New NFL Vintage Concepts and Other Thoughts

The 2015 NFL season is one week old. The summer was productive in that the league resolved its showcase scandal before kickoff. Deflategate was embarrassing, but unlike the Ray Rice case, it didn't bleed into the games.

For the NFL, it's really time for football. Which means it's time to monetize!

Though the league annually rolls out new officially licensed team apparel, I think it leaves money on the table by not expanding its vintage line. Not throwback logos. Real vintage gear. Before the league mandated all sideline personnel to wear stuff from the catalogue, it had a rich fashion history.

The NFL owns the sporting public's attention around Christmas, making it well-positioned to offer classic looks at prices only a commissioner could afford.

What Chicago Bears fan wouldn't pay more for the Halas collection?

It's sharp. Just like Tom Landry's hat, which will sell out before Halloween at a price of $799.99. $tampede!

The league already experiments with this concept. For just $74.95 you can get a hoodie just like Bill Belichick's!

Other thoughts:

-I don't understand Washington's humiliation of Robert Griffin III. Rather than trade or release him, they choose incremental demotions. By the end of training camp, he was the second-string quarterback. Before Sunday's loss to Miami, he was inactive and had taken scout team reps at safety. As a pure football move, his inexperience makes it hard for him to give the team a good look, and easy for him to get hurt again. The team's approach seems petty and personal.

The trade market will be thin now that his current team values him like an undrafted player. The right move is to release him and use that roster spot on a real backup safety.

RGIII has a future and Kansas City is a good fit. Griffin's combination of accuracy and mobility make him the high-upside version of Alex Smith that could take the Chiefs into serious contention. In light of his work resuscitating the careers of Smith and Michael Vick, Andy Reid may be the best coach for him.

-I'm excited for the Ryan Mallett era in Houston. Having watched him in New England, the arm talent is for real, but so are his struggles on touch throws. Starters' practice reps should help iron those out. As a 27 year-old in his fifth season, his moment is now.

I'm impressed by Houston's short leash with Brian Hoyer. Conservative coaches would have left 'the savvy veteran who knows what it takes in this league' in for several games, but Bill O'Brien and Co. are actually committed to winning now. Mallett may fail, but he has the tools to be a long-term starter, whereas Hoyer is a high-end backup.

-In a similar vein, Rex Ryan's decision to start Tyrod Taylor is even more impressive. Athletic projects like Taylor are rarely worth a draft pick, but Baltimore did a fine job turning a sixth-rounder into a serviceable quarterback. Now Buffalo is reaping the rewards. His real ceiling (or floor) is unclear, but foregoing known mediocrities Matt Cassel and EJ Manuel makes the Bills real challengers to New England for the AFC East.

-Speaking of Matt Cassel, he is now in his 11th professional season. After not starting a game at USC, he has 71 NFL starts. That is more than twice as many as Matt Leinart. Since 2005, he has never been out of work during the regular season. Well done!

The 2015 Guide to Getting Overexcited About the NFL Draft

The 2015 NFL Draft is in the books!

There will be no real NFL news until training camps open. Now is the time for overblown predicions.

Any analysis of your team will end in one of two conclusions.

1) This is OUR FUCKING YEAR!

2) We're totally fucked.

How your team drafted is a big part of the assessment. Internet scouting reports provide a decent overview of a player's potential, but that's for managing the post-free agency hangover. Now is the time to get excited. For that, the best tool is a good old-fashioned YouTube highlight reel.

Let's break down some of my favorite reels and see what they say about the 2015 season.

 Brandon Scherff, OT, Iowa. Drafted by 5th overall by the Washington Redskins

This video is great because it answers all the FAQ's that come with highly touted lineman.

Q: Yeah he's a bear, but can he move his fat ass?

A: Yes! This video emphasizes Scherff's movement in space. At 2:01 he pulls from inside the hash to the numbers, turns upfield, and then blocks his man into the parking lot. Great quickness, great feet, and great power. Few lineman are that devastating outside the tackle box.

Q: Plenty of kids can run block, but I'm paying (Franchise Quarterback X) $20 million this year! Is this guy gonna keep him on the field?

A: Sure. Check out the play at :59. Rather than committing to the defensive end, Scherff anticipates a blitz and stays patient. When the extra defender comes, Scherff squares him up and puts him on the ground.

Q: Some guys love football. Some guys don't. Which kind am I getting?

A: Did you watch that video? This kid is nasty as Possum Fuck. He lives to wreck people.

In spite of all this, some can't see beyond Scherff's listed height of 6' 5''. As we all know, shortish guys without pornographic combine numbers (like Joe Thomas) can't play tackle in the NFL. For this reason the 2015 Washington Redskins are TOTALLY FUCKED!


Vic Beasley, OLB, Clemson. Drafted 8th overall by the Atlanta Falcons

This video doesn't excite me. Vic Beasley is super-twitchy, but this reel makes me question his pro potential. All we see him do is speed-rush from the outside. He blows away whatever fat kid Directional State X throws at him, but without an inside move, better hand technique, and a few counters, he will top out as a situational player.

He reminds me of Bruce Irvin, who Seattle picked 15th overall in 2012. Great first step, high-motor, and 16.5 sacks through three seasons. That's not bad, but it's not the transformative impact expected of a high first-rounder.

For this reason the 2015 Atlanta Falcons are TOTALLY FUCKED!


Randy Gregory, DE, Nebraska. Drafted 60th overall by the Dallas Cowboys

This is more like it.

Inside. Outside. Playside. Backside. Defense. Special Teams. Run. Pass. This is bad-ass film.

Never mind that there are beefier edge players at your local middle school. Never mind that he may be mentally unstable and shares a locker room with Greg Hardy.

Randy Gregory can ball. He may go down as the greatest two first-name athlete since Ricky Bobby.

In light of this, 2015 is the Dallas Cowboy's FUCKING YEAR!


Malcolm Brown, DT, Texas. Drafted 32nd overall by the New England Patriots

Forget what you just saw. Malcolm Brown is a fine young man and a talented athlete. It doesn't matter.

I'm a New Englander and I know my people. The Puritan legacy lives on through our sporting culture. In our thinking, God is always punishing us. Always. When things are going well, this is an unnatural interlude which only leads to a greater fall.

Other fan bases think God hates them. Not true. They just suck. We are wicked and must be cut down. We may profess otherwise when we see Malcolm Brown blowing up lineman, but in our hearts we know that every move Bill Belichick makes is the one that will finally lead us down the road to oblivion.

This is a fine synopsis of the 2015 New England Patriots.

Ideas for Renaming the Washington Redskins That Acutally Work

With the U.S Patent and Trademark office revoking the Washington professional football team's trademark on the name 'Redskins,' there has never been a better time for owner Daniel Snyder to reconsider his choice of nickname.

Right now nothing is imminent. For one thing, a public browbeating from politicians, writers, and celebrities crying crocodile tears on behalf of the Native Americans is a bad way to convince a proud billionaire who holds all the leverage. Furthermore, it ignores the ramifications or renaming. If not, Redskins; then what? 

The last thing Snyder wants is to undermine the brand equity of his eighty-year old franchise. He knows that the Redskins are more than a name. The Redskins are Sammy Baugh, George Allen, the Hogs, and three Super Bowl victories.

More than that, the Redskins are a passionate, loyal fan base. Much like the Bears and Packers, Washington and its fans value their identity as one of the league's most historic teams.

A new name has to evoke gravitas and local pride. Keeping the burgundy and gold is a must.

In the worst case, a name change brings in an aesthetic fitting an expansion team in a tertiary market. The team's name and on-field look would have no connection to the area. The team would seem like a fly-by-night arena outfit. Washington would be stuck with the second coming of the Jacksonville Jaguars.

It can't be some cheap, trendy, focus-grouped nonsense. It can't be a collective singular. As good as they are on the court, the Miami Heat and Oklahoma City Thunder sound like girls' soccer teams.

Here are a few ideas.

The Senators: It invokes the memory of Washington's former Major League Baseball team. The connection to the federal government makes good local sense. It's a good, though unoriginal fit.

The Gravers: This is a nod to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, which operated one of the few major manufacturing facilities in the City of Washington at the time of the team's founding. The name is historic and locally appropriate. It fits in with other old-guard franchises such as the Packers and Steelers, who drew their original teams from the local workforce.

Check out this picture of the plant, circa 1918. A rare example of industrial elegance. 

The Potomacs: What better way to represent all of Washington than to name the team after the river? Like 'Gravers,' it sounds like it could have been the team's name from the beginning. This is my favorite because it represents the city in the past, present, and future. 

The 2013 Harry Potter/NFL Mock Draft!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my quest to create the perfect content, I've learned a little bit about what people really want from published material in the digital age. For this post, I've taken three things America loves (football, countdowns, and magic/fantasy literature that make for good movies), and turned them into Supercontent. 

The order of this mock draft is current through the Darrelle Revis trade. The order will probably shuffle on Thursday, but I can't hold off any longer. 

Many of you were excited to click on this. The rest of you need to start being honest with yourselves. 

Have fun arguing in the comments section!

The picks are in...

Kansas City Chiefs: Rubeus Hagrid, OT, Gryffindor

In a draft full of intriguing but unproven prospects, Hagrid is considered a ‘can’t miss’ player. His 8’ 6’’ frame gives him the length and foot base to keep top pass rushers at bay. In addition, his strength and fierce instincts make him a force in the run game. The murky circumstances surrounding his expulsion from Hogwarts, as well as allegations of dragon-smuggling have raised character issues. Given Coach Andy Reid’s past success with troubled stars, Kansas City should be a good fit. 

Jacksonville Jaguars: Harry Potter, CB, Gryffindor

Though he played Seeker in college, he projects as a cornerback in the pros. He isn’t physically imposing, but his Quidditch tape belies a superior reactive athlete with excellent ball skills, and a dualist's mentality in one-on-one battles. His talent, leadership, and competitive spirit could turn around an underwhelming defense. 

Oakland Raiders: Ronald Weasley, PK, Gryffindor

Al Davis may be dead but his brand of irrational roster managment lives on in Oakland. Sebastian Janikowski, the team’s former first-round kicker, is 35, and entering his twilight decade. Ron Weasley’s pliable temperament and lack of skills make him an ideal backup and towel-boy. 

Philadelphia Eagles: Viktor Krum, CB, Durmstrang

Though some view him as the ‘other’ Quidditch-turned-corner prospect, Krum brings the size and physicality to the position Philadelphia hoped for from Nnamdi Asomaugh. Initially viewed as a small-school project player, his performances at the Quidditch World Cup and the Triwizard Tournament give him an unmatched big-game resume.   

Detroit Lions: Kingsley Shacklebolt, ILB, Gryffindor

A confident communicator who can bring cohesion to an undisciplined defense. As a career auror, some wonder if the wear and tear may catch up to him too soon.  

Cleveland Browns: Dobby, KR, Malfoy Household

An elusive, dependable, team-first player, whose fatalistic, servile attitude is well suited to special-teams play. Though undersized, his fearlessness and ability to make bigger players look foolish has drawn comparisons to Josh Cribbs. 

Arizona Cardinals: Albus Dumbledore, QB, Gryffindor

A cerebral player known for his calming effect on teammates. As an accomplished leglimens, he gathers and analyzes pre-snap information as well as any prospect of recent memory. Though not a great scrambler, his ability to fly without a broomstick gives him sufficient mobility. Despite the positives, his advanced age has sparked unflattering comparisons to Brandon Weeden.  

Buffalo Bills: Voldemort, ILB, Slytherin

A violent, cunning player with a chip on his shoulder and a cult-like following. Delights and excels at exploiting an opponent’s weaknesses. The perfect fit for a defense lacking talent and leadership at the linebacker position. His health is a major issue, as he has trouble maintaining a stable corporeal form. Furthermore, the league has yet to rule on the legality of horcruxes under the Banned Substance Policy. 

New York Jets: Severus Snape, QB, Gryffindor

A leglimens passer similar to Dumbledore, though without the same level of all-around mastery. His skill in occlumency takes on special value to a team known for loose lips around the media. Critics point to his moody, introverted disposition and question his ability to lead an NFL huddle. 

Tennessee Titans: Oliver Wood, C, Gryffindor

Wood’s work ethic is every coach’s dream. His experience as a Keeper should serve him well in pass protection. The center position favors awareness and leadership over pure size, and he should fare well if he can bulk up. 

San Diego Chargers: Charlie Weasley, OLB, Gryffindor

He is the most physically talented Weasley, with a powerful upper body and an understanding of leverage borne from dragon-wrangling. His experience with Norwegian Ridgebacks gives him the strong, violent hands to take on NFL offensive tackles. 

Miami Dolphins: Fenrir Greyback, DE, Slytherin

At his best, he is an explosive, high-motor player of unhuman viciousness. However, as a werewolf, his level of play is dictated by the lunar calendar. Though he may not show up every week, a full moon against New England could change the balance of power in the AFC East. 

New York Jets (from Tampa Bay): George Weasley, SS, Gryffindor

His experience as a bludger makes him a rangy player with a zest for hitting. The Jets will miss LaRon Landry, but Weasley brings similar skills to New York's defensive backfield. 

Carolina Panthers: Fred Weasley, SS, Gryffindor

Identical scouting report to his brother. 

New Orleans Saints: Peter Pettigrew, WR, Gryffindor

A small, shifty player. His willingness to injure opponents simply to please an evil authority figure makes him a fit in the Big Easy. Some scouts believe he is only effective in rat form. 

St. Louis Rams: Tim Tebow, QB, University of Florida

St. Louis passed up on Robert Griffin III last year, but they do secure the most magical player in this draft. 

Pittsburg Steelers: Dudley Dursley, DT, Little Whinging

His wide-body and blue-collar physicality command a premium in a draft which is light on old-school nose guards. Criticisms include poor conditioning, weak football intelligence, and lack of magic powers. Nonetheless, Pittsburg needs to address life after Casey Hampton. 

Dallas Cowboys: Olympe Maxime, TE, Beauxbatons

Never afraid to shake things up, Jerry Jones makes history by drafting the NFL’s first female player. As a half-giantess, she presents a big target for Tony Romo. 

New York Giants: Vincent Crabbe, MLB, Slytherin

The Giants may have finally found a successor to Antonio Pierce in Crabbe. His proficiency with the Cruciatus Curse allows him to dish out serious punishment without incurring helmet-to-helmet penalties. 

Chicago Bears: Draco Malfoy, WR, Slytherin

A competent, but not exceptional talent; his near translucent skin, combined with Chicago’s home whites, will be hard for defenses to track in a Midwestern blizzard. Malfoy is a potential game changer in late season strategy.  

Cincinnati Bengals: Mundungus Fletcher, OG, Order of the Phoenix

A squat, scrappy player with experience in protecting more valuable wizards. His history of petty crime would keep him off most rosters, but Cincinnati has never been shy about taking on players with checkered pasts. 

St. Louis Rams (from Washington): Dementor, DE, Azkaban Prison

The Rams already have a pair of big, physical ends in Chris Long and Michael Brockers, but adding a Dementor gives them a more spectral option. Though sucking out an opposing lineman’s soul constitutes illegal contact,  the Dementor's mere presence can undermine an offense's morale. 

Minnesota Vikings: Neville Longbottom, FS, Gryffindor

As the product of a two-auror household, he has the pedigree to do great things. He has flashed talent at times, but his timid nature has led scouts to question his commitment to football. 

Indianapolis Colts: Gellert Grindewald, LB, Durmstrang

It’s uncertain what role he would play, but being considered ‘One of the Most Dangerous Dark Wizards of All Time’ brings edginess to Indianapolis’ defense which has been missing since Bob Sanders left. 

Seattle Seahawks: Remus Lupin, RB, Gryffindor,

By drafting a werewolf, Seattle adds another halfback capable of ‘Beast Mode.’ 

Green Bay Packers: Alastor Moody, SS, Gryffindor

With the departure of Charles Woodson, Green Bay needs a defensive leader who brings toughness and experience. Moody fits the bill on both these counts, and his ‘Mad Eye’ allows him to literally see the whole field. Another player who would have gone higher if not for health concerns, his number of missing body parts raises questions about his long term durability. 

Houston Texans: Aberforth Dumbledore, QB, Gryffindor

Less magically talented than his brother, but as a bartender he became known for gathering and analyzing information about the opposition. This will serve him well as a scout team quarterback while developing behind Matt Schaub. 

Denver Broncos: Kreacher, RB, Black Household

He has a similar running style to Dobby, which Denver lacks on its current roster. His proud, self-critical attitude is a perfect for a Peyton Manning offense, as is his reverence for pure-blood quarterbacking lineage. 

New England Patriots: Grawp, DT, Forbidden Forest

With the top outside-the-numbers talent off the board, Bill Belichick goes for the best available player. Grawp is a raw mauler with high upside if he can translate his strength into technique. At 16’, he tends to play high in his stance, and some question whether he can grasp NFL defensive concepts. If developed properly, he could be unblockable. 

Atlanta Falcons: Antonin Dolohov, SS, Azkaban Prison

He is old, but old-school when it comes to enforcing. His reliability as a Death Eater should carry over to Atlanta. 

San Francisco 49ers: Fleur Delacour, Cheerleader, Beauxbatons

Her magical powers of seduction are useful for distracting opponents. Always the gamesman, expect Jim Harbaugh to take full advantage as he tries to bring San Francisco back to Super Bowl glory. 

Baltimore Ravens: Gilderoy Lockhart, P, Gryffindor

He doesn’t have any football skills, but no tribute British letters would be complete without Kenneth Branaugh.