The 2013 Harry Potter/NFL Mock Draft!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In my quest to create the perfect content, I've learned a little bit about what people really want from published material in the digital age. For this post, I've taken three things America loves (football, countdowns, and magic/fantasy literature that make for good movies), and turned them into Supercontent.
The order of this mock draft is current through the Darrelle Revis trade. The order will probably shuffle on Thursday, but I can't hold off any longer.
Many of you were excited to click on this. The rest of you need to start being honest with yourselves.
Have fun arguing in the comments section!
The picks are in...
Kansas City Chiefs: Rubeus Hagrid, OT, Gryffindor
In a draft full of intriguing but unproven prospects, Hagrid is considered a ‘can’t miss’ player. His 8’ 6’’ frame gives him the length and foot base to keep top pass rushers at bay. In addition, his strength and fierce instincts make him a force in the run game. The murky circumstances surrounding his expulsion from Hogwarts, as well as allegations of dragon-smuggling have raised character issues. Given Coach Andy Reid’s past success with troubled stars, Kansas City should be a good fit.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Harry Potter, CB, Gryffindor
Though he played Seeker in college, he projects as a cornerback in the pros. He isn’t physically imposing, but his Quidditch tape belies a superior reactive athlete with excellent ball skills, and a dualist's mentality in one-on-one battles. His talent, leadership, and competitive spirit could turn around an underwhelming defense.
Oakland Raiders: Ronald Weasley, PK, Gryffindor
Al Davis may be dead but his brand of irrational roster managment lives on in Oakland. Sebastian Janikowski, the team’s former first-round kicker, is 35, and entering his twilight decade. Ron Weasley’s pliable temperament and lack of skills make him an ideal backup and towel-boy.
Philadelphia Eagles: Viktor Krum, CB, Durmstrang
Though some view him as the ‘other’ Quidditch-turned-corner prospect, Krum brings the size and physicality to the position Philadelphia hoped for from Nnamdi Asomaugh. Initially viewed as a small-school project player, his performances at the Quidditch World Cup and the Triwizard Tournament give him an unmatched big-game resume.
Detroit Lions: Kingsley Shacklebolt, ILB, Gryffindor
A confident communicator who can bring cohesion to an undisciplined defense. As a career auror, some wonder if the wear and tear may catch up to him too soon.
Cleveland Browns: Dobby, KR, Malfoy Household
An elusive, dependable, team-first player, whose fatalistic, servile attitude is well suited to special-teams play. Though undersized, his fearlessness and ability to make bigger players look foolish has drawn comparisons to Josh Cribbs.
Arizona Cardinals: Albus Dumbledore, QB, Gryffindor
A cerebral player known for his calming effect on teammates. As an accomplished leglimens, he gathers and analyzes pre-snap information as well as any prospect of recent memory. Though not a great scrambler, his ability to fly without a broomstick gives him sufficient mobility. Despite the positives, his advanced age has sparked unflattering comparisons to Brandon Weeden.
Buffalo Bills: Voldemort, ILB, Slytherin
A violent, cunning player with a chip on his shoulder and a cult-like following. Delights and excels at exploiting an opponent’s weaknesses. The perfect fit for a defense lacking talent and leadership at the linebacker position. His health is a major issue, as he has trouble maintaining a stable corporeal form. Furthermore, the league has yet to rule on the legality of horcruxes under the Banned Substance Policy.
New York Jets: Severus Snape, QB, Gryffindor
A leglimens passer similar to Dumbledore, though without the same level of all-around mastery. His skill in occlumency takes on special value to a team known for loose lips around the media. Critics point to his moody, introverted disposition and question his ability to lead an NFL huddle.
Tennessee Titans: Oliver Wood, C, Gryffindor
Wood’s work ethic is every coach’s dream. His experience as a Keeper should serve him well in pass protection. The center position favors awareness and leadership over pure size, and he should fare well if he can bulk up.
San Diego Chargers: Charlie Weasley, OLB, Gryffindor
He is the most physically talented Weasley, with a powerful upper body and an understanding of leverage borne from dragon-wrangling. His experience with Norwegian Ridgebacks gives him the strong, violent hands to take on NFL offensive tackles.
Miami Dolphins: Fenrir Greyback, DE, Slytherin
At his best, he is an explosive, high-motor player of unhuman viciousness. However, as a werewolf, his level of play is dictated by the lunar calendar. Though he may not show up every week, a full moon against New England could change the balance of power in the AFC East.
New York Jets (from Tampa Bay): George Weasley, SS, Gryffindor
His experience as a bludger makes him a rangy player with a zest for hitting. The Jets will miss LaRon Landry, but Weasley brings similar skills to New York's defensive backfield.
Carolina Panthers: Fred Weasley, SS, Gryffindor
Identical scouting report to his brother.
New Orleans Saints: Peter Pettigrew, WR, Gryffindor
A small, shifty player. His willingness to injure opponents simply to please an evil authority figure makes him a fit in the Big Easy. Some scouts believe he is only effective in rat form.
St. Louis Rams: Tim Tebow, QB, University of Florida
St. Louis passed up on Robert Griffin III last year, but they do secure the most magical player in this draft.
Pittsburg Steelers: Dudley Dursley, DT, Little Whinging
His wide-body and blue-collar physicality command a premium in a draft which is light on old-school nose guards. Criticisms include poor conditioning, weak football intelligence, and lack of magic powers. Nonetheless, Pittsburg needs to address life after Casey Hampton.
Dallas Cowboys: Olympe Maxime, TE, Beauxbatons
Never afraid to shake things up, Jerry Jones makes history by drafting the NFL’s first female player. As a half-giantess, she presents a big target for Tony Romo.
New York Giants: Vincent Crabbe, MLB, Slytherin
The Giants may have finally found a successor to Antonio Pierce in Crabbe. His proficiency with the Cruciatus Curse allows him to dish out serious punishment without incurring helmet-to-helmet penalties.
Chicago Bears: Draco Malfoy, WR, Slytherin
A competent, but not exceptional talent; his near translucent skin, combined with Chicago’s home whites, will be hard for defenses to track in a Midwestern blizzard. Malfoy is a potential game changer in late season strategy.
Cincinnati Bengals: Mundungus Fletcher, OG, Order of the Phoenix
A squat, scrappy player with experience in protecting more valuable wizards. His history of petty crime would keep him off most rosters, but Cincinnati has never been shy about taking on players with checkered pasts.
St. Louis Rams (from Washington): Dementor, DE, Azkaban Prison
The Rams already have a pair of big, physical ends in Chris Long and Michael Brockers, but adding a Dementor gives them a more spectral option. Though sucking out an opposing lineman’s soul constitutes illegal contact, the Dementor's mere presence can undermine an offense's morale.
Minnesota Vikings: Neville Longbottom, FS, Gryffindor
As the product of a two-auror household, he has the pedigree to do great things. He has flashed talent at times, but his timid nature has led scouts to question his commitment to football.
Indianapolis Colts: Gellert Grindewald, LB, Durmstrang
It’s uncertain what role he would play, but being considered ‘One of the Most Dangerous Dark Wizards of All Time’ brings edginess to Indianapolis’ defense which has been missing since Bob Sanders left.
Seattle Seahawks: Remus Lupin, RB, Gryffindor,
By drafting a werewolf, Seattle adds another halfback capable of ‘Beast Mode.’
Green Bay Packers: Alastor Moody, SS, Gryffindor
With the departure of Charles Woodson, Green Bay needs a defensive leader who brings toughness and experience. Moody fits the bill on both these counts, and his ‘Mad Eye’ allows him to literally see the whole field. Another player who would have gone higher if not for health concerns, his number of missing body parts raises questions about his long term durability.
Houston Texans: Aberforth Dumbledore, QB, Gryffindor
Less magically talented than his brother, but as a bartender he became known for gathering and analyzing information about the opposition. This will serve him well as a scout team quarterback while developing behind Matt Schaub.
Denver Broncos: Kreacher, RB, Black Household
He has a similar running style to Dobby, which Denver lacks on its current roster. His proud, self-critical attitude is a perfect for a Peyton Manning offense, as is his reverence for pure-blood quarterbacking lineage.
New England Patriots: Grawp, DT, Forbidden Forest
With the top outside-the-numbers talent off the board, Bill Belichick goes for the best available player. Grawp is a raw mauler with high upside if he can translate his strength into technique. At 16’, he tends to play high in his stance, and some question whether he can grasp NFL defensive concepts. If developed properly, he could be unblockable.
Atlanta Falcons: Antonin Dolohov, SS, Azkaban Prison
He is old, but old-school when it comes to enforcing. His reliability as a Death Eater should carry over to Atlanta.
San Francisco 49ers: Fleur Delacour, Cheerleader, Beauxbatons
Her magical powers of seduction are useful for distracting opponents. Always the gamesman, expect Jim Harbaugh to take full advantage as he tries to bring San Francisco back to Super Bowl glory.
Baltimore Ravens: Gilderoy Lockhart, P, Gryffindor
He doesn’t have any football skills, but no tribute British letters would be complete without Kenneth Branaugh.
