But any analyst can tell you about a player's prospective draft position and potential as a professional. Here at Psychoeuphorology Today, we project a player all the way to the grave.
Here is a mock Top-10, told in brief obituaries.
1. Houston Texans: Jadeveon Clowney (February 14, 1993-March 18, 2076)
Former NFL defensive end Jadeveon Clowney died in his sleep in his Charleston, SC home last night at the age of 83; so bringing him the only peace has known since his late teens. Clowney is best remembered as a draft bust of the Houston Texans. Despite his peerless physical talents and deep technical mastery of the position, he never lived up to expectations.
Over the course of a 16-year professional career, he struggled his way to 187 career sacks, while making only 9 All-Pro Teams, and limping to a lone Defensive Player of the Year award in 2019. To cap the disgrace, Clowney was made to wait the standard five years before his induction into the Hall of Fame; only confirming his sheer averagness.
After his playing days, Clowney returned to his native South Carolina, where he served as head football coach of West Ashley High School in Charleston. No doubt motivated to escape their coach's cautionary legacy, West Ashley would go on to win four state championships during Clowney's 35-year tenure.
Jadeveon Clowney is survived by his three children, all of whom refuse to be identified for this piece.
2. St. Louis Rams: Johnny Football (December 6, 1992-February 16, 2028)
Johnny Ballertime Football (born Jonathan Paul Manziel), died from complications of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy today. He was 35. He is remembered as the infamous, Heisman winning quarterback of Texas A&M from 2012-2014, as well as for his bizarre, but effective NFL career.
In a stunning draft day coup, the Seattle Seahawks traded their entire 2014 draft, plus first and second round picks in 2015 to the St. Louis Rams to pick Johnny Football second overall. In an even stranger move, they then packaged him in a three way trade with the Oakland Raiders which sent him to St. Louis.
The gambit worked, as Football (who legally changed his name after the draft), proved to be the perfect fifth column Seattle needed to undermine a budding division rival. In his rookie season, he built a reputation as a mouthy backup whose habit of calling personal press conferences at local strip clubs proved corrosive to team morale.
Given the chance to start in 2015 following the release of Sam Bradford, Football's average arm, erratic mechanics and willingness to force plays that weren't there made him indispensable in Seattle's run to another NFC West title.
Released following the 2016-17 season, Football found his true calling as an Arena League barnstormer, roaming the nation on one game contracts, and deriving most of his income hustling high schoolers at 7-on7.
As his neurological symptoms worsened, he was briefly seen as a poster boy for the dangers of football. Critics of the game pointed to his early dementia, loose inhibitions, and erratic judgement as proof that football was too dangerous for America's young men. However, a review of his medical records, going back to earliest childhood proved he was always kind of like that.
3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Blake Bortles (December 16, 1991-August 4, 2072)
Former Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles died today from a heart attack at age 80. He is best remembered for his unsuccessful stint as the starting quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars from 2014-2017.
At the time he left the University of Central Florida, he was considered by many to have the highest upside of any quarterback prospect in the 2014 NFL draft. He never panned out as a professional, with analysts citing the extreme jump in competition from the American Athletic Conference to NFL as too much for him.
Though he never betrayed his feelings to the public, friends and family attributed deep ennui as the root of his struggles. Leaving Orlando -the cosmopolitan center of American intellectual life- to play a bloodsport in a blue collar backwater never suited him.
Retiring after just four seasons, Bortles returned to Orlando, where he devoted his life to a five volume history of the Great Disney Princes. In his words, "As Plutarch did for the leading men of antiquity, and Vasari for those artists behind the second birth of man; so will I do for the finest rulers of our own day."
The work was unfinished at the time of his death. And written in crayon.
4. Cleveland Browns: Khalil Mack (February 22, 1991-April 9, 2068)
Khalil Mack passed away yesterday due to complications from heart disease.
Highly regarded going into the 2014 Draft, Mack had all the tools to be the next great Cleveland Browns draft bust. Coming out of a small-time program at the University of Buffalo, he put up big numbers against middling competition, and rose up draft boards thanks to the extra month the NFL gave teams to overthink and second-guess their way to ruination.
However, Mack never won over the Cleveland coaches or fans. His solid, mindful style of play, marked by high effort on and off the field jarred a football community used to cozy mediocrity.
He was released by Cleveland after three seasons, and signed with the Pittsburgh Steelers. He was critical in returning that franchise to prominence, highlighting his career with a game-sealing interception in Super Bowl LV.
After his retirement, he spoke fondly of his time in Cleveland saying, "they gave me my first break in the league. Even though things didn't end great, I'll always be in debt to them for picking a kid out of Buffalo fourth overall." This statement stung the people of Cleveland, who hoped for him to reveal some personal failing that would cushion the blow of losing him. To his dying day they yearned for some admission of criminality, or at least racially charged taunting. Something, anything...
5. Oakland Raiders: Sammy Watkins (June 14, 1993-July 30, 2014)
Former Clemson Wide Receiver Sammy Watkins disappeared into the Black Hole today. He was 21.
Though talented and well-liked, with a promising career ahead of him, life dealt a cruel blow when he was taken fifth overall in the NFL Draft by the Oakland Raiders. Despite knowing he only had a few months left on this earth, friends and coaches say he remained upbeat to end; immersing himself in strength and conditioning, as well as position specific drills and film study.
With the commencement of Raiders training camp, he was finally claimed by the little-understood gravitational phenomenon which has disappeared talented football players such as Randy Moss, Darren McFadden, and Charles Woodson.
Though his demise is tragic, physicists speculate there may be hope for Watkins. Through an inobservable boson field known as 'the trade market' a career once lost to the Black Hole can reacquire mass by passing through known wormholes located in New England, Green Bay, Denver, and Seattle.
6. Atlanta Falcons: No selection made. Thomas Dimitroff trades the sixth overall pick, a conditional second-rounder in 2015, plus his soul to Satan, so that Tony Gonzalez may be forever young.
7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mike Evans (August 21, 1993-October 15, 2017)
Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Mike Evans died today, succumbing to wounds suffered from a accidental discharge of Raymond James Stadium's naval artillery.
Since being drafted in 2014, Evans had become an invaluable part of Tampa Bay's offense, where his combination of speed and size made him a constant big-play threat. These talents were on display during Sunday's game against the Carolina Panthers, when he caught the go-ahead touchdown on a difficult back-shoulder throw.
Landing awkwardly on the play, Evans was slow to clear the field. Unaware of this, Captain Fear, Commander of the Buccaneer Cove Surface Squadron ordered a celebratory volley. Evans was struck 7 times by grapeshot from the pirate ship's 32 lbs. carronades. Though no major blood vessels were severed, EMT's were unable to stem the profuse bleeding and vital organ damage. He was pronounced dead on arrival at Royal Tampa Hospital.
In the days since the tragedy, Evans is already being viewed as a martyr for cannon safety in the United States. The Evans family will be donating the remainder of his 2014 salary to the American Federation for Sensible Heavy Ordinance Policy. The group has already renamed a draft of it's controversial cannon control legislation 'Mike's Law;' and would restrict civilian sales of antique artillery to culverins and demi-culverins.
8. Minnesota Vikings: Jimmy Garroppolo (November 2, 1991-May 17, 2055)
Jimmy Garroppolo died in a single car traffic accident last evening. He was 63 years old.
He is fondly remembered as the former quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. Holding the eighth pick of the 2014 draft, the Vikings had several options to choose from. However, General Manager Rick Spielman happened to see Garroppolo's episode of Gruden's QB Camp, in which the beloved broadcaster referred to him as 'the Italian Stallion.' Enamored of the nickname, Spielman had his man.
Over the course of his playing career, Garroppolo would live up to his fictitious nick-namesake. At least the part about taking savage beatings, and retiring due to brain damage.
9. Buffalo Bills: Jake Matthews (February 11, 1992-April 17, 2080)
Jake Matthews died after a short battle with pancreatic cancer at the age of 88. I think he was Clay's brother or something... Anyways, no seems to have much to say about him, so he must have been a pretty good left tackle.
10. Detroit Lions: Yoshi (November 21, 1990-January 18, 2019)
Beloved Nintendo character Yoshi died suddenly yesterday at the age of 28. He was best known for his appearances with the Super Mario, Mario Kart, Super Smash Brothers, and Detroit Lions franchises.
Bored and unfulfilled in his other competitive endeavors, Yoshi entered the NFL Draft in 2014. Having spent years acquiring Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, and Reggie Bush, the Lions took Yoshi 10th overall to complete their video game offense.
Yoshi's flutter jump, and sticky prehensile tongue made him an impossible cover for human defensive backs. Though the Lions never won a Super Bowl, they did set several high scores.
Though cause of death is not yet established, it is believed to have been caused by a poisoned melon.
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