Poutine vs. Disco Fries: Everyone's a Winner With This Late Night Recipe

 In the past several years poutine has caught on in the northern United States. This trend has raised the profile of our national analog, disco fries.

Though debate rages about the intricate aspects of each, they share the same three components: french fries, gravy, and cheese.

In Quebec, this means fries topped with a thin beef gravy and cheese curds. Though no one is certain of the word's origin, 'poutine' seems to derive from regional French colloquialisms which have different particular meanings, but generally translate as 'a disgusting mess on plate.' 

Every time I talk to a real French person about poutine, they respond with the same sneering horror. Hence, I favor this etymology over less visceral theories.

Disco fries tend to use a thicker (often instant) gravy and melted cheddar or mozzarella. The best I know, its name derives from its popularity in the 1970's after a long night of booze, Bee-Gees, and blow.

In the spirit of international harmony, I've created this quick and easy recipe which combines the best aspects of both. In lieu of a better name, I call the NAFTA fries.

-1 bag frozen french fries, traditional or waffle cut.
-1 jar of quality beef gravy (Get the good kind. Go on, treat yourself! Or use homemade if you have that)
-1 tsp dried tarragon
-1 tsp fresh ground black pepper
-2 cups shredded sharp cheddar

1) Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Bake the fries until deep brown, but not burnt. Plate the fries.
2) Bring the gravy to a simmer. Add the tarragon and black pepper, and stir.
3) Cover the fries with the cheddar.
4) Pour the gravy over the fries and cheddar. If desired, finish with a pinch of fleur de sel and a grind of black pepper over the top. 

This recipe combines the superior melt of American cheddar, with the richer flavor of the Canadian gravy. It is best served with a season of House on Netflix at 2 AM.

Ideas for Renaming the Washington Redskins That Acutally Work

With the U.S Patent and Trademark office revoking the Washington professional football team's trademark on the name 'Redskins,' there has never been a better time for owner Daniel Snyder to reconsider his choice of nickname.

Right now nothing is imminent. For one thing, a public browbeating from politicians, writers, and celebrities crying crocodile tears on behalf of the Native Americans is a bad way to convince a proud billionaire who holds all the leverage. Furthermore, it ignores the ramifications or renaming. If not, Redskins; then what? 

The last thing Snyder wants is to undermine the brand equity of his eighty-year old franchise. He knows that the Redskins are more than a name. The Redskins are Sammy Baugh, George Allen, the Hogs, and three Super Bowl victories.

More than that, the Redskins are a passionate, loyal fan base. Much like the Bears and Packers, Washington and its fans value their identity as one of the league's most historic teams.

A new name has to evoke gravitas and local pride. Keeping the burgundy and gold is a must.

In the worst case, a name change brings in an aesthetic fitting an expansion team in a tertiary market. The team's name and on-field look would have no connection to the area. The team would seem like a fly-by-night arena outfit. Washington would be stuck with the second coming of the Jacksonville Jaguars.

It can't be some cheap, trendy, focus-grouped nonsense. It can't be a collective singular. As good as they are on the court, the Miami Heat and Oklahoma City Thunder sound like girls' soccer teams.

Here are a few ideas.

The Senators: It invokes the memory of Washington's former Major League Baseball team. The connection to the federal government makes good local sense. It's a good, though unoriginal fit.

The Gravers: This is a nod to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing, which operated one of the few major manufacturing facilities in the City of Washington at the time of the team's founding. The name is historic and locally appropriate. It fits in with other old-guard franchises such as the Packers and Steelers, who drew their original teams from the local workforce.

Check out this picture of the plant, circa 1918. A rare example of industrial elegance. 

The Potomacs: What better way to represent all of Washington than to name the team after the river? Like 'Gravers,' it sounds like it could have been the team's name from the beginning. This is my favorite because it represents the city in the past, present, and future. 

It's Been a Week, and No, I Haven't Finished Orange is the New Black

 
Although it was released a week ago, I'm only on the fourth episode of Orange is the New Black. I know I wrote about my excitement for this season last time, but... something happened.

As I was looking down the episode list, I realized that each one ranges from 50 minutes to an hour in length.

And really, who has the time?

This thought reminded me of a 2009 interview with Bitter Old Coot (and occasional novelist) Philip Roth. When asked about his prediction that novels would no longer be read in 25 years, he answered:

I was being optimistic about 25 years really. No, I think it’s going to be cultic. I think always people will be reading them, but it’ll be a small group of people — maybe more people than now read Latin poetry, but somewhere in that range… It’s the print. That’s the problem. It’s the book. It’s the object itself. To read a novel requires a certain kind of concentration, focus, devotion to the reading. If you read a novel in more than two weeks, you don’t read the novel really. So I think that that kind of concentration, and focus, and attentiveness, is hard to come by. It’s hard to find huge numbers of people, or large numbers of people or significant numbers of people who have those qualities.

This is how I'm coming to feel about long-form television. Though I don't have to watch a whole episode in one sitting, Roth is right that breaking focus takes something away from the experience.

A 50 minute episode of OTNB may be only 6 minutes longer than an episode of, say CSI (minus commercials), but that difference is big in a show which requires undivided attention. I can nod off to Royal Pains and not miss a beat, but if I miss a line or two of a Piper monologue, I need to rewind.

Have shows like OTNB doomed themselves to cultic irrelevance? Maybe, but I choose to look at the possibilities the Internet offers. Streaming television undermines the relevance of time formats. Though cheap acting, and no broadcast schedule may invite longer episodes; I think it's a matter of time before some visionary rediscovers the power of concision. My prediction: Netflix's next big hit will run 30 minute or less episodes.

The Internet can be a powerful creative tool if you let it. My current non-fiction project, The Concise Companion to Tax Lien Investing, figures to be around 10,000 words when finished. In the past, this would have been unpublishable. It's way too short for a book. That doesn't matter anymore. With online self-publishing, I can make it as long or short as it needs to be. The shape of media in the 21st Century remains undefined, but this sort of freedom is its greatest virtue. 

'Orange is the New Black' Season 2: Pre-Thoughts

Last July, I wrote that Orange is the New Black has two good seasons in it, and that any more would push the premise beyond its limits. I still feel that way, and we'll see if I'm right on Friday, when Season 2 is released on Netflix.

The show's bold characters are both its strength and weakness. Unlike other recent classics like Breaking Bad or Mad Men in which subtle characters arcs blend and develop over time, ONB places combustible elements under pressure. If the show doesn't explode soon, the whole thing may fizzle.

This is similar to the problem of creator Jenji Kohan's previous show Weeds, which featured eccentric, aggressive characters in extreme situations. Though those characters made strong impacts, they ran out quickly, even as the show plodded on five seasons too long.

Breaking Bad nailed the graceful exit; ending its run at the height of its popularity with a satisfying mix of closure and ambiguity. Hopefully ONB can come close. Working in its favor is Piper's short prison sentence. Her release is a natural endpoint, after which there is no reason to carry on.

Even though I've spent this post burying the show before its dead, I really am looking forward to it. I'll watch it all this weekend, and I'll see you on the other side.

Is Dying Justin Bieber's Only Move?

Bieber Fever is on the wane.

Lost in all the arrests, headlines, and celebrity beeves is the fact that Justin Bieber is no longer a relevant pop singer. His latest album, 2013's Journals peaked at #46 on the Billboard Album Chart, despite aggressive social media promotion.

Once upon a time, Bieber was the Next Justin Timberlake; a fresh-faced sweetheart of a young man with an earnest, lyric voice, and charm to match.

That's all gone. This altercation is just the latest episode in JB's devolution.

Justin Timberlake used his time as a teen idol to build connections and industry goodwill that would become the foundation of a long, successful career.

Justin Bieber can't stop pissing everyone off.

The good news is that there is a way for him to turn things around.

Unfortunately, that way is to die. Tragically.

Elvis is often cited as a singer for whom dying was his best career move. That isn't quite correct, though. By 1977, Elvis was fading, but still commercially relevant.

The better parallel is Amy Winehouse. In life, she was the Next Big Thing whose limited musical and thematic range rendered her a flash-in-the-pan. Then she died. Tragically.

Overnight, her legacy became that of a tortured artist not meant for the world.

Bieber can take the same route. Were he to OD tomorrow, his lukewarm chart performance will be spun as musical vision beyond what the public could handle. His misbehavior will be written off as the anguished writhing of a beautiful mind.

While Psychoeuphorology Today would never actually endorse such as waste of human life, Bieber's management team may want to consider what is really best for their client.

Finally, A Workable Definition of Hipster

Hipster (n): A person who does not understand what the word irony actually means.

This is a broad stroke definition which does not delve into the many nuances of hipsterdom, but provides a baseline commonality.

Hipsters frequently use the words 'irony' or 'ironic' to describe their culture or lifestyle.

For the record: irony (n): 1) the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite; typically for humorous or emphatic effect. 2) a state of affairs or event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.

Hipsters tend to have weak or malformed senses of humor, so the first definition rarely applies. As for the second, at this point, hipster eccentricities have calcified into a rigid orthodoxy of their own. Hence, their is no contrary or unexpected element to who they are or what they do.

In summary, wearing thick glasses is not ironic; it's just a fashion choice.

Me vs. The Spanish Language: The Three Things I've Learned so Far

Continuing what has become a yearly tradition, this Spring I am resuming my study of the Spanish language. Without formal instruction or steady practice, it has been difficult for me to improve. However, I learn a little more each time I try.

Through experience, these are the three most useful insights I've stumbled on:

1) No one actually wants to talk to you

Native speakers are usually impatient to help a novice limp his way through a conversation about the weather. It's understandable. If they are going to listen to something that tedious, they should at least get paid.

When I get the chance to speak Spanish, I keep my words limited and situation. Next time you are at your favorite Mexican joint, order en español. One or two questions may be appropriate (como se dice 'watermelon juice?'), but don't badger them.

2) Learn the vocabulary you want/need

On the advice of an Argentinian acquaintance, I tried to improve my comprehension by watching telenovelas. It didn't work very well, but in reading the channel guide descriptions, I managed to pick up on some common vocabulary. In particular, vengar (to take revenge), venganza (vengeance), and asesinar (to murder) were prominent. As they are juicy, interesting words, I've retained them more easily than I have the subdivisions of the Spanish postal system. Pursue your interests and let the language work for you.

3) Develop consistency

In the past, this has been my weakest language learning skill, which is why I am prioritizing it this year. As with every skill, 5 good minutes of practice every day is better than erratic bursts of study, even if those sessions go on much longer.  

The other component of consistency is focus. I begin each study session by identifying what I want to accomplish that day. It may be a certain vocabulary, grammatical concept, or even a brief translation. 

Furthermore, I have bookmarked the homepage for El País, a Spanish daily newspaper which covers the entire Latin World and beyond. Every day, I read one article. Considering my limited access to Spanish speakers, this is one of my best methods for building vocabulary, and exposing myself to real Spanish.