Skittlebrau: My Contribution to Simpsonology

As we press forward into a brave new year, my first 2015 post will ground us in the best of what has come before.

November 9, 1997 was the original air date for Bart Star, an episode of The Simpsons detailing Homer and Bart's misadventures in youth football (with the help of guest star Joe Namath). A classic, but if nothing else, you remember the episode for this scene.

Back in the show's heyday, these thunderclaps of inspiration were common. Now, in a world where Sleepy Hollow gets picked up for a second season, we are left to cherish them like the last berries of a golden summer.


To pay tribute, I recreated Skittlebrau. For the beer, I chose Hofbrau Munchen for it's crisp grain-driven flavor. I was concerned that a hoppy or sugar heavy beer would clash with the industrial sweetness of the Skittles.

As it turns out, I had nothing to worry about. The flavor from the Skittles doesn't leach into the beer. The candy also sinks, rather than floats. However, it does cause the beer to foam dramatically. Before I dropped the Skittles, the beer's head was just below the rim of the glass. Compare that to the picture below.

Amusing, but the most compelling discovery was the chaser that came from 'drinking' the Skittles at the bottom of the glass. For this reason, Skittles are better added to harsh hard liquor (cheap vodka!). Skittle Shots can be a fun, and gender-neutral substitute for syrupy liqueurs or frilly cocktails. 

 

 

 

Making Cheap Vodka Better with a Brita Filter: It Kinda Works

Recently I heard an urban legend that terrible vodka could be improved by running it through a household water filter. The concept is that top-shelf vodkas are filtered through activated charcoal, which is the same process a Brita pitcher uses. 

This seemed like a fun experiment, so I got to work. First I investigated online. The consensus was that a single filtration made little difference. However, those who filtered multiple times were rewarded with better vodka.

In light of the anecdotal evidence, I was willing to subject the claim to my own trials. I purchased 500 mL of the cheapest vodka in the Wal-Mart liquor store, as well as a mini-bottle of Ketel One.

First I drank the Ketel One to establish a tasting profile for 'good' vodka.

Tasting Notes: Nosing contained slight hints of grain and fresh grass. Taste was neutral. Medium viscosity that coats the tongue. Smooth finish.

No surprises with the high-end brand. Chill it down, wave it at France, and enjoy your martini season.

Next up was Karkov brand. It comes from St. Paul, MN... In a mouthwash bottle.

Tasting Notes: Fucking hostile. I was wincing before the glass reached by lips. I choked it down and shuddered.

Any improvement would be a welcome result.

I poured the remaining vodka through my Brita pitcher. I emptied the pitcher into a Tupperware bowl, and repeated four times, for a total of five filtrations.

The result: Much better. The unfiltered vodka had a harsh industrial taste which demanded strong mixers. The filtered vodka was inoffensive and drinkable. It did not have Ketel One's subtle aromas, nor the warming finish which makes great spirits just that.

The biggest difference was consistency. The filtered vodka was thin and watery. I didn't have the satisfying viscosity of the Ketel One, which is why I do not recommend it for serving Russian diplomats.

However, the filtered spirit was a clear improvement over its original form. It's ideal use is wherever cheap vodka would be called for, namely sugary cocktails made in huge quantities.

All things considered, a successful experiment. 

The Wal-Mart Challenge: Beef Bourguignon a la Sam's Choice

I'm always trying to eat well for less. With that in mind, I've created the Wal-Mart Challenge, whereby I make classic dishes using only ingredients purchased at Wal-Mart. This weekend I attempted a personal favorite: Beef Bourguignon.

After the omelette, this may be the best known standard of French cuisine. What better test of the Wal-Mart pantry, as well as my own skill?   

The recipe:

-1/4 lb. sliced bacon
-2 1/2 lb. chuck roast
-Sea Salt
-2 shallots, roughly chopped
-1/2 cup dry red wine
-2 cups beef broth
-6 button mushrooms, sliced
-1 tsp. dried oregano
-1 tsp. dried thyme
-2 tsp. dried tarragon
-1 tsp. coarse ground black pepper

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Arrange the bacon in a single layer on a baking sheet lined with aluminum foil. Bake 10-12 minutes. Crumble the bacon and reserve the grease.

While the bacon is cooking, cut the roast into 1 1/2 inch cubes. Pat dry with paper towel then sprinkle with sea salt. Let the beef sit 20 minutes at room temperature. Pour the reserved bacon grease into a 12 inch cast iron skillet. Heat the skillet to medium-high, then add the beef in batches, so as not to overcrowd the pan (no pieces should touch). Brown the beef, then remove from the skillet.

Lower the stove to medium and add the shallots. Cook until translucent. Add the wine, and cook for another minute. Add the browned beef and the broth. Raise the temperature to high. Once boiling, stir for one minute, then lower to a gentle simmer.

Add the mushrooms, oregano, thyme, tarragon, and black pepper. Cover and cook for 2 hours.

The Result: Decent.

It would have been better had I trusted my ingredients. I assumed my $4 wine would suck, so I added too little relative to the broth. Like most store-bought broths, this one was very salty. In the future, I will take the traditional route and make my braising liquid mostly wine.

However, like all beef stews, this one made for good leftovers. In the United States, Beef Bourguinon is often served egg noodles. I choose a different starch and added left over brown Basmati rice. The brown Basmati is a hearty and flavorful grain which held up to the beef while soaking up the salt. All together, a solid and encouraging outcome.

In the end, this Challenge reflected the strength of French cuisine. Sound technique and systematic decision making made decent ingredients better than they were. The greater test of the Wal-Mart grocery will be Italian cooking, which emphasizes quality ingredients over preparation.

Next up : Cacio e Pepe.   

Deconstructing Derek Jeter's Lameness: A Holistic Perspective

Derek Jeter's career is finally over.

He leaves the game as a banjo-hitting shortstop with negative defensive value on a team that missed the playoffs for a second straight season. His greatest moments happened more than a decade ago. In the last five years, his primary impact on the Yankees has been to block or limit the playing time of their best infield prospects.

So much for going out on top.

The breakdown of Derek Jeter's legacy is already underway. His Hall of Fame case is ironclad, but debate rages on where he stacks up among his contemporaries, as well as past greats.

Informed opinion has never considered Jeter a candidate for greatest shortstop of all time. For the foreseeable future, Honus Wagner will continue to hold that distinction. Even the most sentimental Yankees fans don't regard him the same strata as Ruth, Gehrig, Mantle, or DiMaggio.

As for where he rates among players of the past 20 years, his zero MVP's bear testament to the superiority of Pujols, Bonds, and even... A-Rod. 

In the wake of his sappy farewell tour, It's time to rip The Captain apart point by point.

1. He wasn't as good a player as he's made out to be. 

Here, Keith Olberman summarizes the pure baseball arguments against Derek Jeter's status as an all-timer:

The main flaws in Jeter's game:

-His 3,000+ hits will get him into Cooperstown, but it doesn't change that fact that he was a one-dimensional offensive player. He was very good at slapping opposite field singles. For a time, he was even a useful base stealer. In the end, he grades out as a 1/3-tool player.

-He was probably one of the worst defensive players ever. At shortstop, his sloppy fundamentals, and limited range negated many of the runs he produced at the plate.

-Despite his poor defense, he chronically refused to do the right thing and change positions, even with much better options on the roster. 

2. Jeter's 'clutch' reputation is dubious.

-Despite his reputation as a 'clutch' player, most of his great postseason moments are clustered in the first five years of his career. Where was Jeter's 'clutchness' when the Yankees of the 2000's were languishing through years of early playoff exits?

His 'Mr. November' home run has been replayed ad naseum in recent days, but New York lost that World Series. They lost less than two months after September 11th. With an opportunity to help heal a devastated city, The Captain was key in helping the Yankees blow a lead in the 9th inning of Game 7.

Jeter had his opportunity to stem the Arizona rally when Mariano Rivera made an errant throw to second on a bunt. A 'clutch' player would have been able to field the ball for an out, but instead, Jeter was tangled by the runner. The ball passed into center field, and into legend. It would have taken a great play to make that out, but isn't that what Jeter was supposed to provide in the biggest moments?

Taking a broader view, consider his career numbers.

As his only above average skill was hitting for contact, batting average is useful metric to measure his overall 'clutchness.' His postseason batting average of .308 is essentially the same as his .310 career average. In fact, it's probably propped up by missing the playoffs in his last two seasons, when he limped through age and injuries to hit a combined .223 in the regular season.

For all his late-90's highlights, Jeter was the same player at any point in the calendar.


3. Jeter is not the classiest man alive.

To be clear, I think he's a nice guy. However, the arguments that pin him as the embodiment of 'class' and 'doing things the right way' are overstated. These labels are given with the subtext that, 'he's not Alex Rodriguez.'

Context matters. The Yankees are notorious for stocking their roster with unlikable late-career mercenaries. The high salaries and diminishing (often illegally enhanced) play of men like Rodriguez and Roger Clemens only shone a light on Jeter as a positive, high-character individual.

I don't buy it. Just because he isn't a complete asshole, it doesn't make him the second coming of Roberto Clemente.

The Yankees have been a splintered and under performing team since the 2009 World Series. For years now, Alex Rodriguez has hijacked the teams headlines. Robinson Cano was scapegoated for the team's failures despite being its best player, by far. Big-name free agents like Brian McCann and Jacoby Ellsbury have had rough seasons, leading many to question the team's focus and motivation.

If only there were some sage clubhouse figure with the clout and reputation to inspire his team in the dugout while having it's back in the press room...

Not anymore though. Not after 20 years as the poor man's Chipper Jones.

My Brain is Still Cloudy, But I Did Finally Finish a Song. Click Here to Listen

In anticipation of my move to the High Plains, I started working on a cover of a Bob Wills song called 'Brain Cloudy Blues.' Some of you will recognize it as a slight reworking of Wills' standard 'Milk Cow Blues.' I prefer the first verse in 'Brain Cloudy' so I covered it.

I've had this one sitting on my hard drive for a few weeks now. I wasn't satisfied with the quality of the takes or the arrangement. Then again, I never am, so there's no reason to wait any longer.

Of course the track doesn't sound great. It was arranged and recorded whenever I had a minute, using a laptop microphone and whatever gear was handy. The key doesn't suit my voice, nor do I have a deep background in Western Swing.

So what? Excuses are for rich women on diets.

It's time to cut myself a break and release it here and now. Here's the URL.

https://soundcloud.com/honkytonkhero88/brain-cloudy-blues

It was while producing this song that I realized, 'Adam Levine wakes up every morning with no reservations about singing in public. Therefore, I have no reason to doubt myself.'

My biggest takeaway is that singing is a confidence game. The history of pop music is littered with those with 'bad' voices or limited technique who still succeed.

Consider one great singer from the past century. She had a brittle vocal tone which only wore down with age. She had no range, poor projection, and a raspy Baltimore accent. Her name was Billie Holiday.

For a contemporary example, consider Sam Smith's American debut on Saturday Night Live. When I saw it, I first thought, "It's cruel that they put Annie Lennox's addled eunuch butler up there to make an ass of himself."

I still think he sings like an emphysemic duck, but I've come to realize how others could overlook this. He makes his voice work for him and his material. His strained phrasing feeds in to his Sad Girl persona, and builds him up as Lana Del Ray with (maybe) balls. Anyways...

In the final assessment:

What I did well:

-The intro is solid. It was fun to write and record, and I think that comes through.
-Everything is generally in time.
-The vocal track is more confident (insomuch as it's less pensive) than my earlier efforts.

Things to improve on:

-The guitar solo should be tweaked. The first few bars were an attempt at dissonance that just ended up sounding out of key. My guitar parts on the last verse are a more successful experiment with this idea. I also should have been more patient and gone for a cleaner take.
-I need to mind my tuning more carefully.
-I will experiment with recording environments. I'm still figuring out the best acoustic setups in my apartment. In particular, my acoustic guitar parts suffer from bad setup. 

My Take on Welsh Rarebit: Add Fried Pickles!

I'm always on the lookout for quick, easy, delicious recipes, and the Season 2 finale of Mind of a Chef (now on Netflix), was a treasure trove. In particular, April Bloomfield's take on Welsh Rarebit, commanded several viewings.

The dish consists of mornay on toast. Despite its ubiquity in Britain, it has always been obscure in the United States. Though delicious, I think its longer preparation time (about 10 minutes), and inconvenient open-faced presentation have prevented it from reaching the popularity of our own grilled cheese.

Having never tasted Welsh Rarebit, I decided to give it a shot. Rather than follow the video above exactly, I rethought the dish/cleaned out my fridge. Here is what I came up with:

 

Welsh Rarebit Americano

For Sauce
- 3 T all-purpose flour
- 3 T unsalted butter
- 6 oz. Samuel Adams Cream Stout
- 3 oz. shredded cheddar cheese
- 2 T Worchestershire Sauce
- 1 T brown mustard
- Salt, pepper, and cayenne to taste

For Pickels
-3 slices of kosher dill pickles
-1/2 cup cornstarch
-1/8 cup all-purpose flour
- 1 tsp salt
- 5 grinds of fresh black pepper
- 1 tsp cayenne
- Canola oil

- You will also need two slices of white bread.

1) In a shallow dish, combine the cornstarch, flour, salt, pepper, and cayenne. Pat the pickles slices dry with a paper towel, then dredge in the cornstarch mixture. Be sure to cover the entire surface. Place the slices on a plate, until there are no dry spots left on the mixture. Then repeat.

While the second dredging is sitting, heat canola oil in a shallow, non-stick pan to a medium-high heat. The amount of oil will vary by pan, but it should coat the entire bottom and be no more than 1/4 inch deep. Once the oil is at temperature, place the pickle slices in the pan. Be sure not to crowd the pan. This means that the spatter from each slice should not contact any of the others. Fry on each side until a light golden-brown. This takes about three minutes per side.

Once the coating is golden-brown all over, remove from the oil, and dry on paper towels. Set the pickles aside at room temperature.

2)  Preheat an oven to 400 degrees.

In a 10" cast iron skillet, melt the butter over medium heat. Once melted, reduce to low, and mix in the flour, stirring until it is fully incorporated. Be careful not to burn it. Next, pour in the beer, and stir until the flour/butter mixture is fully incorporated. Next add, the cheese, stirring constantly until it is fully melted into the sauce. Add the Worchestershire Sauce, mustard, salt, pepper, and cayenne. Stir them in, then turn off the heat.

3) Toast two slices of white bread until dry on the outside, but not yet brown. Once toasted, spoon the sauce over the toast, and spread it until it covers the entire bread. Place the toast in the oven until the cheese sauce bubbles. Finish by placing the fried pickles on one slice, and placing the other on top to make a sandwich. Cut in half and serve.
 
My result was pretty good. Here is the cross-sectional view

What I did well

-Though April Bloomfield uses Guiness, I used the Samuel Adams Cream Stout. It has a sweeter, darker flavor profile (It reminds me of an Porter as much as a Stout) which cuts through the heavy ingredients.

-The pickles were spot on with regards to flavor and textural contrast.  

Where I can improve

- My sauce fundamentals were sloppy. Though still delicious, my sauce was a little thick and slightly overcooked. The butter and flour in a roux should be equal by weight, not volume, but I don't have a scale. If you don't either, it isn't worth fretting; unless you don't want the Ghost of Escoffier haunting your dreams.

- The bread was an overlooked component. This time, I used regular, grocery store sliced bread. In the future I will use a heartier, fresher bread. Also, it should be cut thick to accommodate the dense sandwich filling.   

A Tidy Photo-Scrapbook From the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

I recently completed my relocation from the great state of Connecticut to the kind of lame but economically viable state of North Dakota. It was a two day road trip that rates as one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. Having already completed this trip (and its constituent legs) before, there was nothing novel or interesting about 48 hours of driving through boring places, sleeping at rest stops, living on fast food and granola bars, and crackly FM radio.

Anticipating this, I scheduled a detour to Cleveland to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I had never been to Cleveland, but Lebron James thought it was worth a second chance. I decided to give it a first.

To better learn the city in limited time, I took the side streets from the highway (i.e. I got lost a lot). In this way I learned that Cleveland does not rock. Lebron went back because he is the Coolest of Kids, and wherever he sits is the Cool Kid's Table. Northeast Ohio may be his home, but now it is his personal fiefdom as well. I enjoyed the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but only go if you have some other reason to be in Cleveland.

With that in mind here my some of my favorite moments from the Hall of Fame:

My trip really began with a stop in Youngstown, Ohio for ice cream at Handel's. It's a mini-chain scattered from Illinois to Pennsylvania. Whenever I pass through, I stop at the original store just off Exit 229 on I-80. The ice cream is fresh and flavorful, with a custard-like texture. The caramel chocolate malt is the best ice cream I have ever had. This time I also tried strawberry, which was tremendous. Here it is being modeled by Michelle. She's the real rock star of this piece.

Here is the Handel's storefront. It hasn't changed since the first time I visited 12 years ago. What has changed is the neighborhood. When I first visited in 2002, Handel's was an oasis on a shuttered and crumbling road. Today it looks like an unremarkable commercial strip. Good for Youngstown.

One of the first exhibits in the Hall of Fame commemorates the great bluesmen. On display are guitars owned by greats such as John Lee Hooker, Freddie King, Robert Lockwood, Jr., and Elmore James. My personal favorite is Muddy Water's '58 Telecaster pictured here. Like other vintage Tele's this one has taken a pounding, yet looks good for many more.

The Hall of Fame also has extensive displays of performance apparel. This includes suits worn in performance by Hank Williams, and Bill Monroe, numerous James Brown jumpsuits, elaborate dresses worn by singers from Etta James to Beyonce, and even John Lennon's Sgt. Pepper's uniform.

This is a hand-tooled leather belt owned by Buddy Holly. It looks awesome yet it wasn't meant to be seen under his jacket. In keeping with his muted, nerdy look, Buddy wore his coolest accessory discreetly.

Though critical in the history of rock, Jimi Hendrix doesn't make for the best museum exhibit. His portion of the Hall is mostly occupied by stage outfits he wore. They are interesting as a whole, but there is no one piece of special importance.

Similarly, his guitars are not of great interest. Though a tremendous player, he plowed through dozens of Stratocasters and other guitars throughout his career. Thus, no one instrument takes on critical importance. This custom painted '67 Gibson Flying V is Jimi's most distinctive guitar, and his most copied. Though rarely played, it captures his fiery individualism better than any other tangible artifact. 

This is Duane Allman's '58 Les Paul in a faded tobacco sunburst. Nicknamed Hot 'Lanta, it was used extensively in the last several months of his life, and features on the album Eat a Peach. Duane acquired it through singer-songwriter Christopher Cross, which almost makes up for every time I've heard Sailing.

Though partial to Fender's during his session career, by the beginning of the Allman Brothers Band Duane had switched to vintage Gibson's, and put together a remarkable collection of late 50's and early 60's Les Pauls and SG's. Today they would be worth seven-figures, even if they didn't belong to the guy who did this.

On the back of the guitar, 'Duane' has been inlaid in used frets. This was done by the Allman Brother's road crew after Duane's death. 

These are Dickey Bett's hand written lyrics to the song 'Blue Sky' from the Eat a Peach album. The Allman Brothers (or their estates) have been very generous in allowing the Hall of Fame to display their historic memorabilia. I could have done a whole post on them.

 

This is Bootsy Collins' Fender Jazz Bass, which, after heavy modification became his famed 'Space Bass.' This is arguably the single funkiest instrument in existence. It was originally purchased for use during his time with James Brown. You can hear it on cuts such as 'Sex Machine,' 'Superbad,' and 'Talking Loud and Sayin' Nothing.'

Throughout the 70's, this bass was the driving engine behind the P-Funk Mothership, powering albums such as The Clones of Dr. Funkenstein, Mothership Connection, and Uncle Jam Wants You. 

This is the original control room from Sun Studios. Featured here is some of the equipment used in some of the foundational recordings of Rock and Roll. Not squeezed into the frame is the studio's piano. Although visually indistinct, it proved powerful and responsive to the touch of Jerry Lee Lewis.

This may be the most expensive two-guitar collection on the planet. Both these instruments are 1959 Les Pauls, which go for about $250,000. The one on the left belonged to Gary Rossington of Lynyrd Skynyrd, and was his primary guitar in the band's heyday (It was used for the bottleneck part on 'Freebird'). The one on the right is one of Duane Allman's. This particular one can be heard on the At Fillmore East live album.