My Life As a Small-Time Musical Genius: The Quest for Cosmic Bass

The lowest recorded frequency in the universe was observed in 2003 by British astrophysicist Andrew Fabian using the Chandra X-Ray telescope.

It was produced by the electromagnetic rumblings of a black hole at the center of the Perseus Cluster. The 1.6e-15 Hz note is a B-flat 57 octaves below middle C (252 Hz).

That's some serious low-end. As a musician who struggles to find new dimensions of heaviness, introducing black hole bass into my compositions could drop them to a yet uncharted Level of Hell.

Theory has its limits, though. The lower bound of human hearing is about 20 Hz. Frequencies below this threshold are known as sub-bass. Though inaudible, their pressure waves pack a solid thump, which is why they are popular in EDM genres.

Unfortunately for Perseus' prospects as a hit maker, its wavelength is 1.87e+23m. For comparison, the average distance from the Sun to Pluto is a mere 5.91e+12m. Talk about a slow jam...

The good news for terrestrial musicians is that bass is more than just pitch.

Take a close listen to this Motown classic for an example of how bass changes everything, even in a light number.

This super-funky bass line was laid down by Motown session ace, James Jamerson. Considered one of the greatest electric bass players of all time, Jamerson's playing was fearless and inventive at a time when common practice was to turn it down and sheepishly plug away on roots and fifths.

Unfortunately, the legacy of James Jamerson is hard to find on the charts today. Derivative four-on-the-floor rhythms rule Top 40. Modern rock bass is watered down to: 1) Buy a 5-string. 2) Tune it down. 3) Sling it low. 5) Bang away like no one can here you (because they can't). Musical sophistication in hip-hop and R&B has been undermined by decades of sampling, and the emergence of crude 'beats' over real instrumentation.

At this point it's only fair to mention the exceptions. Here is a list of some great contemporary bass players who make the last paragraph look stupid: Victor Wooten, Billy Sheehan, Gary Willis, Richard Bona, John Myung, Sharay Reed, Bryan Beller. There are many others, but this will get you started. No Stu Hamm and Marcus Miller, you don't make the list, because bassists with shaky timing are useless. 

All this said, I still haven't solved my original problem: how to develop heavier music. Bass guitar isn't the only route. As a natural baritone, my own voice presents an answer, but my limited vocal fundamentals make for erratic results.

My working hypothesis is that the answer is in rhythm. Much as James Jamerson countered Little Michael's high, smooth vocals with churning eight and sixteenth notes, my own goal as an arranger is to flesh out the rhythmic spaces in the song, and the let the harmonies develop from there. It's not a new insight, but pulling original jams from ancient ideas is the backbone of great music. At least until we can harness the power of a black hole.

If I ever do record the heaviest song ever, you, my readers will be the first to hear it.  

PT's Pick for Throwback Jam of the Spring

As the weather gets warmer, the hype grows for this year's "Summer Festival Season." Anchored by events such as SXSW, Bonnaroo, Coachella, and Lollapalooza, SFS is an old-fashioned way for musicians and their labels to profit in an age when all the good songs are on YouTube for free.

As the music industry has grown more seasonal, content producers and consumers alike have become fixated with what this year's "Song of the Summer" will be. Traditionally, this is an upbeat, light-hearted arrangement, with a rythmic, sturdy hook.

Of course it is. Summer is a simple season of simple pleasures and has songs to match. 

What interests me is why other seasons don't have "Songs." Winter is the closest, but usually it's a novelty track from a celebrity Christmas album. Picking songs for the other three seasons is difficult, which is why Psychoeuphorology Today is taking up the challenge.

After all, no gets Michelin stars for cooking a nice ribeye.

For spring, I've chosen to go with a throwback jam. After all, most of the recent releases have summer in mind.

I've picked the 1998 classic, Back That Azz Up by Juvenile.

Like spring itself, the song is subtle and forward-looking. It marks the first significant exposure for a teenage Lil' Wayne. Furthermore, the video is prescient in understanding the democratization of music which would mark the coming decade.

By setting it at a local New Orleans-area concert, it anticipates the renewed emphasis on massive live spectacles that underpin the festival concept.

Furthermore, though Back That Azz Up was released in during the Golden Age of Video Ho's (1915- Present), the video features local women of varying attractiveness in street clothes, united in their desire to Back That Azz Up. Furthering Juvenile's feminist heroics is his use of consensual syntax. He asks of women, "won't you back that azz up?'

This aspect is poignant on the heels of Blurred Lines, in which Robin Thicke suggests he likes to date-rape models.

Back That Azz Up is a song for today and every day. Oh, and in case you missed this in all the high-mindedness, it's kind of a banger.  

The Huskies Win!/ Were Karmically Rewarded for Honestly Reporting their Academic Shortcomings.

During the post-game celebration last night, University of Connecticut point guard Shabazz Napier caused a stir by announcing to the crowd,

"Ladies and gentlemen, you're looking at the hungry Huskies. This is what happens when you ban us. Last year, two years, we worked so hard for it..."

Speak for New England, Shabazz!

Thought his boldness can be written off as empty emotion, what Napier said summarized the anger, and now vindication that the University of Connecticut and its fans have felt in the past two years.

Last year, Connecticut was banned from the NCAA tournament due to its poor Academic Progress Report (APR). This metric aggregates classroom performance and graduation rate amongst a program's athletes to judge whether they're meeting off-court standards.

It was an embarrassment for a state the values education, and a university with a strong academic reputation. 

Connecticut deserved the sanctions. However, those who follow college basketball tend to ignore the deeper implication: The University of Connecticut is an honest when it comes to its athletes.

By now, its an open secret that big-time college basketball programs take advantage of lax regulation and complicit faculty to boost the grades of middling students. In the past month, the University of North Carolina has come under scrutiny following the release of a juvenile, 146-word 'essay' on Rosa Parks, which contributed to one student-athlete receiving an A-minus for an introductory course in African-American Studies. 

In fairness to the NCAA, it did drop the hammer on UNC's football program in 2012. Though the salient violations were for impermissible benefits, they did include one count of academic fraud.

The program was not punished for poor grades; it was punished for lying.

In a twisted way, Connecticut was punished for telling the truth. Rather than create an academically bankrupt program meant to perpetuate the NCAA's myth of the student-athlete, UConn held its players to real collegiate standards. Connecticut does things the right way, even when that means admitting wrongdoing. Its players are real students, and for this reason, it is a worthy champion of college basketball.

Shabazz Napier was hit hard by last year's sanctions, but that frustration fueled him to work harder. One year later, he has a second national championship, and a legitimate degree in Sociology to show for it.

Can the Uconn Huskies Really Win This Thing? Yes!

Despite being an imbalanced, undersized team that over-relies on its best player, the University of Connecticut Huskies are only two wins away from their fourth national championship.

Coach Kevin Ollie has done a fine job playing to his team's strengths. The Huskies have fielded a strong defense all season thanks to the rim protection afforded by the center tandem of Phillip Nolan and Amidah Brimah. Having an athletic 7-footer on the court for most of the game allows an otherwise small team to pressure the ball, and disrupt plays before they develop.

On offense, the versatile scoring of DeAndre Daniels and Ryan Boatright, and underrated facilitating from Niels Giffey have made it difficult for opponents to key in on the team's centerpiece, point guard Shabazz Napier.

On top of this, the Huskie's superior foul shooting makes them a tough out late in games. Several years ago, the coaching staff adopted an unusual approach towards practicing free throws, inspired by Steve Nash. In their last two games against Iowa State and Michigan State they are 41-44 from the foul line. That comes out to 93%, right around the 90% career average of the Greatest Living Canadian.

How do you make the Final Four against heavily favored opposition? Just learn to do this. 

Though these factors contribute, the Huskies will win a national championship because of Shabazz Napier. Just not for the reason everyone thinks. 

Though Napier's scoring has carried the team, he is an imperfect offensive player. He is still developing as a passer, and sometimes forces plays that aren't there. His lack of size and athleticism makes him inconsistent around the rim, despite his long highlight reel. In an eerie parallel with Kemba Walker's championship season (2010-11), Napier only shoots 43% from the field.

What Napier really brings is confidence and maturity. At the college level, mental discipline is a premium skill, most common in third and fourth year players. Observers chalk this up to experience, but the cause is more profound than that.

Players undergo tremendous brain development from their late teens to their early twenties. By their senior year, many players have acquired advanced mental skills such as foresight and impulse control that are well beyond those of even the most talented freshmen.

In this regard Napier is a superior player. His approach is consistent, regardless of the score, or his own performance. He attacks the rim, because drawing fouls has an impact beyond one possession. Most of all, he sets an example that his team can follow.

Upperclassmen like DeAndre Daniles, Niels Giffey, and Ryan Boatright are not as consistent scorers, but they don't let cold shooting take them out of their game. More importantly, it does not deter them from playing tough, active defense, often against larger players.

This is the Shabazz Napier's biggest impact. Like Kemba Walker before him, he has his team playing like young men, not jittery teenagers.

OK, Fine, You Twisted My Arm... Let's Talk About March Madness

The purpose of this space is for me to write about whatever is on my mind. I think about a lot of stuff, and reflect that in my choice of topics.

However, this blog is powered by Blogger, which means that Google spies on you, my readers, and tells me what you really think.

According to traffic patterns, you like posts about sports and TV. Who am I to ignore what really matters to you?

With the Sweet 16 approaching, here is...

A Six-Pack of Thoughts on the NCAA Basketball Tournament So Far (By the way, I'm still looking for a beer sponsor.)

1. Is it clear that Jim Boeheim is a second-rate basketball coach?

He has reached 900 wins beating up on the small liberal arts schools and Directional-States of the Northeast, while rarely hanging with quality opposition.

Yes, every big program pads is schedule, and yes, he has won 5 Big East Tournaments and a National Championship in 2003.

However, this year's loss to 11th seeded Dayton is yet another in a history of ugly tournament defeats for the perennially "loaded" Orange.

Even more damning is the record of his players in the NBA. Carmelo Anthony stands as the only unequivocal success to emerge from a Boeheim coached team. In the last few years alone, players like Jonny Flynn, Wesley Johnson, and Fab Melo have reinforced the preconception of Syracuse as a school which takes in talented players and leaves them unprepared for the big time.

Even promising young professionals like Dion Waiters and Michael Carter-Williams are marked by the bad defensive habits they learned in upstate New York.

Boeheim's 2-3 zone may spare his players from working hard on defense, but good teams rip it apart. It's a lazy strategy that gives players a bad foundation to build on. There's a reason no one else uses it.

Boeheim is a good recruiter, and upsets happen, but in his tenure, he has more tournament loses to double digit seeds (6), than Syracuse has Final Four appearances (5) in its entire history.


2. God Bless Mercer.

I have no idea where Mercer is. I not sure if it's an accredited school. I'm not going to look either of those things up, because I've gotten this far in life being ignorant of Mercer, and I'm not changing now.

However, they beat Duke, which for some reason is a National Priority every year. In general, success breeds resentment, but America's feelings for the Blue Devils make the Yankees or Lakers seem likeable.

If you subscribe to the theory that sports are a subconscious surrogate for war, then Mercer's upset over Duke is equivalent to re-assassinating Osama bin Laden. We are that united in our desire to see Coach K's squad go down.

I'm not sure why we hate Duke so much, especially while John Calipari is still active. Nonetheless, God Bless Mercer.


3. While we're on the subject of Basketball Hate; I hate these teams:

Florida: The University of Florida is a third-rate diploma mill with nothing to stand on besides it's basketball and football teams. I wouldn't make snap judgements about a graduate of large public school like Michigan State or Indiana. If someone confessed to being a Florida Gator, I would question their intelligence and credentials.   

Arizona: Like Florida, but more so.

Lousville: I hate Rick Pitino more than the school. Everything about his bearing and personality reminds me of a sleazy used car salesmen (or, as they're known in college basketball: Top Recruiters). Furthermore, he is not forgiven for his embarrassing stint as Head Coach of my Boston Celtics.


4. These are the teams I'm pulling for.

Harvard: The Crimson were eliminated in the Round of 32 by Michigan State, but seeing an academically rigorous school make some tournament noise is always nice (unless it's Duke).

Stanford: Also an academically rigorous school, though one with a deeper commitment to athletics than Harvard. Yesterday they knocked off the second seeded Kansas Jayhawks, while holding Andrew Wiggins to four points.

Hopefully, this is the game NBA executives remember when they're over-drafting Doug McDermott and Julius Randle, thus letting Wiggins slide to my Boston Celtics around picks 5-7.

While I'm daring to dream, perhaps the NBA will give Joel Embiid the Jared Sullinger treatment with regards to his back problems; letting him fall to our late first round pick via Brooklyn. Be still, my beating heart.

Connecticut: In case the Jim Boeheim critique didn't tip you off, the Huskies are my team. MUSH, HUSKIES, MUSH!!!!

Those who think Connecticut is just Shabazz Napier and friends and have another thing coming, namely this.


5. Here is my obligatory shot at the NCAA.

The NCAA is a corrupt and borderline criminal organization. It's only regulatory principle is 'out of sight, out of mind.' It operates in naked defiance of the 13th Amendment.

That said, the problems of minor-league basketball are minor indeed. Let the games continue.


6. The players who wear t-shirts under their jerseys need to stop.

I don't know why they do it, but I assume it's because they are afraid to show their underdeveloped musculature to a national audience.

Whatever the reason, it looks lame. Puny or not, those pythons need to breathe.  

Worse still, they're making fashion victims out of the pros.

This year the NBA and Adidas have rolled out horrendous sleeved jerseys that take inspiration from the t-shirt look.

They even make LeBron James looks like a rec-leaguer.







 

The Crimean Situation: A House of Cards-based model

Add up all your billions together and you get the GDP of Slovakia. I have the Federal Government of the United States of America. Your money doesn't intimidate me. The most that you can buy is influence; but I wield Constitutional authority.  -Frank Underwood

Though President Underwood spoke these words with regards to a fictional power struggle between himself and a billionaire energy magnate Raymond Tusk; they go a long way in explaining Russia's real takeover of the Crimean peninsula.

As a Western observer, the most frustrating aspect has been the global community's lack of recourse in dealing with naked aggression so close to the NATO homeland. No one will go to war over the Crimea, and Vladimir Putin knows it.

As an alternative, mild sanctions have been put in place, with more severe ones possible. In other words, Crimea has been snatched without consequences. In this matter, the West has no leverage over Putin, in the same way that Raymond Tusk's control over the White House was illusory.

All this has been obvious from the outset. However, the more I think about this, the more the House of Cards analogy fits. 

Economic and diplomatic sanctions mean little to either Underwood or Putin. These are just the tolls to pay on the Road to Greatness. As an unelected President and an 'elected' President, they aren't accountable to any business leaders, political allies, or even common people who bear the brunt of retaliation.

In our jaded political culture, we often think that money is equivalent to power, but Putin/Underwood remind us that it only buys influence. The West can freeze assets. It can make life (relatively) difficult for wealthy and connected Russians. That doesn't change the fact that Putin has a government and an army, along with the authority to lead them.

It's clear where he is taking his cues. It may seem that the Crimean invasion came on the heels of Ukrainian political turmoil. However, that obscures the more relevant event. It came less than a month after House of Cards Season 2 was released.

The Crisis of Conservation in Reality Television

Since it debuted in early 2012, Ink Master has been my favorite reality TV show. For those of you who don't (but should!) watch it, Ink Master is a competition in which tattoo artists compete by plying their trade on volunteer canvases. Their work is then judged by industry notables Oliver Peck and Chris Nunez, as well as collector and impresario Dave Navarro.

On Tuesday, the show will air the third episode of its fourth season. This means that by the end of the spring, Ink Master will have churned through 57 contestants in less than two and half years.

This production schedule is undermining the show. Though it's early, this season's field looks weak. The judges have declined to name a winner in either of the first two elimination challenges. The most recent episode ended with a contestant quitting after an emotional breakdown.

After Season 2, the viewers voted Katherine 'Tatu Baby' Flores to return for Season 3. A mercurial genius of deep imagination but erratic application; she rode her second chance to a third place finish. Though the judges gave the title of Ink Master to the consistent, workman-like Joey Hamilton, Tatu Baby won America's Heart twice over.

This season's fan favorite is the solid, but unremarkable Kyle Dunbar. Given his listed experience of 20 years, he is probably past his window to reach Ink Mastery.

All of this is to say that Spike has failed to conserve the Ink Master population. By spacing out the seasons, the network would allow the population of viable contestants to regenerate. Instead, they are left with a middling, underdeveloped crop of hotheads who don't live up to the legacy of Tommy Helm (who currently stars on Tattoo Nightmares), or Steve Tefft (the Season 2 winner, who's finale piece is a great example of Connecticut craftsmanship, which is why I'm including it below).

The more intelligent model is that of Top Chef. Although food service has a large enough talent pool to justify 11 seasons since 2006, the producers have mixed in five seasons of Top Chef Masters and two seasons of Top Chef: Just Desserts. Rotating these spin-offs keeps the flagship program's contestant cupboard well-stocked. In addition, it keeps the producers from running out of desirable host cities. No one wants to see a bunch of talentless fry-cooks gutting out a Doritos challenge on Top Chef: Cleveland.

Actually... Wait, they have that! It's called Hell's Kitchen.