Breaking Down Tim Tebow's Chances in the Ministry, Plus a Bonus Six-Pack on NFL Week 1

The 2013-14 NFL regular season is two weeks old, and Tim Tebow is still a free agent. Although he insists he is still in hot pursuit an NFL quarterbacking job, his two month stint as a New England Patriot was probably his last, best shot. His fans have always known he would have a productive life after football. It's just coming up sooner than expected.

Given his passion for spreading the Gospel, vocational ministry seems like a good fit. But does he have the right stuff, or will his football struggles follow him to the pulpit?

First, take a few minutes to review the Combine interview.

Now let's size him up at a few different positions:

1) Televangelist

On the surface this makes sense. It's a high-charisma job with large crowds to feed off. In the video you just watched, his comfort on the big stage is obvious. Better still, theological consistency doesn't matter; which is critical for someone with erratic fundamentals. After all, Joel Osteen became the biggest preacher in America by mixing Southern Baptism, Old-School Calvinism, and Eric Cartman-style prosperity gospel; then supercharging it with a winning smile.

However, I don't think this is the best fit for Tebow. In the Combine tape, it's clear he relishes the personal connections he forms with his flock. These relationships are the backbone of his moral authority. After all, he kept Aaron Hernandez relatively in line for three years. Even Bill Belichick couldn't do that.

Televangelising takes him off the front lines, which negates his greatest strength.

2) Catholic Priest

Considering that Tebow is a Southern Baptist, this one seems out of the cards. However, changing denominations could be his best route to personal and professional development.

His father Bob Tebow, has spent over 20 years doing missionary work in the Philippines; work that Tim has deep involvement in. It's important stuff too. In the words of the Bob Tebow Foundation, "Of the 86 million Filipinos, we estimate that over 65 million have never once heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

What better way to start turning things around than to master the Christless faith held by 80% of the locals: Roman Catholicism.

Tim's penchants for sexual abstinence and genuflection are a good start. Plus, joining the Priesthood would have trickle down benefits.

It's no leap to assume his quarterbacking struggles have their intellectual roots in Southern Baptism. It's stripped down clerical structure, belief in church autonomy, and insistence on individual conversion just doesn't prepare young men for the complicated, hyper-regimented, toe-the-line, move with one mind nature of an NFL offense.

The Catholic Church gives Tebow the grounding in organizational discipline he never had, along with the most Byzantine playbook known to man (settle down theology geeks! It's just an expression). If he can pick apart Meister Eckhart, the Ryan brothers don't stand a chance.

You might think this is nuts, but consider another strong-armed, scatter-balling southpaw. Michael Vick was removed from society for a year and half and somehow emerged as an accurate passer who now helms one of the league's most progressive, difficult offenses. A monastic stint could be just the thing to make Tebow the next great Catholic passer in the mold of Tom Brady, Dan Marino, and Joe Montana.

3) Christian Rocker

As far as I know Tebow has no serious musical background. Furthermore, starting a Christian rock band would mean throwing in the towel on football.

BUT

In the music business, succeeding on 47% of your attempts makes you the Second Coming of Elvis.


BONUS! SIX PACK OF THOUGHTS THROUGH WEEK 2 OF THE 2013-14 NFL SEASON

1) The Miami Dolphins uniform change is a disaster. The old uniforms oozed rackish 60's cool. The team's current logo looks like Free Willy after being beached for a week. The lettering must have been borrowed from a minor league soccer team.

2) Marc Trestman's seditious foreign influence is being felt. Not only are the Bears 2-0 with his edgy metric offense, but other teams are taking pages from the playbook of the Great White North. For a few years the sports media has foamed at the mouth about how the NFL has become a school-yard passing league. I think Bill Belichick has explained it better on several occasions by pointing out that today's game is played more in space. Horizontal concepts are becoming more important whether through run or pass. With that in mind, the success of wide field veterans such as Trestman, and players like Cameron Wake and Brandon Browner is no surprise.

3) It's strange to think that just a few years ago, Ndamukong Suh was one of the most popular players in the league. Remember when he was doing Subway commercials with Justin Tuck and Michael Phelps? How about his maudlin cruise through Portland in a Chrysler? With his current reputation it's hard to see him landing a high profile campaign again.

4) Being a starting quarterback in the NFL is a double-edged sword. When your team wins, you're showered in glory. When your team loses, you shoulder disproportionate blame. Unless you're Tony Romo, in which case you'll be blamed in any event. Every sane measure of quarterback play suggests that Romo is an above-average player who has spent his career dragging an undercoached, usually banged-up roster with no depth into relevance.

The best outcome is for the Cowboys to cut Romo at the end of the season. Given the weak market for over-30 starters, he'll probably settle for a backup job on a stacked team. Then when Russell Wilson/Colin Kaepernick/Matt Schaub/whoever goes down, Romo captains a brilliant Super-Bowl campaign in which he isn't running for his life every other play, and doesn't need three touchdowns to tie in every other fourth quarter.

On the other side, the Cowboys get a huge dead-money crater from Romo's accelerated cap hit. With that plus the dazed head coaching of Jason Garrett, and an incoherent roster of scrubs who squander the efforts of Demarcus Ware, Sean Lee, Dez Bryant, et. al. Dallas falls into the Number 1 pick of the 2015 Draft which it will use on Jamarcus Russell. This will confirm what we all thought: Al Davis' soul has found a natural home in the vessel of Jerry Jones

5) Wes Welker has already made some nice plays for the Denver Broncos, but against the Giants, he did have several drops, and against Baltimore, he muffed a punt return. In light of this, New England's decision to move on makes sense. Welker is still productive, but slot/middle of the field receivers don't age, so much as they fall of a cliff. Remember T.J. Houshmandzadeh? He got a big contract from Seattle after his age 31 season and lasted a year before falling into obscurity. Welker is better than Housh, but his diminished ball catching skills may be a symptom that the wear and tear is catching up.

Still, the arrangement works for everyone. Denver fills a hole in its offense, Welker comes to a team where he can crack wise in front of the cameras, and New England saves a 2014 roster spot for the guy they really want: Emmanuel Sanders

6) After starting 0-2, the Giants are becoming a trendy Super Bowl pick. After all, this team has not played well with the weight of expectation. The 2008 Giants followed a 12-4 regular season by losing a Divisional Round game in which they didn't score a touchdown. Last years Giants didn't even make the playoffs. With any hopes for this team fading, it has drawn comparisons to 2007, in which they started 0-2 before going on to win the Super Bowl.

I don't see it. The 2007 team was talented, but took some time to find it's stride. Between injuries, free-agent losses, and weak drafting, this team just doesn't have the horses. Sometimes, when no one believes in you... there's a reason.  

Psychoeuphorology Today's Wild West Road Show Part I: Only the Best Come North

Good morning from Minot, North Dakota.

If you're a fan of Mutually Assured Destruction, you know it for Minot Air Force Base, home of the 91st Missile Wing of the USAF, which is charged with keeping the world in the crosshairs of our Minutemen III ICBMs.

But if you're a petrochemical enthusiast, you know it as the great metropolis of the Bakken Oil Shale, which has only recently begun yielding oil and natural gas thanks to the wonders of hydrofracking.

It's the second reason that brought me here. Sort of.

The oil boom in Western North Dakota has put a strain on the region's infrastructure in every regard. My purpose here is to take a look at investments in housing for the booming population to see if they make sense for me; a slick talking Easterner who can't slick talk his way around the high prices and weak returns of the Northeastern real estate markets.

So far it looks promising. Conservative estimates suggest at least 30 years of hydrocarbon extraction, and the short construction season makes it hard to saturate the demand-heavy housing market in a timely way. As developers build cheap, fast, and low-density, housing prices should remain high (comparable to Manhattan for renters!) for the forseeable future.

My first impressions are mostly pleasant. I thought I was coming to the asshole of the world. I read Son of the Morning Star, and I was expecting horseflies the size of my fist, dust-storms, and suffocating heat. In the words of the USAF fact sheet, "Yes, it can get cold in the winter, but it also gets very warm during the summer." I've lucked out though. The forecast for my trip is sunny and 80 degrees.

Having lived in the Midwest, this place seems like Illinois, but more so. It's flatter, the people are nicer, and the service is slower, as I learned trying to get a cab from the airport.

The main street of Minot is Broadway. Driving it end to end tells you most of what you need to know about the people of this city:

1. Their favorite pastime is Lutheranism.
2. The principle form of nightlife is the Lounge Casino (more on that in a bit).
3. Minot is known as the Magic City.
4. Most fast food places are open 24 hours.

Last night, I acquainted myself with the lounge casino concept by completing the Dirty Old Man Triple Crown:

1. I went bowling alone, and rolled a 74!.
2. Hung out alone in an bar, where even the bartenders won't talk to me. It's owned by a Yankees fan. Being from Minot, he could go with any MLB team he wanted. He choose the one with the most tacky framed merchandise.
3. I played $1 blackjack, sponsored by the Minot Junior Golf Association. The chips feature a cartoon mouse holding a flag that says 'Wee Links.' The dealers wear a shirt with the same emblem.

... all at the same establishment.

In future installments, you'll hear all about my adventures in the Upper Plains, such as: tackling the Faulkneresque social structures of rural North Dakota, saving Dacotah culture, winning back my dollar blackjack losses, and reviewing the best Buffalo Steaks in Ward County.

It's all here in the Psychoeuphorology Today Wild West Road Show!

I Should Have Gone into Tech, and Other Observations on the Tumblr Buyout

One of this summer's biggest business news items is Yahoo's recent $1 billion buyout of Tumblr. In theory, the rationale is sound. Yahoo needs to shed it's image as a doddering relic of the Clinton Administration, and Tumblr is going broke. Still $1 billion is steep, especially considering that 3/4 of that is being accounted for as "goodwill."

The Tumblr brand has value, but... really... $750 million for a few missing vowels?

Sounds like Web 1.0 all over again.

What I mean is that change is provoking older companies to react out of fear.

My favorite example from the Pets.com era was a company called Razorfish. It was founded by Craig Kanarick and Jeff Dachis in 1995, as a web-development services company based in Manhattan. They built solid websites, but so did lots of companies, even then.

The real secret to Razorfish lay in its swaggering corporate culture. Kanarick and Dachis were classic arrogant hipsters. Their condescending manner towards clients was legendary, as was Dachis' mastery of empty buzzwords.

They didn't build websites, they asked you to recontextualize your business.

And in the glory years, there were plenty of clients who wanted to recontextualize. In times of change, overpriced "experts" make hay. Executives who feared and misunderstood the internet could pick up a phone, write a check, and be talked down to by a 26 year-old with blue hair. Nothing could be more reassuring.

Razorfish still exists, but it's a shell of its former self, and the founders moved on over a decade ago.
At its height, it was an overvalued company which profited off fear, rather than what it really brought to the table.

In 2013, Yahoo is behaving like a Razorfish client. The Tumblr deal reflects an old company panicking in order to keep up with competitors. It's a deal in line with the strategy the company has pursed since hiring 38 year-old former Google executive Marissa Mayer as its CEO. To her credit, Mayer has done what she was brought in to do: Make Yahoo.com function more like Google.

But casting yourself as a cheap imitation of a competitor is a tough way to get ahead. Tumblr is a sensible addition to Yahoo's portfolio of services, but paying $1 billion for a company whose value is mostly ephemeral is absurd. Given her experience, Mayer should have known better than to make a classic Web 1.0 mistake.