We Now Interrupt Real Football to Bring You Some Offseason Fluff

During last Thursday's game between the Ravens and Steelers, Pittsburgh wideout Darrius Heyward-Bey caught my attention. It wasn't for his nice touchdown catch, but rather that Phil Simms introduced him by his draft status. The seventh-overall selection of the 2009 Draft has never lived down the pick, but not in the way most draft busts do.

That's because DHB is not a real 'bust.' Coming out of college, he was a one-dimensional track star with exceptional straight line speed and little else. The only person who saw a top-10 talent was Al Davis, who selected him to be Jamarcus Russell's top target. The rest was a footnote to history.

Yet no one mentions this with derision or disappointment. DHB is a seventh-year pro on his third team with a steady role among Pittsburgh's deep collection of skill players. That's not much from the seventh-overall pick. But for a combine freak who no one believed in, he's done well.

So well that I'm naming an award after him. A DHB All-Star is an obviously overdrafted player who everyone knew wasn't that good, but carved out a nice career anyway. Some were raw athletes with limited football skills (EJ Manuel), while others mixed first-round hustle with third-round upside (Tyson Alualu). Whatever their story, these players deserve our respect and admiration, but not our awe and amazement.

The 2015 draft class has a few candidates for DHB All-Stardom. The most obvious are Todd Gurley and Melvin Gordon. Despite their exceptional talents, the new prevailing wisdom that halfbacks aren't worth first-round picks discounts what fans expect of them.

Breshad Perriman of the Baltimore Ravens is the most likely DHBAS. After a solid career at the University of Central Florida, he was drafted 26th overall after running a 4.25 at his pro day. He can play, but mostly he runs fast. Sound familiar?

The 2015 Guide to Getting Overexcited About the NFL Draft

The 2015 NFL Draft is in the books!

There will be no real NFL news until training camps open. Now is the time for overblown predicions.

Any analysis of your team will end in one of two conclusions.

1) This is OUR FUCKING YEAR!

2) We're totally fucked.

How your team drafted is a big part of the assessment. Internet scouting reports provide a decent overview of a player's potential, but that's for managing the post-free agency hangover. Now is the time to get excited. For that, the best tool is a good old-fashioned YouTube highlight reel.

Let's break down some of my favorite reels and see what they say about the 2015 season.

 Brandon Scherff, OT, Iowa. Drafted by 5th overall by the Washington Redskins

This video is great because it answers all the FAQ's that come with highly touted lineman.

Q: Yeah he's a bear, but can he move his fat ass?

A: Yes! This video emphasizes Scherff's movement in space. At 2:01 he pulls from inside the hash to the numbers, turns upfield, and then blocks his man into the parking lot. Great quickness, great feet, and great power. Few lineman are that devastating outside the tackle box.

Q: Plenty of kids can run block, but I'm paying (Franchise Quarterback X) $20 million this year! Is this guy gonna keep him on the field?

A: Sure. Check out the play at :59. Rather than committing to the defensive end, Scherff anticipates a blitz and stays patient. When the extra defender comes, Scherff squares him up and puts him on the ground.

Q: Some guys love football. Some guys don't. Which kind am I getting?

A: Did you watch that video? This kid is nasty as Possum Fuck. He lives to wreck people.

In spite of all this, some can't see beyond Scherff's listed height of 6' 5''. As we all know, shortish guys without pornographic combine numbers (like Joe Thomas) can't play tackle in the NFL. For this reason the 2015 Washington Redskins are TOTALLY FUCKED!


Vic Beasley, OLB, Clemson. Drafted 8th overall by the Atlanta Falcons

This video doesn't excite me. Vic Beasley is super-twitchy, but this reel makes me question his pro potential. All we see him do is speed-rush from the outside. He blows away whatever fat kid Directional State X throws at him, but without an inside move, better hand technique, and a few counters, he will top out as a situational player.

He reminds me of Bruce Irvin, who Seattle picked 15th overall in 2012. Great first step, high-motor, and 16.5 sacks through three seasons. That's not bad, but it's not the transformative impact expected of a high first-rounder.

For this reason the 2015 Atlanta Falcons are TOTALLY FUCKED!


Randy Gregory, DE, Nebraska. Drafted 60th overall by the Dallas Cowboys

This is more like it.

Inside. Outside. Playside. Backside. Defense. Special Teams. Run. Pass. This is bad-ass film.

Never mind that there are beefier edge players at your local middle school. Never mind that he may be mentally unstable and shares a locker room with Greg Hardy.

Randy Gregory can ball. He may go down as the greatest two first-name athlete since Ricky Bobby.

In light of this, 2015 is the Dallas Cowboy's FUCKING YEAR!


Malcolm Brown, DT, Texas. Drafted 32nd overall by the New England Patriots

Forget what you just saw. Malcolm Brown is a fine young man and a talented athlete. It doesn't matter.

I'm a New Englander and I know my people. The Puritan legacy lives on through our sporting culture. In our thinking, God is always punishing us. Always. When things are going well, this is an unnatural interlude which only leads to a greater fall.

Other fan bases think God hates them. Not true. They just suck. We are wicked and must be cut down. We may profess otherwise when we see Malcolm Brown blowing up lineman, but in our hearts we know that every move Bill Belichick makes is the one that will finally lead us down the road to oblivion.

This is a fine synopsis of the 2015 New England Patriots.

2014 NFL Draft Preview: The Obituaries

We're less than 48 hours from the start of the NFL Draft. By now, you've heard hours of analysis and insight about this year's prospects.

But any analyst can tell you about a player's prospective draft position and potential as a professional. Here at Psychoeuphorology Today, we project a player all the way to the grave.

Here is a mock Top-10, told in brief obituaries.

1. Houston Texans: Jadeveon Clowney (February 14, 1993-March 18, 2076)

Former NFL defensive end Jadeveon Clowney died in his sleep in his Charleston, SC home last night at the age of 83; so bringing him the only peace has known since his late teens. Clowney is best remembered as a draft bust of the Houston Texans. Despite his peerless physical talents and deep technical mastery of the position, he never lived up to expectations. 

Over the course of a 16-year professional career, he struggled his way to 187 career sacks, while making only 9 All-Pro Teams, and limping to a lone Defensive Player of the Year award in 2019. To cap the disgrace, Clowney was made to wait the standard five years before his induction into the Hall of Fame; only confirming his sheer averagness. 

After his playing days, Clowney returned to his native South Carolina, where he served as head football coach of West Ashley High School in Charleston. No doubt motivated to escape their coach's cautionary legacy, West Ashley would go on to win four state championships during Clowney's 35-year tenure.

Jadeveon Clowney is survived by his three children, all of whom refuse to be identified for this piece. 

2. St. Louis Rams: Johnny Football (December 6, 1992-February 16, 2028)

Johnny Ballertime Football (born Jonathan Paul Manziel), died from complications of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy today. He was 35. He is remembered as the infamous, Heisman winning quarterback of Texas A&M from 2012-2014, as well as for his bizarre, but effective NFL career. 

In a stunning draft day coup, the Seattle Seahawks traded their entire 2014 draft, plus first and second round picks in 2015 to the St. Louis Rams to pick Johnny Football second overall. In an even stranger move, they then packaged him in a three way trade with the Oakland Raiders which sent him to St. Louis.

The gambit worked, as Football (who legally changed his name after the draft), proved to be the perfect fifth column Seattle needed to undermine a budding division rival. In his rookie season, he built a reputation as a mouthy backup whose habit of calling personal press conferences at local strip clubs proved corrosive to team morale. 

Given the chance to start in 2015 following the release of Sam Bradford, Football's average arm, erratic mechanics and willingness to force plays that weren't there made him indispensable in Seattle's run to another NFC West title. 

Released following the 2016-17 season, Football found his true calling as an Arena League barnstormer, roaming the nation on one game contracts, and deriving most of his income hustling high schoolers at 7-on7. 

As his neurological symptoms worsened, he was briefly seen as a poster boy for the dangers of football. Critics of the game pointed to his early dementia, loose inhibitions, and erratic judgement as proof that football was too dangerous for America's young men. However, a review of his medical records, going back to earliest childhood proved he was always kind of like that. 


3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Blake Bortles (December 16, 1991-August 4, 2072)

Former Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles died today from a heart attack at age 80. He is best remembered for his unsuccessful stint as the starting quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars from 2014-2017. 

At the time he left the University of Central Florida, he was considered by many to have the highest upside of any quarterback prospect in the 2014 NFL draft. He never panned out as a professional, with analysts citing the extreme jump in competition from the American Athletic Conference to NFL as too much for him. 

Though he never betrayed his feelings to the public, friends and family attributed deep ennui as the root of his struggles. Leaving Orlando -the cosmopolitan center of American intellectual life- to play a bloodsport in a blue collar backwater never suited him. 

Retiring after just four seasons, Bortles returned to Orlando, where he devoted his life to a five volume history of the Great Disney Princes. In his words, "As Plutarch did for the leading men of antiquity, and Vasari for those artists behind the second birth of man; so will I do for the finest rulers of our own day." 

The work was unfinished at the time of his death. And written in crayon.  

4. Cleveland Browns: Khalil Mack (February 22, 1991-April 9, 2068)

Khalil Mack passed away yesterday due to complications from heart disease.

Highly regarded going into the 2014 Draft, Mack had all the tools to be the next great Cleveland Browns draft bust. Coming out of a small-time program at the University of Buffalo, he put up big numbers against middling competition, and rose up draft boards thanks to the extra month the NFL gave teams to overthink and second-guess their way to ruination. 

However, Mack never won over the Cleveland coaches or fans. His solid, mindful style of play, marked by high effort on and off the field jarred a football community used to cozy mediocrity. 

He was released by Cleveland after three seasons, and signed with the Pittsburgh Steelers. He was critical in returning that franchise to prominence, highlighting his career with a game-sealing interception in Super Bowl LV. 

After his retirement, he spoke fondly of his time in Cleveland saying, "they gave me my first break in the league. Even though things didn't end great, I'll always be in debt to them for picking a kid out of Buffalo fourth overall." This statement stung the people of Cleveland, who hoped for him to reveal some personal failing that would cushion the blow of losing him. To his dying day they yearned for some admission of criminality, or at least racially charged taunting. Something, anything...

5. Oakland Raiders: Sammy Watkins (June 14, 1993-July 30, 2014)

Former Clemson Wide Receiver Sammy Watkins disappeared into the Black Hole today. He was 21. 

Though talented and well-liked, with a promising career ahead of him, life dealt a cruel blow when he was taken fifth overall in the NFL Draft by the Oakland Raiders. Despite knowing he only had a few months left on this earth, friends and coaches say he remained upbeat to end; immersing himself in strength and conditioning, as well as position specific drills and film study. 

With the commencement of Raiders training camp, he was finally claimed by the little-understood gravitational phenomenon which has disappeared talented football players such as Randy Moss, Darren McFadden, and Charles Woodson. 

Though his demise is tragic, physicists speculate there may be hope for Watkins. Through an inobservable boson field known as 'the trade market' a career once lost to the Black Hole can reacquire mass by passing through known wormholes located in New England, Green Bay, Denver, and Seattle. 

6. Atlanta Falcons: No selection made. Thomas Dimitroff trades the sixth overall pick, a conditional second-rounder in 2015, plus his soul to Satan, so that Tony Gonzalez may be forever young.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mike Evans (August 21, 1993-October 15, 2017)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Mike Evans died today, succumbing to wounds suffered from a accidental discharge of Raymond James Stadium's naval artillery. 

Since being drafted in 2014, Evans had become an invaluable part of Tampa Bay's offense, where his combination of speed and size made him a constant big-play threat. These talents were on display during Sunday's game against the Carolina Panthers, when he caught the go-ahead touchdown on a difficult back-shoulder throw. 

Landing awkwardly on the play, Evans was slow to clear the field. Unaware of this, Captain Fear, Commander of the Buccaneer Cove Surface Squadron ordered a celebratory volley. Evans was struck 7 times by grapeshot from the pirate ship's 32 lbs. carronades. Though no major blood vessels were severed, EMT's were unable to stem the profuse bleeding and vital organ damage. He was pronounced dead on arrival at Royal Tampa Hospital. 

In the days since the tragedy, Evans is already being viewed as a martyr for cannon safety in the United States. The Evans family will be donating the remainder of his 2014 salary to the American Federation for Sensible Heavy Ordinance Policy. The group has already renamed a draft of it's controversial cannon control legislation 'Mike's Law;' and would restrict civilian sales of antique artillery to culverins and demi-culverins.  
  

8. Minnesota Vikings: Jimmy Garroppolo (November 2, 1991-May 17, 2055)

Jimmy Garroppolo died in a single car traffic accident last evening. He was 63 years old. 

He is fondly remembered as the former quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. Holding the eighth pick of the 2014 draft, the Vikings had several options to choose from. However, General Manager Rick Spielman happened to see Garroppolo's episode of Gruden's QB Camp, in which the beloved broadcaster referred to him as 'the Italian Stallion.' Enamored of the nickname, Spielman had his man. 

Over the course of his playing career, Garroppolo would live up to his fictitious nick-namesake. At least the part about taking savage beatings, and retiring due to brain damage. 

9. Buffalo Bills: Jake Matthews (February 11, 1992-April 17, 2080)

Jake Matthews died after a short battle with pancreatic cancer at the age of 88. I think he was Clay's brother or something... Anyways, no seems to have much to say about him, so he must have been a pretty good left tackle. 

10. Detroit Lions: Yoshi (November 21, 1990-January 18, 2019)

Beloved Nintendo character Yoshi died suddenly yesterday at the age of 28. He was best known for his appearances with the Super Mario, Mario Kart, Super Smash Brothers, and Detroit Lions franchises. 

Bored and unfulfilled in his other competitive endeavors, Yoshi entered the NFL Draft in 2014. Having spent years acquiring Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, and Reggie Bush, the Lions took Yoshi 10th overall to complete their video game offense. 

Yoshi's flutter jump, and sticky prehensile tongue made him an impossible cover for human defensive backs. Though the Lions never won a Super Bowl, they did set several high scores. 

Though cause of death is not yet established, it is believed to have been caused by a poisoned melon.

If the Cowboys Are America's Team, What Does That Say About America?

In fairness to the United States, the tagline 'America's Team' was invented by NFL Films, and does not carry any legitimate meaning.

However... If the Cowboys are America's Team, What does that imply about us as a nation?

1. That America peaked in the mid-1990's.

2. That, since that time, every one of our nation's victories has been undone by nonsensical blundering; leading to year after year of 8-8 outcomes.

3. We continue to appoint ineffectual head coaches whom we hang on to too long.

4. Our vast resources are squandered by an organization that cannot translate wealth to power.

5. Our roster's limited middle class makes it hard to build the team for the long term.

6. We once had a thing for Jessica Simpson.

Pretty cynical, but that's what 'America's Team' says about us. In the past, commentators have tried to claim the title for a new team that better accentuates our national virtues.

This is pointless. The title of 'America's Team' must be wrested like Excalibur from the Stone by the ONE TRUE TEAM.

I don't know which team that is, but I'll guess it's the Packers.

Breaking Down Tim Tebow's Chances in the Ministry, Plus a Bonus Six-Pack on NFL Week 1

The 2013-14 NFL regular season is two weeks old, and Tim Tebow is still a free agent. Although he insists he is still in hot pursuit an NFL quarterbacking job, his two month stint as a New England Patriot was probably his last, best shot. His fans have always known he would have a productive life after football. It's just coming up sooner than expected.

Given his passion for spreading the Gospel, vocational ministry seems like a good fit. But does he have the right stuff, or will his football struggles follow him to the pulpit?

First, take a few minutes to review the Combine interview.

Now let's size him up at a few different positions:

1) Televangelist

On the surface this makes sense. It's a high-charisma job with large crowds to feed off. In the video you just watched, his comfort on the big stage is obvious. Better still, theological consistency doesn't matter; which is critical for someone with erratic fundamentals. After all, Joel Osteen became the biggest preacher in America by mixing Southern Baptism, Old-School Calvinism, and Eric Cartman-style prosperity gospel; then supercharging it with a winning smile.

However, I don't think this is the best fit for Tebow. In the Combine tape, it's clear he relishes the personal connections he forms with his flock. These relationships are the backbone of his moral authority. After all, he kept Aaron Hernandez relatively in line for three years. Even Bill Belichick couldn't do that.

Televangelising takes him off the front lines, which negates his greatest strength.

2) Catholic Priest

Considering that Tebow is a Southern Baptist, this one seems out of the cards. However, changing denominations could be his best route to personal and professional development.

His father Bob Tebow, has spent over 20 years doing missionary work in the Philippines; work that Tim has deep involvement in. It's important stuff too. In the words of the Bob Tebow Foundation, "Of the 86 million Filipinos, we estimate that over 65 million have never once heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

What better way to start turning things around than to master the Christless faith held by 80% of the locals: Roman Catholicism.

Tim's penchants for sexual abstinence and genuflection are a good start. Plus, joining the Priesthood would have trickle down benefits.

It's no leap to assume his quarterbacking struggles have their intellectual roots in Southern Baptism. It's stripped down clerical structure, belief in church autonomy, and insistence on individual conversion just doesn't prepare young men for the complicated, hyper-regimented, toe-the-line, move with one mind nature of an NFL offense.

The Catholic Church gives Tebow the grounding in organizational discipline he never had, along with the most Byzantine playbook known to man (settle down theology geeks! It's just an expression). If he can pick apart Meister Eckhart, the Ryan brothers don't stand a chance.

You might think this is nuts, but consider another strong-armed, scatter-balling southpaw. Michael Vick was removed from society for a year and half and somehow emerged as an accurate passer who now helms one of the league's most progressive, difficult offenses. A monastic stint could be just the thing to make Tebow the next great Catholic passer in the mold of Tom Brady, Dan Marino, and Joe Montana.

3) Christian Rocker

As far as I know Tebow has no serious musical background. Furthermore, starting a Christian rock band would mean throwing in the towel on football.

BUT

In the music business, succeeding on 47% of your attempts makes you the Second Coming of Elvis.


BONUS! SIX PACK OF THOUGHTS THROUGH WEEK 2 OF THE 2013-14 NFL SEASON

1) The Miami Dolphins uniform change is a disaster. The old uniforms oozed rackish 60's cool. The team's current logo looks like Free Willy after being beached for a week. The lettering must have been borrowed from a minor league soccer team.

2) Marc Trestman's seditious foreign influence is being felt. Not only are the Bears 2-0 with his edgy metric offense, but other teams are taking pages from the playbook of the Great White North. For a few years the sports media has foamed at the mouth about how the NFL has become a school-yard passing league. I think Bill Belichick has explained it better on several occasions by pointing out that today's game is played more in space. Horizontal concepts are becoming more important whether through run or pass. With that in mind, the success of wide field veterans such as Trestman, and players like Cameron Wake and Brandon Browner is no surprise.

3) It's strange to think that just a few years ago, Ndamukong Suh was one of the most popular players in the league. Remember when he was doing Subway commercials with Justin Tuck and Michael Phelps? How about his maudlin cruise through Portland in a Chrysler? With his current reputation it's hard to see him landing a high profile campaign again.

4) Being a starting quarterback in the NFL is a double-edged sword. When your team wins, you're showered in glory. When your team loses, you shoulder disproportionate blame. Unless you're Tony Romo, in which case you'll be blamed in any event. Every sane measure of quarterback play suggests that Romo is an above-average player who has spent his career dragging an undercoached, usually banged-up roster with no depth into relevance.

The best outcome is for the Cowboys to cut Romo at the end of the season. Given the weak market for over-30 starters, he'll probably settle for a backup job on a stacked team. Then when Russell Wilson/Colin Kaepernick/Matt Schaub/whoever goes down, Romo captains a brilliant Super-Bowl campaign in which he isn't running for his life every other play, and doesn't need three touchdowns to tie in every other fourth quarter.

On the other side, the Cowboys get a huge dead-money crater from Romo's accelerated cap hit. With that plus the dazed head coaching of Jason Garrett, and an incoherent roster of scrubs who squander the efforts of Demarcus Ware, Sean Lee, Dez Bryant, et. al. Dallas falls into the Number 1 pick of the 2015 Draft which it will use on Jamarcus Russell. This will confirm what we all thought: Al Davis' soul has found a natural home in the vessel of Jerry Jones

5) Wes Welker has already made some nice plays for the Denver Broncos, but against the Giants, he did have several drops, and against Baltimore, he muffed a punt return. In light of this, New England's decision to move on makes sense. Welker is still productive, but slot/middle of the field receivers don't age, so much as they fall of a cliff. Remember T.J. Houshmandzadeh? He got a big contract from Seattle after his age 31 season and lasted a year before falling into obscurity. Welker is better than Housh, but his diminished ball catching skills may be a symptom that the wear and tear is catching up.

Still, the arrangement works for everyone. Denver fills a hole in its offense, Welker comes to a team where he can crack wise in front of the cameras, and New England saves a 2014 roster spot for the guy they really want: Emmanuel Sanders

6) After starting 0-2, the Giants are becoming a trendy Super Bowl pick. After all, this team has not played well with the weight of expectation. The 2008 Giants followed a 12-4 regular season by losing a Divisional Round game in which they didn't score a touchdown. Last years Giants didn't even make the playoffs. With any hopes for this team fading, it has drawn comparisons to 2007, in which they started 0-2 before going on to win the Super Bowl.

I don't see it. The 2007 team was talented, but took some time to find it's stride. Between injuries, free-agent losses, and weak drafting, this team just doesn't have the horses. Sometimes, when no one believes in you... there's a reason.  

The 2013 Harry Potter/NFL Mock Draft!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my quest to create the perfect content, I've learned a little bit about what people really want from published material in the digital age. For this post, I've taken three things America loves (football, countdowns, and magic/fantasy literature that make for good movies), and turned them into Supercontent. 

The order of this mock draft is current through the Darrelle Revis trade. The order will probably shuffle on Thursday, but I can't hold off any longer. 

Many of you were excited to click on this. The rest of you need to start being honest with yourselves. 

Have fun arguing in the comments section!

The picks are in...

Kansas City Chiefs: Rubeus Hagrid, OT, Gryffindor

In a draft full of intriguing but unproven prospects, Hagrid is considered a ‘can’t miss’ player. His 8’ 6’’ frame gives him the length and foot base to keep top pass rushers at bay. In addition, his strength and fierce instincts make him a force in the run game. The murky circumstances surrounding his expulsion from Hogwarts, as well as allegations of dragon-smuggling have raised character issues. Given Coach Andy Reid’s past success with troubled stars, Kansas City should be a good fit. 

Jacksonville Jaguars: Harry Potter, CB, Gryffindor

Though he played Seeker in college, he projects as a cornerback in the pros. He isn’t physically imposing, but his Quidditch tape belies a superior reactive athlete with excellent ball skills, and a dualist's mentality in one-on-one battles. His talent, leadership, and competitive spirit could turn around an underwhelming defense. 

Oakland Raiders: Ronald Weasley, PK, Gryffindor

Al Davis may be dead but his brand of irrational roster managment lives on in Oakland. Sebastian Janikowski, the team’s former first-round kicker, is 35, and entering his twilight decade. Ron Weasley’s pliable temperament and lack of skills make him an ideal backup and towel-boy. 

Philadelphia Eagles: Viktor Krum, CB, Durmstrang

Though some view him as the ‘other’ Quidditch-turned-corner prospect, Krum brings the size and physicality to the position Philadelphia hoped for from Nnamdi Asomaugh. Initially viewed as a small-school project player, his performances at the Quidditch World Cup and the Triwizard Tournament give him an unmatched big-game resume.   

Detroit Lions: Kingsley Shacklebolt, ILB, Gryffindor

A confident communicator who can bring cohesion to an undisciplined defense. As a career auror, some wonder if the wear and tear may catch up to him too soon.  

Cleveland Browns: Dobby, KR, Malfoy Household

An elusive, dependable, team-first player, whose fatalistic, servile attitude is well suited to special-teams play. Though undersized, his fearlessness and ability to make bigger players look foolish has drawn comparisons to Josh Cribbs. 

Arizona Cardinals: Albus Dumbledore, QB, Gryffindor

A cerebral player known for his calming effect on teammates. As an accomplished leglimens, he gathers and analyzes pre-snap information as well as any prospect of recent memory. Though not a great scrambler, his ability to fly without a broomstick gives him sufficient mobility. Despite the positives, his advanced age has sparked unflattering comparisons to Brandon Weeden.  

Buffalo Bills: Voldemort, ILB, Slytherin

A violent, cunning player with a chip on his shoulder and a cult-like following. Delights and excels at exploiting an opponent’s weaknesses. The perfect fit for a defense lacking talent and leadership at the linebacker position. His health is a major issue, as he has trouble maintaining a stable corporeal form. Furthermore, the league has yet to rule on the legality of horcruxes under the Banned Substance Policy. 

New York Jets: Severus Snape, QB, Gryffindor

A leglimens passer similar to Dumbledore, though without the same level of all-around mastery. His skill in occlumency takes on special value to a team known for loose lips around the media. Critics point to his moody, introverted disposition and question his ability to lead an NFL huddle. 

Tennessee Titans: Oliver Wood, C, Gryffindor

Wood’s work ethic is every coach’s dream. His experience as a Keeper should serve him well in pass protection. The center position favors awareness and leadership over pure size, and he should fare well if he can bulk up. 

San Diego Chargers: Charlie Weasley, OLB, Gryffindor

He is the most physically talented Weasley, with a powerful upper body and an understanding of leverage borne from dragon-wrangling. His experience with Norwegian Ridgebacks gives him the strong, violent hands to take on NFL offensive tackles. 

Miami Dolphins: Fenrir Greyback, DE, Slytherin

At his best, he is an explosive, high-motor player of unhuman viciousness. However, as a werewolf, his level of play is dictated by the lunar calendar. Though he may not show up every week, a full moon against New England could change the balance of power in the AFC East. 

New York Jets (from Tampa Bay): George Weasley, SS, Gryffindor

His experience as a bludger makes him a rangy player with a zest for hitting. The Jets will miss LaRon Landry, but Weasley brings similar skills to New York's defensive backfield. 

Carolina Panthers: Fred Weasley, SS, Gryffindor

Identical scouting report to his brother. 

New Orleans Saints: Peter Pettigrew, WR, Gryffindor

A small, shifty player. His willingness to injure opponents simply to please an evil authority figure makes him a fit in the Big Easy. Some scouts believe he is only effective in rat form. 

St. Louis Rams: Tim Tebow, QB, University of Florida

St. Louis passed up on Robert Griffin III last year, but they do secure the most magical player in this draft. 

Pittsburg Steelers: Dudley Dursley, DT, Little Whinging

His wide-body and blue-collar physicality command a premium in a draft which is light on old-school nose guards. Criticisms include poor conditioning, weak football intelligence, and lack of magic powers. Nonetheless, Pittsburg needs to address life after Casey Hampton. 

Dallas Cowboys: Olympe Maxime, TE, Beauxbatons

Never afraid to shake things up, Jerry Jones makes history by drafting the NFL’s first female player. As a half-giantess, she presents a big target for Tony Romo. 

New York Giants: Vincent Crabbe, MLB, Slytherin

The Giants may have finally found a successor to Antonio Pierce in Crabbe. His proficiency with the Cruciatus Curse allows him to dish out serious punishment without incurring helmet-to-helmet penalties. 

Chicago Bears: Draco Malfoy, WR, Slytherin

A competent, but not exceptional talent; his near translucent skin, combined with Chicago’s home whites, will be hard for defenses to track in a Midwestern blizzard. Malfoy is a potential game changer in late season strategy.  

Cincinnati Bengals: Mundungus Fletcher, OG, Order of the Phoenix

A squat, scrappy player with experience in protecting more valuable wizards. His history of petty crime would keep him off most rosters, but Cincinnati has never been shy about taking on players with checkered pasts. 

St. Louis Rams (from Washington): Dementor, DE, Azkaban Prison

The Rams already have a pair of big, physical ends in Chris Long and Michael Brockers, but adding a Dementor gives them a more spectral option. Though sucking out an opposing lineman’s soul constitutes illegal contact,  the Dementor's mere presence can undermine an offense's morale. 

Minnesota Vikings: Neville Longbottom, FS, Gryffindor

As the product of a two-auror household, he has the pedigree to do great things. He has flashed talent at times, but his timid nature has led scouts to question his commitment to football. 

Indianapolis Colts: Gellert Grindewald, LB, Durmstrang

It’s uncertain what role he would play, but being considered ‘One of the Most Dangerous Dark Wizards of All Time’ brings edginess to Indianapolis’ defense which has been missing since Bob Sanders left. 

Seattle Seahawks: Remus Lupin, RB, Gryffindor,

By drafting a werewolf, Seattle adds another halfback capable of ‘Beast Mode.’ 

Green Bay Packers: Alastor Moody, SS, Gryffindor

With the departure of Charles Woodson, Green Bay needs a defensive leader who brings toughness and experience. Moody fits the bill on both these counts, and his ‘Mad Eye’ allows him to literally see the whole field. Another player who would have gone higher if not for health concerns, his number of missing body parts raises questions about his long term durability. 

Houston Texans: Aberforth Dumbledore, QB, Gryffindor

Less magically talented than his brother, but as a bartender he became known for gathering and analyzing information about the opposition. This will serve him well as a scout team quarterback while developing behind Matt Schaub. 

Denver Broncos: Kreacher, RB, Black Household

He has a similar running style to Dobby, which Denver lacks on its current roster. His proud, self-critical attitude is a perfect for a Peyton Manning offense, as is his reverence for pure-blood quarterbacking lineage. 

New England Patriots: Grawp, DT, Forbidden Forest

With the top outside-the-numbers talent off the board, Bill Belichick goes for the best available player. Grawp is a raw mauler with high upside if he can translate his strength into technique. At 16’, he tends to play high in his stance, and some question whether he can grasp NFL defensive concepts. If developed properly, he could be unblockable. 

Atlanta Falcons: Antonin Dolohov, SS, Azkaban Prison

He is old, but old-school when it comes to enforcing. His reliability as a Death Eater should carry over to Atlanta. 

San Francisco 49ers: Fleur Delacour, Cheerleader, Beauxbatons

Her magical powers of seduction are useful for distracting opponents. Always the gamesman, expect Jim Harbaugh to take full advantage as he tries to bring San Francisco back to Super Bowl glory. 

Baltimore Ravens: Gilderoy Lockhart, P, Gryffindor

He doesn’t have any football skills, but no tribute British letters would be complete without Kenneth Branaugh.