A Six-Pack of Thoughts to Open the Sochi Winter Games

1. Our gracious hosts, the Russians, have bad blood with almost every country in these winter games. In fact, I'm pretty sure they've had at least one war of annihilation with 'Independent Olympic Athletes.'

Most knew better than to create a fuss during the Parade of Nations.

Not Germany, whose rainbow uniforms were a clear 'fuck you' to Czar Putin. I assume the Germans' first choice was to outfit their team like this to commemorate the centennial of the Battle of Tannenberg.

However, out of respect to Poland (the battle took place near modern day Olsztyn), they chose to target Putin's disliked and ill-timed reforms against homosexuality.

Stalingrad is not forgotten.


2. Speaking of the Parade of Nations, Tonga won. Check these bad boys out:

The Silver Medal goes to Kazakhstan, both for their sharp outfits, and for managing to send 52 athletes to these games.

The Bronze Medal does not go to Team America, whose Ralph Lauren designed sweaters look like they were knitted by a team of schizophrenic grandmothers.


3. I'm looking forward to visiting Sochi in about 5 years. Nothing spells reasonable rates like an overbuilt Olympic town trying to fill superfluous hotel rooms.


4. The first event I watched was the Men's 5000m Speed Skate. The Dutch swept the medals, while King Willem-Alexander vocally cheered them on. I've never seen royalty show that much enthusiasm. Go Oranje!


5. This is the Olympics I stop making fun of curling. It may not require top-flight athleticism, but it's a quality test of skill, and one of the few real team sports in the Winter Games. 


6. GULAG WATCH!

As the games progress, I'll be assessing which Russians are slated for a parade through Moscow, and which will be banished to a Siberian prison to live out their wretched days.

These games are young, so there hasn't been much chance for heartbreak. Whoever messed this up will be found floating in the Black Sea, but otherwise, there are a few events to watch:

-Figure Skating now has a team category. The Russians are a favorite along with the United States and Canada. In particular, Yulia Lipnitskaya, a 15 year old with a black Soviet heart for victory is creating buzz.

-Russia's Men's Hockey team figures to contend for the Gold Medal. The path will be difficult as Canada and the United States both field strong teams.