2014 NFL Draft Preview: The Obituaries

We're less than 48 hours from the start of the NFL Draft. By now, you've heard hours of analysis and insight about this year's prospects.

But any analyst can tell you about a player's prospective draft position and potential as a professional. Here at Psychoeuphorology Today, we project a player all the way to the grave.

Here is a mock Top-10, told in brief obituaries.

1. Houston Texans: Jadeveon Clowney (February 14, 1993-March 18, 2076)

Former NFL defensive end Jadeveon Clowney died in his sleep in his Charleston, SC home last night at the age of 83; so bringing him the only peace has known since his late teens. Clowney is best remembered as a draft bust of the Houston Texans. Despite his peerless physical talents and deep technical mastery of the position, he never lived up to expectations. 

Over the course of a 16-year professional career, he struggled his way to 187 career sacks, while making only 9 All-Pro Teams, and limping to a lone Defensive Player of the Year award in 2019. To cap the disgrace, Clowney was made to wait the standard five years before his induction into the Hall of Fame; only confirming his sheer averagness. 

After his playing days, Clowney returned to his native South Carolina, where he served as head football coach of West Ashley High School in Charleston. No doubt motivated to escape their coach's cautionary legacy, West Ashley would go on to win four state championships during Clowney's 35-year tenure.

Jadeveon Clowney is survived by his three children, all of whom refuse to be identified for this piece. 

2. St. Louis Rams: Johnny Football (December 6, 1992-February 16, 2028)

Johnny Ballertime Football (born Jonathan Paul Manziel), died from complications of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy today. He was 35. He is remembered as the infamous, Heisman winning quarterback of Texas A&M from 2012-2014, as well as for his bizarre, but effective NFL career. 

In a stunning draft day coup, the Seattle Seahawks traded their entire 2014 draft, plus first and second round picks in 2015 to the St. Louis Rams to pick Johnny Football second overall. In an even stranger move, they then packaged him in a three way trade with the Oakland Raiders which sent him to St. Louis.

The gambit worked, as Football (who legally changed his name after the draft), proved to be the perfect fifth column Seattle needed to undermine a budding division rival. In his rookie season, he built a reputation as a mouthy backup whose habit of calling personal press conferences at local strip clubs proved corrosive to team morale. 

Given the chance to start in 2015 following the release of Sam Bradford, Football's average arm, erratic mechanics and willingness to force plays that weren't there made him indispensable in Seattle's run to another NFC West title. 

Released following the 2016-17 season, Football found his true calling as an Arena League barnstormer, roaming the nation on one game contracts, and deriving most of his income hustling high schoolers at 7-on7. 

As his neurological symptoms worsened, he was briefly seen as a poster boy for the dangers of football. Critics of the game pointed to his early dementia, loose inhibitions, and erratic judgement as proof that football was too dangerous for America's young men. However, a review of his medical records, going back to earliest childhood proved he was always kind of like that. 


3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Blake Bortles (December 16, 1991-August 4, 2072)

Former Jacksonville Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles died today from a heart attack at age 80. He is best remembered for his unsuccessful stint as the starting quarterback of the Jacksonville Jaguars from 2014-2017. 

At the time he left the University of Central Florida, he was considered by many to have the highest upside of any quarterback prospect in the 2014 NFL draft. He never panned out as a professional, with analysts citing the extreme jump in competition from the American Athletic Conference to NFL as too much for him. 

Though he never betrayed his feelings to the public, friends and family attributed deep ennui as the root of his struggles. Leaving Orlando -the cosmopolitan center of American intellectual life- to play a bloodsport in a blue collar backwater never suited him. 

Retiring after just four seasons, Bortles returned to Orlando, where he devoted his life to a five volume history of the Great Disney Princes. In his words, "As Plutarch did for the leading men of antiquity, and Vasari for those artists behind the second birth of man; so will I do for the finest rulers of our own day." 

The work was unfinished at the time of his death. And written in crayon.  

4. Cleveland Browns: Khalil Mack (February 22, 1991-April 9, 2068)

Khalil Mack passed away yesterday due to complications from heart disease.

Highly regarded going into the 2014 Draft, Mack had all the tools to be the next great Cleveland Browns draft bust. Coming out of a small-time program at the University of Buffalo, he put up big numbers against middling competition, and rose up draft boards thanks to the extra month the NFL gave teams to overthink and second-guess their way to ruination. 

However, Mack never won over the Cleveland coaches or fans. His solid, mindful style of play, marked by high effort on and off the field jarred a football community used to cozy mediocrity. 

He was released by Cleveland after three seasons, and signed with the Pittsburgh Steelers. He was critical in returning that franchise to prominence, highlighting his career with a game-sealing interception in Super Bowl LV. 

After his retirement, he spoke fondly of his time in Cleveland saying, "they gave me my first break in the league. Even though things didn't end great, I'll always be in debt to them for picking a kid out of Buffalo fourth overall." This statement stung the people of Cleveland, who hoped for him to reveal some personal failing that would cushion the blow of losing him. To his dying day they yearned for some admission of criminality, or at least racially charged taunting. Something, anything...

5. Oakland Raiders: Sammy Watkins (June 14, 1993-July 30, 2014)

Former Clemson Wide Receiver Sammy Watkins disappeared into the Black Hole today. He was 21. 

Though talented and well-liked, with a promising career ahead of him, life dealt a cruel blow when he was taken fifth overall in the NFL Draft by the Oakland Raiders. Despite knowing he only had a few months left on this earth, friends and coaches say he remained upbeat to end; immersing himself in strength and conditioning, as well as position specific drills and film study. 

With the commencement of Raiders training camp, he was finally claimed by the little-understood gravitational phenomenon which has disappeared talented football players such as Randy Moss, Darren McFadden, and Charles Woodson. 

Though his demise is tragic, physicists speculate there may be hope for Watkins. Through an inobservable boson field known as 'the trade market' a career once lost to the Black Hole can reacquire mass by passing through known wormholes located in New England, Green Bay, Denver, and Seattle. 

6. Atlanta Falcons: No selection made. Thomas Dimitroff trades the sixth overall pick, a conditional second-rounder in 2015, plus his soul to Satan, so that Tony Gonzalez may be forever young.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Mike Evans (August 21, 1993-October 15, 2017)

Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Mike Evans died today, succumbing to wounds suffered from a accidental discharge of Raymond James Stadium's naval artillery. 

Since being drafted in 2014, Evans had become an invaluable part of Tampa Bay's offense, where his combination of speed and size made him a constant big-play threat. These talents were on display during Sunday's game against the Carolina Panthers, when he caught the go-ahead touchdown on a difficult back-shoulder throw. 

Landing awkwardly on the play, Evans was slow to clear the field. Unaware of this, Captain Fear, Commander of the Buccaneer Cove Surface Squadron ordered a celebratory volley. Evans was struck 7 times by grapeshot from the pirate ship's 32 lbs. carronades. Though no major blood vessels were severed, EMT's were unable to stem the profuse bleeding and vital organ damage. He was pronounced dead on arrival at Royal Tampa Hospital. 

In the days since the tragedy, Evans is already being viewed as a martyr for cannon safety in the United States. The Evans family will be donating the remainder of his 2014 salary to the American Federation for Sensible Heavy Ordinance Policy. The group has already renamed a draft of it's controversial cannon control legislation 'Mike's Law;' and would restrict civilian sales of antique artillery to culverins and demi-culverins.  
  

8. Minnesota Vikings: Jimmy Garroppolo (November 2, 1991-May 17, 2055)

Jimmy Garroppolo died in a single car traffic accident last evening. He was 63 years old. 

He is fondly remembered as the former quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings. Holding the eighth pick of the 2014 draft, the Vikings had several options to choose from. However, General Manager Rick Spielman happened to see Garroppolo's episode of Gruden's QB Camp, in which the beloved broadcaster referred to him as 'the Italian Stallion.' Enamored of the nickname, Spielman had his man. 

Over the course of his playing career, Garroppolo would live up to his fictitious nick-namesake. At least the part about taking savage beatings, and retiring due to brain damage. 

9. Buffalo Bills: Jake Matthews (February 11, 1992-April 17, 2080)

Jake Matthews died after a short battle with pancreatic cancer at the age of 88. I think he was Clay's brother or something... Anyways, no seems to have much to say about him, so he must have been a pretty good left tackle. 

10. Detroit Lions: Yoshi (November 21, 1990-January 18, 2019)

Beloved Nintendo character Yoshi died suddenly yesterday at the age of 28. He was best known for his appearances with the Super Mario, Mario Kart, Super Smash Brothers, and Detroit Lions franchises. 

Bored and unfulfilled in his other competitive endeavors, Yoshi entered the NFL Draft in 2014. Having spent years acquiring Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, and Reggie Bush, the Lions took Yoshi 10th overall to complete their video game offense. 

Yoshi's flutter jump, and sticky prehensile tongue made him an impossible cover for human defensive backs. Though the Lions never won a Super Bowl, they did set several high scores. 

Though cause of death is not yet established, it is believed to have been caused by a poisoned melon.

My Next Great Restaurant Concept: Wager

The dining scene in this country has never been more popular or competitive as it is now. Almost a decade into the Top Chef era, and nearly 20 years since Iron Chef (the REAL one) blew our minds, America's culinary literacy has never been higher.

That doesn't mean we are more sophisticated about food. We just think we are. As a result, we respond to concepts that play to this vanity.

Take food trucks. They're like fast food joints with the ambiance of a dirty street corner, and sit-down prices. The convenience and value are dubious, and the hours are erratic. However, for those who like their pozole served by a white hipster in a $1,000/sq. ft. neighborhood, there's nothing like buying it from a running truck (don't these people pride themselves on eco-awareness?) to make them feel like edgy barrio dwellers.

My new restaurant concept is all about harnessing ego.

It's called Wager, and the menu is nothing but dishes one would only eat on a drunken dare. Here's a sample tasting menu:

Appetizer: Raw radishes garnished with our house habeñero salsa.

Soup: Geoduck stew

Entree: A 72 oz. sirloin, cooked so as to just take the chill off.

Dessert: An 8 oz. bar of 98% cacao chocolate.

This menu plays to the full range of drunken bravado. The appetizer is actively hostile. The soup is made from something that looks like a giant penis. The entree is a classic challenge food. As for the dessert, consumers have come to equate high cacao content with quality, and hence, will claim to like the chocolate, even though it tastes like ass.

Wager's hours will run from 10:00 PM-4:30 AM. The decor will be minimal, and bolted down. If you finish your meal in under an hour, it's free. Best of all, the maitre d will double as the house bookie, and will take bets on what your fellow diners can scarf down.

I think this could work, if only as a pop-up.  

Another Double-Shot of Revisions to the American Vernacular

Over the summer, I posted a double-shot of revisions to the American English Vernacular. They were well received, so I'm back at it. First, a word to be dropped from the lexicon.

Selfie

Selfie is a newish term used to describe a self-portrait taken with a smartphone camera; frequently for the purpose of posting on social media. It has come into particular vogue after incidents such as Ellen Degeneres' mass-selfie-of-the-stars from this year's Academy Awards, and David Ortiz's photo-ambush of President Obama.

I don't like the term 'selfie' because it's pointless Photographic self-portraiture is almost as old as photography itself. This is the first 'selfie' ever taken:

The man pictured is Robert Cornelius. He took this daguerreotype of himself in 1839. When the Oxford English Dictionary named 'selfie' its Word of the Year for 2013, it traced the first known usage to an Australian online forum in 2002. That is a span of 163 years in which no distinct term was needed. What changed?

The obvious answer is social media, which provides an easy outlet for amateur photography, so making self-portraiture a popular form of expression. With popularity comes the desire for contraction, hence 'self-portrait' becomes 'selfie.'

False novelty is one thing. My greater issue with the word is how juvenile it sounds. Anything that ends in a hard 'E' reeks of faddishness. Self-portraiture is a timeless art form, and the language that describes it should reflect that. 'Selfie' needs to go.

A word to be added:

Reaganbeat

This is a word to describe popular music in general which dates to the Reagan Administration. Today it's known as 80's music, but that term is too bland and non-specific.

The foundational artists of Reaganbeat did all their significant work after President Carter left office, but before the fall of the Berlin Wall. This means acts as wide ranging as Madonna, Prince, Huey Lewis and the News, Motley Crue, Run-DMC, Luther Vandross, Whitesnake, Wham!, The Go-Go's, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Duran Duran, Hall and Oates and many others can be considered Reaganbeat.

However, there are artists with a Reaganbeat sound do not qualify. The greatest example is Michael Jackson, whose creative prime ran from the late 60's with the Jackson 5 to Will You Be There? from the soundtrack to Free Willy. For this reason, he transcends the confines of Reaganbeat, despite his deep stylistic influence. Van Halen and U2 are not counted for the same reason.

Despite the current 1989 cutoff, I may yet add the first Bush Administration to the Reaganbeat era. This would include acts such as Warrant, Winger, and Paula Abdul. While most of their success came after the Reagan Administration, their work is based on, and bears no stylistic distinction from those big-haired innovators who composed the score to Morning in America.

This passage highlights the descriptive advantages that 'Reaganbeat' has over '80's music.'

Though once ridiculed as superficial and excessive, Reaganbeat has proved influential on popular music in the last 25 years. Lady Gaga's style is indebted to Reganbeat pioneers such as Madonna, and the Eurythmics, while Bruno Mars owes his vocal approach to SDI-era balladeers such as Peabo Bryson and Terrance Trent D'Arby. On the hip-hop side of things, MC's are rediscovering and integrating the techniques of Reganbeat rhymers like Grandmaster Flash, Public Enemy, and even The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Though President Reagan is no longer with us, the music of his Administration carries on like a Thousand Points of Light. 

Eat your heart out, Peggy Noonan.

Oh, and enjoy this Reaganbeat classic. 

My Life As a Small-Time Musical Genius: The Quest for Cosmic Bass

The lowest recorded frequency in the universe was observed in 2003 by British astrophysicist Andrew Fabian using the Chandra X-Ray telescope.

It was produced by the electromagnetic rumblings of a black hole at the center of the Perseus Cluster. The 1.6e-15 Hz note is a B-flat 57 octaves below middle C (252 Hz).

That's some serious low-end. As a musician who struggles to find new dimensions of heaviness, introducing black hole bass into my compositions could drop them to a yet uncharted Level of Hell.

Theory has its limits, though. The lower bound of human hearing is about 20 Hz. Frequencies below this threshold are known as sub-bass. Though inaudible, their pressure waves pack a solid thump, which is why they are popular in EDM genres.

Unfortunately for Perseus' prospects as a hit maker, its wavelength is 1.87e+23m. For comparison, the average distance from the Sun to Pluto is a mere 5.91e+12m. Talk about a slow jam...

The good news for terrestrial musicians is that bass is more than just pitch.

Take a close listen to this Motown classic for an example of how bass changes everything, even in a light number.

This super-funky bass line was laid down by Motown session ace, James Jamerson. Considered one of the greatest electric bass players of all time, Jamerson's playing was fearless and inventive at a time when common practice was to turn it down and sheepishly plug away on roots and fifths.

Unfortunately, the legacy of James Jamerson is hard to find on the charts today. Derivative four-on-the-floor rhythms rule Top 40. Modern rock bass is watered down to: 1) Buy a 5-string. 2) Tune it down. 3) Sling it low. 5) Bang away like no one can here you (because they can't). Musical sophistication in hip-hop and R&B has been undermined by decades of sampling, and the emergence of crude 'beats' over real instrumentation.

At this point it's only fair to mention the exceptions. Here is a list of some great contemporary bass players who make the last paragraph look stupid: Victor Wooten, Billy Sheehan, Gary Willis, Richard Bona, John Myung, Sharay Reed, Bryan Beller. There are many others, but this will get you started. No Stu Hamm and Marcus Miller, you don't make the list, because bassists with shaky timing are useless. 

All this said, I still haven't solved my original problem: how to develop heavier music. Bass guitar isn't the only route. As a natural baritone, my own voice presents an answer, but my limited vocal fundamentals make for erratic results.

My working hypothesis is that the answer is in rhythm. Much as James Jamerson countered Little Michael's high, smooth vocals with churning eight and sixteenth notes, my own goal as an arranger is to flesh out the rhythmic spaces in the song, and the let the harmonies develop from there. It's not a new insight, but pulling original jams from ancient ideas is the backbone of great music. At least until we can harness the power of a black hole.

If I ever do record the heaviest song ever, you, my readers will be the first to hear it.  

PT's Pick for Throwback Jam of the Spring

As the weather gets warmer, the hype grows for this year's "Summer Festival Season." Anchored by events such as SXSW, Bonnaroo, Coachella, and Lollapalooza, SFS is an old-fashioned way for musicians and their labels to profit in an age when all the good songs are on YouTube for free.

As the music industry has grown more seasonal, content producers and consumers alike have become fixated with what this year's "Song of the Summer" will be. Traditionally, this is an upbeat, light-hearted arrangement, with a rythmic, sturdy hook.

Of course it is. Summer is a simple season of simple pleasures and has songs to match. 

What interests me is why other seasons don't have "Songs." Winter is the closest, but usually it's a novelty track from a celebrity Christmas album. Picking songs for the other three seasons is difficult, which is why Psychoeuphorology Today is taking up the challenge.

After all, no gets Michelin stars for cooking a nice ribeye.

For spring, I've chosen to go with a throwback jam. After all, most of the recent releases have summer in mind.

I've picked the 1998 classic, Back That Azz Up by Juvenile.

Like spring itself, the song is subtle and forward-looking. It marks the first significant exposure for a teenage Lil' Wayne. Furthermore, the video is prescient in understanding the democratization of music which would mark the coming decade.

By setting it at a local New Orleans-area concert, it anticipates the renewed emphasis on massive live spectacles that underpin the festival concept.

Furthermore, though Back That Azz Up was released in during the Golden Age of Video Ho's (1915- Present), the video features local women of varying attractiveness in street clothes, united in their desire to Back That Azz Up. Furthering Juvenile's feminist heroics is his use of consensual syntax. He asks of women, "won't you back that azz up?'

This aspect is poignant on the heels of Blurred Lines, in which Robin Thicke suggests he likes to date-rape models.

Back That Azz Up is a song for today and every day. Oh, and in case you missed this in all the high-mindedness, it's kind of a banger.  

The Huskies Win!/ Were Karmically Rewarded for Honestly Reporting their Academic Shortcomings.

During the post-game celebration last night, University of Connecticut point guard Shabazz Napier caused a stir by announcing to the crowd,

"Ladies and gentlemen, you're looking at the hungry Huskies. This is what happens when you ban us. Last year, two years, we worked so hard for it..."

Speak for New England, Shabazz!

Thought his boldness can be written off as empty emotion, what Napier said summarized the anger, and now vindication that the University of Connecticut and its fans have felt in the past two years.

Last year, Connecticut was banned from the NCAA tournament due to its poor Academic Progress Report (APR). This metric aggregates classroom performance and graduation rate amongst a program's athletes to judge whether they're meeting off-court standards.

It was an embarrassment for a state the values education, and a university with a strong academic reputation. 

Connecticut deserved the sanctions. However, those who follow college basketball tend to ignore the deeper implication: The University of Connecticut is an honest when it comes to its athletes.

By now, its an open secret that big-time college basketball programs take advantage of lax regulation and complicit faculty to boost the grades of middling students. In the past month, the University of North Carolina has come under scrutiny following the release of a juvenile, 146-word 'essay' on Rosa Parks, which contributed to one student-athlete receiving an A-minus for an introductory course in African-American Studies. 

In fairness to the NCAA, it did drop the hammer on UNC's football program in 2012. Though the salient violations were for impermissible benefits, they did include one count of academic fraud.

The program was not punished for poor grades; it was punished for lying.

In a twisted way, Connecticut was punished for telling the truth. Rather than create an academically bankrupt program meant to perpetuate the NCAA's myth of the student-athlete, UConn held its players to real collegiate standards. Connecticut does things the right way, even when that means admitting wrongdoing. Its players are real students, and for this reason, it is a worthy champion of college basketball.

Shabazz Napier was hit hard by last year's sanctions, but that frustration fueled him to work harder. One year later, he has a second national championship, and a legitimate degree in Sociology to show for it.

Can the Uconn Huskies Really Win This Thing? Yes!

Despite being an imbalanced, undersized team that over-relies on its best player, the University of Connecticut Huskies are only two wins away from their fourth national championship.

Coach Kevin Ollie has done a fine job playing to his team's strengths. The Huskies have fielded a strong defense all season thanks to the rim protection afforded by the center tandem of Phillip Nolan and Amidah Brimah. Having an athletic 7-footer on the court for most of the game allows an otherwise small team to pressure the ball, and disrupt plays before they develop.

On offense, the versatile scoring of DeAndre Daniels and Ryan Boatright, and underrated facilitating from Niels Giffey have made it difficult for opponents to key in on the team's centerpiece, point guard Shabazz Napier.

On top of this, the Huskie's superior foul shooting makes them a tough out late in games. Several years ago, the coaching staff adopted an unusual approach towards practicing free throws, inspired by Steve Nash. In their last two games against Iowa State and Michigan State they are 41-44 from the foul line. That comes out to 93%, right around the 90% career average of the Greatest Living Canadian.

How do you make the Final Four against heavily favored opposition? Just learn to do this. 

Though these factors contribute, the Huskies will win a national championship because of Shabazz Napier. Just not for the reason everyone thinks. 

Though Napier's scoring has carried the team, he is an imperfect offensive player. He is still developing as a passer, and sometimes forces plays that aren't there. His lack of size and athleticism makes him inconsistent around the rim, despite his long highlight reel. In an eerie parallel with Kemba Walker's championship season (2010-11), Napier only shoots 43% from the field.

What Napier really brings is confidence and maturity. At the college level, mental discipline is a premium skill, most common in third and fourth year players. Observers chalk this up to experience, but the cause is more profound than that.

Players undergo tremendous brain development from their late teens to their early twenties. By their senior year, many players have acquired advanced mental skills such as foresight and impulse control that are well beyond those of even the most talented freshmen.

In this regard Napier is a superior player. His approach is consistent, regardless of the score, or his own performance. He attacks the rim, because drawing fouls has an impact beyond one possession. Most of all, he sets an example that his team can follow.

Upperclassmen like DeAndre Daniles, Niels Giffey, and Ryan Boatright are not as consistent scorers, but they don't let cold shooting take them out of their game. More importantly, it does not deter them from playing tough, active defense, often against larger players.

This is the Shabazz Napier's biggest impact. Like Kemba Walker before him, he has his team playing like young men, not jittery teenagers.