New NFL Vintage Concepts and Other Thoughts

The 2015 NFL season is one week old. The summer was productive in that the league resolved its showcase scandal before kickoff. Deflategate was embarrassing, but unlike the Ray Rice case, it didn't bleed into the games.

For the NFL, it's really time for football. Which means it's time to monetize!

Though the league annually rolls out new officially licensed team apparel, I think it leaves money on the table by not expanding its vintage line. Not throwback logos. Real vintage gear. Before the league mandated all sideline personnel to wear stuff from the catalogue, it had a rich fashion history.

The NFL owns the sporting public's attention around Christmas, making it well-positioned to offer classic looks at prices only a commissioner could afford.

What Chicago Bears fan wouldn't pay more for the Halas collection?

It's sharp. Just like Tom Landry's hat, which will sell out before Halloween at a price of $799.99. $tampede!

The league already experiments with this concept. For just $74.95 you can get a hoodie just like Bill Belichick's!

Other thoughts:

-I don't understand Washington's humiliation of Robert Griffin III. Rather than trade or release him, they choose incremental demotions. By the end of training camp, he was the second-string quarterback. Before Sunday's loss to Miami, he was inactive and had taken scout team reps at safety. As a pure football move, his inexperience makes it hard for him to give the team a good look, and easy for him to get hurt again. The team's approach seems petty and personal.

The trade market will be thin now that his current team values him like an undrafted player. The right move is to release him and use that roster spot on a real backup safety.

RGIII has a future and Kansas City is a good fit. Griffin's combination of accuracy and mobility make him the high-upside version of Alex Smith that could take the Chiefs into serious contention. In light of his work resuscitating the careers of Smith and Michael Vick, Andy Reid may be the best coach for him.

-I'm excited for the Ryan Mallett era in Houston. Having watched him in New England, the arm talent is for real, but so are his struggles on touch throws. Starters' practice reps should help iron those out. As a 27 year-old in his fifth season, his moment is now.

I'm impressed by Houston's short leash with Brian Hoyer. Conservative coaches would have left 'the savvy veteran who knows what it takes in this league' in for several games, but Bill O'Brien and Co. are actually committed to winning now. Mallett may fail, but he has the tools to be a long-term starter, whereas Hoyer is a high-end backup.

-In a similar vein, Rex Ryan's decision to start Tyrod Taylor is even more impressive. Athletic projects like Taylor are rarely worth a draft pick, but Baltimore did a fine job turning a sixth-rounder into a serviceable quarterback. Now Buffalo is reaping the rewards. His real ceiling (or floor) is unclear, but foregoing known mediocrities Matt Cassel and EJ Manuel makes the Bills real challengers to New England for the AFC East.

-Speaking of Matt Cassel, he is now in his 11th professional season. After not starting a game at USC, he has 71 NFL starts. That is more than twice as many as Matt Leinart. Since 2005, he has never been out of work during the regular season. Well done!

Anticipating the World's Next Great Food City

In 2011 elBulli closed as a restaurant, and the world lost Catalonia as its capital of culinary cool, with Barcelona serving as its administrative center.

Since then Copenhagen has taken over. Combining the bold artifice of the Barcelona school with the Throw Some Nature On A Plate approach of the farm-to-table crowd, restaurants like Noma and Amass have made the Danish capital the world's capital for culinary cool.

But for how long?

Fine dining has always been trendy, but now more than ever. Through the internet, social media, and Netflix food porn shows, it is now possible for a restaurant to build a greater reputation through fewer actual diners than ever. With this in mind, anticipating new trends is more important than dwelling on current ones.

So what will be the next great fine dining city? My guess is Lisbon, Portugal. The primary reason:

What do you know about Lisbon?

Trendy food spots are always built on some level of general ignorance. How much does the average American know about Copenhagen or Barcelona? What about Denmark or Spain generally? Both countries have a relatively small immigrant population in North America. Neither country has a dish that is commonly made in American homes.

Unlike countries like France or Italy, which have highly formalized culinary traditions, chefs in obscure locales have more leeway to be inventive. Also, when the dining public knows nothing about your city, you can shape their entire opinion with just a TV spot.

Lisbon is the forgotten capital of an irrelevant country. Most American mentions of Portuguese culture are in oblique reference to Brazil. It's also a historic Atlantic port untouched by the World Wars. It still carries mystique as the center of a once great empire... It has a good soccer team?

The point is that Lisbon can be anything an enterprising chef wants it to be. And that's all you need for a great food city.

An Obituary for Baseball

People think social criticism is easy.

It's not. It takes a Commitment to Excellence to separate from every other internet hack with his finger of the Pulse of America. 

Writing fundamentals matter. The best form of practice is to work on The Standards. By this, I mean tackling classic subjects with an eye towards technique rather than originality. 

All creative disciplines have Standards. Every jazz musician can play Autumn Leaves and I've Got Rhythym. Every painter has done a still life of a fruit bowl. Every French chef can make an omelette. 

In social criticism, the Death of Baseball is fun and timeless. Each author makes it his own while staying within these guidelines:

1) Baseball is either dead or terminally ill. There can be no recovery. 

2) This demise is symptomatic of deeper social ills.

3) The tone is self-righteous.

4) Providing evidence to make your case is discouraged. 

With this in mind, I give you The Death of Baseball. 

Last Sunday, four men entered the Baseball Hall of Fame, or should I say, the Sarcophagus of the Great American Pastime. Yes, it's true that baseball is dead in the United States. In the past, writers blamed the younger generation. They saw baseball as a mature, cerebral, and detailed game that flew over the heads of addled youngsters. They were wrong. In fact, it's the older generations that have killed baseball. 

Let's start with the game's mortal wound: PED's. Nothing is more symptomatic of the deep spiritual rot of the Post-War America. While steroid and HGH use spiked from the mid-1980's on, we must not forget the rampant amphetamine use of 'greats' like Willie Mays and Hank Aaron. Baseball writers cry crocodile tears over the tainted Home Run Race of 1998, while waxing nostalgic over that of 1961. Remember? That was the one Mickey Mantle lost due to an abscess from a steroid injection. 

The real tragedy isn't the health risks these players took on. Rather, they cheapened the consummate team game into an exhibition of statistical vanity. The fallout can be seen on major league rosters today, as players such as Alex Rodriguez and David Ortiz, play on solely for money and a chance to climb the all-time home run list. Without a care for how their diminished skills hurt their teams, they slug away, landing another blow on the Dead Horse of Baseball with every lumbering trot around the bases. 

Ty Cobb and Honus Wagner never cared about counting stats or home run lists. They played to win. That used to be the only thing this country knew how to do. 

Nowadays, the game is practically played by stat crunchers. SABR, that glorified consortium of amateur accountants continues its crusade against the last noble outpost of pre-industrial life. The modern player is no longer a man, but a string of digits. No wonder players were so willing to pump their bodies full of dangerous supplements. What does it matter to something so unhuman?

They may be able to quantify the sound of a bat cracking on a ball, but not the way it makes the hair stand up on a young boy's arm. They can track a center fielder as he chases a fly ball, but what of the way fresh cut grass supports yet yields to his cleat?

The game has ceased to be human. It is like a fresh corpse after a long illness; bearing a passing resemblance to something once vibrant but wasted by its struggle. 

The Lovecraftian Horrorscape in Light of the Most Recent Science

The images of Pluto from NASA's New Horizons mission have been the buzz of the scientific community. Among the data, we now have the best images yet of the Cthulhu Regio. This is an exciting development that gives fresh insight into the pre-Earthern existence of the Great Old One.

The midnight hued Regio is dated to 1 billion years old, consistent with the accepted dates of the struggle between Cthulhu and the Elder Things prior to his entombment in the sunken city of R'yleh. The dark hydrocarbon layer that covers the Regio is likely fallout from this ancient battle. Furthermore, the heavy cratering indicates this was an area of intense bombardment, perhaps a critical urban center similar to that reported by Danforth in Antarctica. 

Beyond the scientific community, these interpretations face criticism. Human worshipers of Chtulhu place the age of R'yleh at vigntillions of years; a number inconsistent with the age of the Earth. Furthermore, mad philosophers drawing on the Necronomicon identify Chtulhu and his extraterrestrial followers as 'star spawn,' indicating origin beyond the solar system. However, hierolinguists of the pre-galactic period are in agreement that this phrase reflects the Old Ones limited understanding of Chtulhu's true origin, and should not be interpreted literally.   

Though the photographic evidence provides a critical window into life before humanity, a new project in Antarctica looks to bring terrestrial geology into the picture. A team of scientists at Columbia University is organizing a drilling expedition to recover samples of the Gamburtsev Mountains. Set thousands of feet beneath the surface ice of Antarctica, the Gamburtsev's are an ever-young mountain range comparable to the Alps. At 1 billion years old, and well-preserved beneath the barren snows, the Gamburtsev's present the best opportunity to recover an intact specimen of an Old One. Of course, there is always the strong possibility of unleashing something of such timeless evil as to make humanity to rue its very existence and pray for a quick return to lifeless star dust. 

My Idea for the $10 bill: Get Rid of People Altogether.

The United States Treasury has announced that the next redesign of the $10 bill will feature the portrait of a woman, while relegating Alexander Hamilton to a lesser position. The female to be pictured is still undetermined but will be announced later this year.

I'm not a fan of the move. For better or worse, Alexander Hamilton is one of the the most important financial figures in US history and on these grounds alone deserves prominence on American currency.

Fortunately, there's a better way. Taking inspiration from America's most iconic coinage, it's time we scrap individual portraits altogether. Just reacquaint yourself with pieces like the buffalo nickel, or the St. Gaudens Double Eagle and tell me the world's premier currency should serve as a flavor-of-the-month personal tribute (Yes, I know those coins have 'people' on them, but they are not anyone in particular. The Indian head is a composite sketch, while the Double Eagle features a 'Lady Liberty').

Consider James Earle Fraser's concept for the buffalo nickel,

Well, when I was asked to do a nickel, I felt I wanted to do something totally American—a coin that could not be mistaken for any other country's coin. It occurred to me that the buffalo, as part of our western background, was 100% American, and that our North American Indian fitted into the picture perfectly

As we rethink the $10 note, it's worth keeping this attitude. For example:

This image of the Montana Rockies is understated, elegant, and leaves room in the sky and foreground for necessary lettering. With this image, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew should use the crosshatched shadows of the foothills to hide his signature. That's the sort of discreet touch that makes for a classic bill. 

While we're tapping into our natural heritage...

The wild turkey has never been used on currency, and it's a shame. As a herd animal that relies on its pack as well as its own vigilance for protection, the turkey is an excellent symbol of national solidarity. It's positive symbolism and majestic bearing make it worthy of US legal tender. 

Either of these designs are purely American. They cannot be mistaken for any other countries currency. They are timeless, and subvert the controversies that come with any great person. 

But if gender balance is your biggest consideration for currency design, there's a solution. Move to Canada.

Behind the Scenes of the World's Largest Snickers Bar

Last week I cemented my place as a Great American when turned a 10 lb. box of generic 'Snickers' crumbles into an Eighth Wonder of the World. Here is how it went down.

First, I poured out the crumbles onto parchment paper. Then, I hand-formed them into compressed bars.

Each finished Snickers has two bars of compressed crumbles bound by caramel studded with crushed peanuts. When assembled, it looks like this:

The chocolate is tempered and ready to go.

Before the bars are ready for coating, they must undergo a final hand-shaping to ensure consistent dimensions. Chocolate doesn't lie. As it cascades over the bar, it highlights any defect in worksmanship.

First, I coat the bottom by spreading a layer of chocolate on the parchment, and letting the bar set in it. Once dry, it looks like this.

Now chocolate is poured over the bars until they are completely covered. The first attempt is never perfect. The tops of these are a little messy, but after a few repetitions, I will find the right pattern.

There you have it. Until next time, keep dreaming big!

Uplifting the Underpriviledged Children Through Tech Jargon

Every now and again I have a great idea. Most are too elegant to work, but this time, I've figured out how to give underprivileged children a leg up in society.

Education is key to a child's future. The problem is what to teach them. Rather than focus on useful skills, I think intangible qualities are most important.

Today's kids need irrational confidence and a bloated lexicon to match. With these, they will be able to craft the veneer of insight needed to make it as...

CONSULTANTS!!!

Consider this:

According to the Bureau of Labor, the median wage of a computer programmer is $76,140 per year. That's a good living until you stack it up against the $97,199 (per www.glassdoor.com) that the average technology consultant makes.

Now is the time to eliminate pointless educational initiatives; especially when so many inner-city high schoolers are still recontextualizing business-facing multi-platform datavation synergetics at a Web 1.0 level.

Rather than learn English, they should learn to speak in six-syllable words.

Rather than learn to count they should learn how to get their suits tailored.

Rather than teach them valuable lessons to nowhere, they need to learn how to bluster through two hour conference presentation without saying anything.

Furthermore, consider the impact on the marketplace. By flooding the world with surplus consultants, we may actually bring their price down.

But probably not. So much for elegance.