In Light of the Current Standard of Reason... A New Solution to the Federal Shutdown

In the last few weeks we have witnessed something rare in American politics. The Federal Shutdown, which was expected to be a crippling embarrassment to Democrats, Republicans, and the nation at large... has been just that. In this way, a nation once seemingly torn apart by partisan bickering has found common ground in its anger. 

Congratulations, America!

But before we write off this Congress as hopeless, let's take a look at our role in this mess. After all, We The People are the most schizophrenic, under/mis informed, and needy special interest group of them all. We elect Congressmen to represent our erratic will, so why should we be surprised by the results. Right now we hate them for being uncompromising, but let's face it, if they brokered a sensible deal we'd run them out office as spineless backsliders.  

You just can't win with the American people. 

I propose we help our Congressmen out:

1) It's clear that thoughtful contemplation is pointless in contemporary political culture. Therefore, the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool should be paved over to create the National Dueling Grounds: An open air arena with a 100'x60' grass dueling pitch. At the long ends will be 10' high earthen berms, along the sides will be seating for every member of Congress, the President, his Cabinet, and the Supreme Court. 

2) A quick draft of the 28th Amendment: At any time, whether or not Congress is in session, any member of Congress shall have the power to challenge any other to a duel to the death in order to resolve the business of the Congress. The challenging member must be seconded. The challenged member may choose their second, or have one appointed by the Supreme Court. The duel must take place within 48 hours of the challenge at the National Dueling Grounds. It shall be held at noon of that day, and decided with pistols at 20 paces. Each combatant shall have 10 shots. The challenged member shall choose his end of the pitch. Should both participants survive the duel, a winner will be chosen through simple majority by Twitter poll.

3) A matching set of Colt 1911 .45 caliber pistols will be commissioned, and kept by a non-partisan Congressional Armorer. Upon election, each member of Congress shall have custom tactical grips made to fit their hands, which will be fitted by the armorer when needed. The pistols will be nickel-clad and engraved with glorious scenes from America's past. They will officially be known as the Filiblasters. 

We've seen that the threat of disgrace and embarrassment won't make Congress act. But perhaps the Specter of Death will move them. 

Breaking Down Tim Tebow's Chances in the Ministry, Plus a Bonus Six-Pack on NFL Week 1

The 2013-14 NFL regular season is two weeks old, and Tim Tebow is still a free agent. Although he insists he is still in hot pursuit an NFL quarterbacking job, his two month stint as a New England Patriot was probably his last, best shot. His fans have always known he would have a productive life after football. It's just coming up sooner than expected.

Given his passion for spreading the Gospel, vocational ministry seems like a good fit. But does he have the right stuff, or will his football struggles follow him to the pulpit?

First, take a few minutes to review the Combine interview.

Now let's size him up at a few different positions:

1) Televangelist

On the surface this makes sense. It's a high-charisma job with large crowds to feed off. In the video you just watched, his comfort on the big stage is obvious. Better still, theological consistency doesn't matter; which is critical for someone with erratic fundamentals. After all, Joel Osteen became the biggest preacher in America by mixing Southern Baptism, Old-School Calvinism, and Eric Cartman-style prosperity gospel; then supercharging it with a winning smile.

However, I don't think this is the best fit for Tebow. In the Combine tape, it's clear he relishes the personal connections he forms with his flock. These relationships are the backbone of his moral authority. After all, he kept Aaron Hernandez relatively in line for three years. Even Bill Belichick couldn't do that.

Televangelising takes him off the front lines, which negates his greatest strength.

2) Catholic Priest

Considering that Tebow is a Southern Baptist, this one seems out of the cards. However, changing denominations could be his best route to personal and professional development.

His father Bob Tebow, has spent over 20 years doing missionary work in the Philippines; work that Tim has deep involvement in. It's important stuff too. In the words of the Bob Tebow Foundation, "Of the 86 million Filipinos, we estimate that over 65 million have never once heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ."

What better way to start turning things around than to master the Christless faith held by 80% of the locals: Roman Catholicism.

Tim's penchants for sexual abstinence and genuflection are a good start. Plus, joining the Priesthood would have trickle down benefits.

It's no leap to assume his quarterbacking struggles have their intellectual roots in Southern Baptism. It's stripped down clerical structure, belief in church autonomy, and insistence on individual conversion just doesn't prepare young men for the complicated, hyper-regimented, toe-the-line, move with one mind nature of an NFL offense.

The Catholic Church gives Tebow the grounding in organizational discipline he never had, along with the most Byzantine playbook known to man (settle down theology geeks! It's just an expression). If he can pick apart Meister Eckhart, the Ryan brothers don't stand a chance.

You might think this is nuts, but consider another strong-armed, scatter-balling southpaw. Michael Vick was removed from society for a year and half and somehow emerged as an accurate passer who now helms one of the league's most progressive, difficult offenses. A monastic stint could be just the thing to make Tebow the next great Catholic passer in the mold of Tom Brady, Dan Marino, and Joe Montana.

3) Christian Rocker

As far as I know Tebow has no serious musical background. Furthermore, starting a Christian rock band would mean throwing in the towel on football.

BUT

In the music business, succeeding on 47% of your attempts makes you the Second Coming of Elvis.


BONUS! SIX PACK OF THOUGHTS THROUGH WEEK 2 OF THE 2013-14 NFL SEASON

1) The Miami Dolphins uniform change is a disaster. The old uniforms oozed rackish 60's cool. The team's current logo looks like Free Willy after being beached for a week. The lettering must have been borrowed from a minor league soccer team.

2) Marc Trestman's seditious foreign influence is being felt. Not only are the Bears 2-0 with his edgy metric offense, but other teams are taking pages from the playbook of the Great White North. For a few years the sports media has foamed at the mouth about how the NFL has become a school-yard passing league. I think Bill Belichick has explained it better on several occasions by pointing out that today's game is played more in space. Horizontal concepts are becoming more important whether through run or pass. With that in mind, the success of wide field veterans such as Trestman, and players like Cameron Wake and Brandon Browner is no surprise.

3) It's strange to think that just a few years ago, Ndamukong Suh was one of the most popular players in the league. Remember when he was doing Subway commercials with Justin Tuck and Michael Phelps? How about his maudlin cruise through Portland in a Chrysler? With his current reputation it's hard to see him landing a high profile campaign again.

4) Being a starting quarterback in the NFL is a double-edged sword. When your team wins, you're showered in glory. When your team loses, you shoulder disproportionate blame. Unless you're Tony Romo, in which case you'll be blamed in any event. Every sane measure of quarterback play suggests that Romo is an above-average player who has spent his career dragging an undercoached, usually banged-up roster with no depth into relevance.

The best outcome is for the Cowboys to cut Romo at the end of the season. Given the weak market for over-30 starters, he'll probably settle for a backup job on a stacked team. Then when Russell Wilson/Colin Kaepernick/Matt Schaub/whoever goes down, Romo captains a brilliant Super-Bowl campaign in which he isn't running for his life every other play, and doesn't need three touchdowns to tie in every other fourth quarter.

On the other side, the Cowboys get a huge dead-money crater from Romo's accelerated cap hit. With that plus the dazed head coaching of Jason Garrett, and an incoherent roster of scrubs who squander the efforts of Demarcus Ware, Sean Lee, Dez Bryant, et. al. Dallas falls into the Number 1 pick of the 2015 Draft which it will use on Jamarcus Russell. This will confirm what we all thought: Al Davis' soul has found a natural home in the vessel of Jerry Jones

5) Wes Welker has already made some nice plays for the Denver Broncos, but against the Giants, he did have several drops, and against Baltimore, he muffed a punt return. In light of this, New England's decision to move on makes sense. Welker is still productive, but slot/middle of the field receivers don't age, so much as they fall of a cliff. Remember T.J. Houshmandzadeh? He got a big contract from Seattle after his age 31 season and lasted a year before falling into obscurity. Welker is better than Housh, but his diminished ball catching skills may be a symptom that the wear and tear is catching up.

Still, the arrangement works for everyone. Denver fills a hole in its offense, Welker comes to a team where he can crack wise in front of the cameras, and New England saves a 2014 roster spot for the guy they really want: Emmanuel Sanders

6) After starting 0-2, the Giants are becoming a trendy Super Bowl pick. After all, this team has not played well with the weight of expectation. The 2008 Giants followed a 12-4 regular season by losing a Divisional Round game in which they didn't score a touchdown. Last years Giants didn't even make the playoffs. With any hopes for this team fading, it has drawn comparisons to 2007, in which they started 0-2 before going on to win the Super Bowl.

I don't see it. The 2007 team was talented, but took some time to find it's stride. Between injuries, free-agent losses, and weak drafting, this team just doesn't have the horses. Sometimes, when no one believes in you... there's a reason.  

Psychoeuphorology Today's Wild West Road Show Part I: Only the Best Come North

Good morning from Minot, North Dakota.

If you're a fan of Mutually Assured Destruction, you know it for Minot Air Force Base, home of the 91st Missile Wing of the USAF, which is charged with keeping the world in the crosshairs of our Minutemen III ICBMs.

But if you're a petrochemical enthusiast, you know it as the great metropolis of the Bakken Oil Shale, which has only recently begun yielding oil and natural gas thanks to the wonders of hydrofracking.

It's the second reason that brought me here. Sort of.

The oil boom in Western North Dakota has put a strain on the region's infrastructure in every regard. My purpose here is to take a look at investments in housing for the booming population to see if they make sense for me; a slick talking Easterner who can't slick talk his way around the high prices and weak returns of the Northeastern real estate markets.

So far it looks promising. Conservative estimates suggest at least 30 years of hydrocarbon extraction, and the short construction season makes it hard to saturate the demand-heavy housing market in a timely way. As developers build cheap, fast, and low-density, housing prices should remain high (comparable to Manhattan for renters!) for the forseeable future.

My first impressions are mostly pleasant. I thought I was coming to the asshole of the world. I read Son of the Morning Star, and I was expecting horseflies the size of my fist, dust-storms, and suffocating heat. In the words of the USAF fact sheet, "Yes, it can get cold in the winter, but it also gets very warm during the summer." I've lucked out though. The forecast for my trip is sunny and 80 degrees.

Having lived in the Midwest, this place seems like Illinois, but more so. It's flatter, the people are nicer, and the service is slower, as I learned trying to get a cab from the airport.

The main street of Minot is Broadway. Driving it end to end tells you most of what you need to know about the people of this city:

1. Their favorite pastime is Lutheranism.
2. The principle form of nightlife is the Lounge Casino (more on that in a bit).
3. Minot is known as the Magic City.
4. Most fast food places are open 24 hours.

Last night, I acquainted myself with the lounge casino concept by completing the Dirty Old Man Triple Crown:

1. I went bowling alone, and rolled a 74!.
2. Hung out alone in an bar, where even the bartenders won't talk to me. It's owned by a Yankees fan. Being from Minot, he could go with any MLB team he wanted. He choose the one with the most tacky framed merchandise.
3. I played $1 blackjack, sponsored by the Minot Junior Golf Association. The chips feature a cartoon mouse holding a flag that says 'Wee Links.' The dealers wear a shirt with the same emblem.

... all at the same establishment.

In future installments, you'll hear all about my adventures in the Upper Plains, such as: tackling the Faulkneresque social structures of rural North Dakota, saving Dacotah culture, winning back my dollar blackjack losses, and reviewing the best Buffalo Steaks in Ward County.

It's all here in the Psychoeuphorology Today Wild West Road Show!

I Should Have Gone into Tech, and Other Observations on the Tumblr Buyout

One of this summer's biggest business news items is Yahoo's recent $1 billion buyout of Tumblr. In theory, the rationale is sound. Yahoo needs to shed it's image as a doddering relic of the Clinton Administration, and Tumblr is going broke. Still $1 billion is steep, especially considering that 3/4 of that is being accounted for as "goodwill."

The Tumblr brand has value, but... really... $750 million for a few missing vowels?

Sounds like Web 1.0 all over again.

What I mean is that change is provoking older companies to react out of fear.

My favorite example from the Pets.com era was a company called Razorfish. It was founded by Craig Kanarick and Jeff Dachis in 1995, as a web-development services company based in Manhattan. They built solid websites, but so did lots of companies, even then.

The real secret to Razorfish lay in its swaggering corporate culture. Kanarick and Dachis were classic arrogant hipsters. Their condescending manner towards clients was legendary, as was Dachis' mastery of empty buzzwords.

They didn't build websites, they asked you to recontextualize your business.

And in the glory years, there were plenty of clients who wanted to recontextualize. In times of change, overpriced "experts" make hay. Executives who feared and misunderstood the internet could pick up a phone, write a check, and be talked down to by a 26 year-old with blue hair. Nothing could be more reassuring.

Razorfish still exists, but it's a shell of its former self, and the founders moved on over a decade ago.
At its height, it was an overvalued company which profited off fear, rather than what it really brought to the table.

In 2013, Yahoo is behaving like a Razorfish client. The Tumblr deal reflects an old company panicking in order to keep up with competitors. It's a deal in line with the strategy the company has pursed since hiring 38 year-old former Google executive Marissa Mayer as its CEO. To her credit, Mayer has done what she was brought in to do: Make Yahoo.com function more like Google.

But casting yourself as a cheap imitation of a competitor is a tough way to get ahead. Tumblr is a sensible addition to Yahoo's portfolio of services, but paying $1 billion for a company whose value is mostly ephemeral is absurd. Given her experience, Mayer should have known better than to make a classic Web 1.0 mistake.

A Double Shot of Revisions to the American English Vernacular

Those of you who caught my Six-Pack of Thoughts on Orange is the New Black are familiar with my apocalyptic hypothesis in which all intellectual properties will be conformed to the cultural geometry of the beer industry. If you missed it, you can catch up here.

On reflection, I realize this notion was frivolous and absurd. Liquor brands will also be fighting for cultural dominance. To make up for this oversight, here is a Double Shot of Revisions to the American English Vernacular, brought to you by (Your Brand Here!).

A Word to Be Dropped: Genius

Like the typewriter, the magazine, and the live action game of solitaire, the word 'genius' has been run over by digital millennium and left for dead.

Once defined as "A person with transcendent mental superiority" (Merriam-Webster), the word has become overused to the point of meaningless. Here are few types of people who qualify under the current standards of genius:

- Two-bit computer hackers (e.g. your Nigerian princes)
- Unsuccessful singer-songwriters
- Anyone who gives a TED Talk, no matter how self-indulgent and inane
- Guys who make small-batch pickles
- Any Supreme Court nominee you happen to agree with on hot-button issues

I think it's time to acknowledge that the term is debased. There are still people of transcendent mental superiority, but their work mostly happens outside of public consciousness. How then are we to refer to those who solve the Hodge Conjecture, write the Great American Novel in 80,000 words or less, or fix Tim Tebow's throwing mechanics? The answer must wait for another Double Shot.

A Word to Be Added: Ridiculize

This one was invented by a French friend of mine. Unsatisfied with the current function and aesthetics of our vocabulary, she has set about introducing new words to bring it up to code. Not since William the Conqueror has a Gallic invader had such impact on the English language.

'Ridiculize' has been one of her most popular reforms. It's a transitive verb, often used reflexively and means, "to render absurd, irrelevant, or insignificant."

Here's a passage designed to give you all a feel for the word.

Even after new revelations of sexual misconduct have further ridiculized him, Anthony Weiner remains in the New York Mayoral Race. On first glance, his campaign seems little more than a ridiculized sideshow. However, even after this latest sexting scandal, he is still in fourth-place heading into the Democratic primary.

 The latest polls show him only 11% behind Christine Quinn, who commands about 1/4 of the party's support. Quinn's track record of empty histrionics and blatant pandering have ridiculized her such that the race is wide open. 

Since the time of Stuyvesant, New Yorkers have preferred blustering autocrats as their chief executive. Though his imperious personality and 80's movie villain looks may ridiculize him in other municipalities, New Yorkers still love the Big Weiner. 

Ah... le mot juste! 

A Six-Pack of Thoughts on Orange is the New Black

Apocalyptic Scenario: In the future, as traditional media apparati continue to be undermined by the abundance of free cat videos, amateur pornography, and crackpot social philosophy, professional writers, performers, and thinkers will be need a new way to be seen and heard. Like late-Romans fleeing to the protection of large landowners as a last resort against the violence and chaos of imperial decline, so will our great men and women of culture lean on the stability of beer sponsors to provide what production companies and publishers cannot.

In this new feudal context, the six-pack will become the base unit of intellectual life. At Psychoeuphorology Today, we're not waiting around. To kick things off, here is a six-pack of thoughts on another new media bellwether, Netflix's original series Oragne is the New Black.

1. This show is a nice bounce back from Jenji Kohan.

Weeds was a strong show in its first few seasons, but declined after the burning of Agrestic. The erratic and ridiculous plot lines had a lot to do with this, but the creative vision of Jenji Kohan played it's part. The characters she created were too static to transcend the show's initial premise. Though initially compelling, the lack of character development and formulaic plot arcs gave the show a Scooby Doo like feel, but without the jangle-pop chase songs.

Orange is the New Black avoids this problem, in that it is limited by our heroine's prison term. The plot arc is preset by the true story on which it's based. I expect this show to run for a tidy, well-received two seasons that will leave its audience satisfied, and not wanting more.

2. The Netflix production model really works

Given the size and scope of their operations, TV networks are forced to manage the risks of original progamming in the traditional ways, namely, overpaying stars, rehashing successful show formats, and casting a wide audience net. These production techniques make for an expensive and unreliable insurance policy, as shows meant to appeal to everyone often end up pleasing no one.

Netflix's is a subscription service which allows users to pick their content. Because of this, it can defer risk using the opposite approach of lowering costs and green-lighting projects with more defined appeal. The biggest stars in ONB are that chick from That 70's Show (not Mila Kunis, the other one), and Jason Biggs. Good writing is cheap, good acting is expensive. Netflix may have shelled out for Kevin Spacey in House of Cards, but expect them to make low-budget projects the backbone of their production efforts.

3. Speaking of J-Biggs...

Biggs bring his mastery of the mindset and mannerisms of the Upper-Middle class Jewish male to a dramatic context, as the protagonist's faithful but conflicted finacee.

Though leaning on his usual bag of character acting tricks, Biggs brings maturity and perspective to his role. Like a fine wine, the kid from American Pie becomes more nuanced with age, while retaining his basic nature. On the whole this is his best work since Saving Silverman.

4. For a Based-on-a-True-Story Prison Show, This One Was Kinda Fun

The most compelling aspect of the show is the mix of prison grit with lighthearted elements. The prison is based on the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, CT; which is the low-security Federal prison where the real Piper Kerman served her time.

The violence in ONB is a far cry from the naked brutality of a show like Oz. The diversity of the inmate population at times gives the show an odd-couple flavor as the hardcore lesbians, softer-core lesbians, Hispanic moms, kitchen workers, Christian fundamentalists, etc. work through there uneasy coexistence.

Though there is violence, there are also charming moments, such as when a guard attempts to portray our sweet-hearted, lotion-making heroine as a stone-cold rapist to a group of Scared Straight teens. Prison shows are typically grim. This one is more of a black-comedy.

5. You've Got Tiiiiiiiiimmmmeeeee!

Each episode is kicked off by, "You've Got Time," which was written and recorded by Regina Spektor to serve as the show's title theme. Title scenes are an under-appreciated part of TV Magic, but when done right, they add context and counterpoint to the show. The best recent example is the pulsing, animated devolution which opens up Mad Men.

"You've Got Time" emphasizes the primal frustration that underpins the monotony of minimum-security prison life. It takes on new meaning as each episode bleeds into the next over a marathon viewing.

Going back to point #2, I think we'll see more theme songs from high-profile musicians. Commissioning a few quality verses is cheap compared to hiring Charlie Sheen, and it improves the show's quality while bringing in that artist's fan base.

6. I Think It's Obvious What Comes Next...

You may remember that in the 1970's, it was common practice to produce one-off specials in which different shows (usually animated) 'meet' each other. The most famous was The Flintstones Meet the Jetsons.

In ONB, the kitchen is a center of inmate life. It performs a vital function as it's staff work with substandard tools and ingredients to feed a crowd. In the process, pride is wounded, power is brokered, and the peace hangs on a thread. In other words, it's perfect for...

Season 2 Episode 1: Orange is the New Black Meets Top Chef

The Top Chefs are faced with their toughest challenge yet, as they are taken to a real prison cafeteria where they must use the equipment and ingredients provided to create a gourmet meal for hundreds of inmates. Things get bloody when some of the mouthier contestants mix it up with some of the mouthier inmates. The episode takes a delicious turn when Padma and Piper are caught naked in the shower enjoying a whole different kind of lunch.

I'll pick up my Emmy whenever it's convenient.

From the Annals of Casual Stupidity: The Repossesor's 'Stang

No surprise that this anecdote comes for North Jersey, the Heartland of Casual Stupidity.

I was out to get groceries when I noticed a car parked in the Stop & Shop parking lot. It was a late model Ford Mustang convertible in candy apple red, with some weird black detailing.

What made it pop was the license plate: New Jersey, plate # REPOGUY.

I can only imagine the frustration a repossesee would feel seeing this car. Regardless of whether this was the man who took away their former stuff, their imagination would churn. What better way to lash out at a world so cruel than slash the tires of its swaggering ambassador? Perhaps it would do to key up that factory gloss?

It won't solve their problems, but for a broken down, hopeless individual looking for a last act of petty vengeance, the time would be right to smash the window of that glorified family sedan, hot wire that big V6, and drive it off a cliff.

That example may be extreme, but it's a real concern for a man who makes an extra trip to the DMV to get a license plate which flaunts his unpopular profession.

I guess that's why he was waiting in the driver's seat while his woman shopped.