A Six-Pack of Thoughts to Open the Sochi Winter Games

1. Our gracious hosts, the Russians, have bad blood with almost every country in these winter games. In fact, I'm pretty sure they've had at least one war of annihilation with 'Independent Olympic Athletes.'

Most knew better than to create a fuss during the Parade of Nations.

Not Germany, whose rainbow uniforms were a clear 'fuck you' to Czar Putin. I assume the Germans' first choice was to outfit their team like this to commemorate the centennial of the Battle of Tannenberg.

However, out of respect to Poland (the battle took place near modern day Olsztyn), they chose to target Putin's disliked and ill-timed reforms against homosexuality.

Stalingrad is not forgotten.


2. Speaking of the Parade of Nations, Tonga won. Check these bad boys out:

The Silver Medal goes to Kazakhstan, both for their sharp outfits, and for managing to send 52 athletes to these games.

The Bronze Medal does not go to Team America, whose Ralph Lauren designed sweaters look like they were knitted by a team of schizophrenic grandmothers.


3. I'm looking forward to visiting Sochi in about 5 years. Nothing spells reasonable rates like an overbuilt Olympic town trying to fill superfluous hotel rooms.


4. The first event I watched was the Men's 5000m Speed Skate. The Dutch swept the medals, while King Willem-Alexander vocally cheered them on. I've never seen royalty show that much enthusiasm. Go Oranje!


5. This is the Olympics I stop making fun of curling. It may not require top-flight athleticism, but it's a quality test of skill, and one of the few real team sports in the Winter Games. 


6. GULAG WATCH!

As the games progress, I'll be assessing which Russians are slated for a parade through Moscow, and which will be banished to a Siberian prison to live out their wretched days.

These games are young, so there hasn't been much chance for heartbreak. Whoever messed this up will be found floating in the Black Sea, but otherwise, there are a few events to watch:

-Figure Skating now has a team category. The Russians are a favorite along with the United States and Canada. In particular, Yulia Lipnitskaya, a 15 year old with a black Soviet heart for victory is creating buzz.

-Russia's Men's Hockey team figures to contend for the Gold Medal. The path will be difficult as Canada and the United States both field strong teams.
 

Looking for Fun This Weekend? Celebrate Burn's Day!!

Also known as 'Burn's Supper,' it's a traditional Scottish holiday in honor of the poet Robert Burns. Generally held on January 25 (Today!), it involves a dinner of haggis, poetry, traditional toasts, and lots of scotch whiskey.

But this is America, so let's take this fun ethic holiday and pervert it into something that suits our tastes. After all, we don't spend St. Patrick's Day in solemn prayer; so let's ditch the haggis and olde tyme singing for what really matters.

In my Americanized version of Burn's Day, the celebrants begin with a midday screening of Braveheart to get everyone good and riled up. This is accompanied by a festive meal of pizza and scotch.

Then it's time to hit the town. Similar to St. Patrick's Day, vaguely Anglo-Celtic bars are favored, with publicans dying the beer blue to match Mel Gibson's war paint.

Honestly, I don't get why Big Scotch isn't already trying to incorporate Burn's Day into its marketing. Whiskey brands understand they need to appeal to 21-35 year old's who have come of age in a world where easy-mixing clear spirits are the preferred drink of rappers and reality-TV sluts.

Scotch brands have attempted to reach younger drinkers, like this schizophrenic effort from Dewars. However, their best bet at reaching an over-educated, under-employed generation is promoting a drinking holiday with literary pretensions.

Until next time... Alba gu brath!

That's Hipsterical! A Double Shot of Things You Need to Be Doing to Raise Your Pretentious Urban Game

It's a new year Psychoeuphorologists! Which means its time for new stupid trends. Reporting live from a coffee shop in North Brooklyn, here's a double shot of what's hot on the streets in 2014.

... And Nothing Else

AKA, your new sentence ender. Currently, this phrase is used by small Italian specialty purveyors to cap their ingredients lists. Here's an example:

Marinara Sauce: Tomatoes, Olive Oil, Onion, Garlic, Basil, Sea Salt... AND NOTHING ELSE!

Doesn't it just sound so all-natural that way?

Try this one out:

PRODUCT X: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Hydrogenated Palm Oil, Kernel Oil; Less than 2% of: Citric Acid, Tapioca Dextrin, Modified Corn Starch, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Colors (Red 40 Lake, Titanium Dioxide, Blue 2 Lake, Red 40, Blue 1, Blue 1 Lake, Yellow 5 Lake, Yellow 5, Yellow 6, Yellow 6 Lake), Sodium Citrate, Carnauba Wax... AND NOTHING ELSE!

When properly punctuated, Product X is probably some molecular gastronomic masterpiece invented at El Bulli.

It's not. It's Skittles!

This year use ...And Nothing Else in place of a period (e.g. I think Junior's cheesecake is overrated ...And Nothing Else!). Others may find it smug and off-putting, but that's because they can't hang with your artisanal values.

Your New Sports team... the 1969 New York Mets!

Remember the Miracle Mets? Remember Tom Seaver winning 25 games, Nolan Ryan's first quality season, and Donn Clendenon's World Series MVP?

Probably not.

It doesn't matter. In hipsterology, sports loyalties are as trend-driven as anything else. Futbol was cool in 2010, during the only World Cup the United States somewhat paid attention to. Unfortunately, cheering on your favorite third-world team is passe this time around.

This year, vintage Mets gear is all the rage. Outer-borough hipsters love Citi Field's relative accessibility and affordability. Unlike Shea Stadium, it's also a nice place to take in a game.

Now is the time to outfit with vintage-style team gear like this shirt from mlb.com. Then, when, the season comes, you can fashionably miss the games to watch old Doc Gooden videos and cry yourself to sleep.

Christmas Movie Power Rankings for 2013

With the Holiday season in full swing, this power ranking of the top 10 Christmas movies will help you organize and prioritize screenings for you and your family.

There are two criteria which determine each film's rank. First is the overall quality of the film (as judged by me). Second is the film's current relevance (according to the same panel). 

The first score doesn't change much from year to year. Hence, it's the second score that really stirs the rankings. 

10. A Christmas Story (1983)

It's the Great American Epic for those who once considered Johnny Carson the Great American Humorist. It's a nostalgic portrait of what passed for family dysfunction in the 1950's midwest. The film cracks the list because its tameness makes for annual ubiquity on basic cable.

It loses points for contemporary relevance, due to the protagonist's outdated longing for a .22 rifle. Raised on a decade of special-ops headshooting games, today's kids want some serious firepower coming down the chimney. 

9. The Polar Express (2004)

Whereas the book is an understated classic, the movie is a big budget CGI-driven spectacular starring Tom Hanks. Because of its continual refinement, CGI doesn't always age well, and even the best can end up looking cheap by their fifth birthday. Hence, it's difficult to gage this movie's actual timelessness. I should have a better idea in forty years. 

The film's greatest strength is its run time of 100 minutes. In other words, it will occupy the kids for 85 minutes longer than the book, and all you have to do is press play and refresh your egg nog. 

8. A Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

It's saccharine piece of garbage, but it makes the list by dominating the airwaves from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day. 

Expect it to slide in future years. The film begins with the Thanksgiving Day Parade, a boring institution which gets cheesier ever year. Much of it is set at Macy's, which was classy and cool in 1947, but doesn't mean much to modern shoppers. Finally, Kris Kringle's trial hinges on the integrity and cultural authority of the federal government, which is downright quaint. The film's contemporary relevance should only continue to slide. 

Yes Virginia, everything really was that lame in the olden days.

7.  Elf (2003)

For the time being, Elf is in a holding pattern around the middle of the order. Though an instant classic on its release, it is now a stale, 10-year old movie, featuring a no-longer-box-office-gold star. In a few years, it will hit the nostalgia sweet spot (15-20 years after release), sooner if Anchorman 2 is a hit (or Will Ferrell dies of a heroin overdose). At that point, it will be anchored in the Top 5. 

Context aside, the film's humor is solid, and it doesn't lean on its effects budget as much as The Polar Express. Using the Empire State Building and Central Park as key settings is smart, as those things will probably still be around in a few decades. 

6. The Santa Claus (1994)

Here is a perfect example of the nostalgia curve in action. The Santa Claus dominated the holiday box office in 1994 thanks to its white-hot star, Tim Allen (in November '94, Home Improvement was the highest rated show in America, and Allen's book hit number one on the New York Times bestseller list). Fifteen years later, the movie was a Clinton-era artifact with two bad sequels.

This is year, it's begun to work its way into the basic cable rotation, as America comes to remember that Tim Allen is a solid comedic actor. The Santa Claus is only his third best film (behind Toy Story and Galaxy Quest), but at a sentimental time of year, it may be the one that leads re-sparks interest in his works.

5. Jingle All the Way (1996)

When it comes to prime Christmas nostalgia, what's better than one 1990's comedy icon?

Three! In this case Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, and Phil Hartman. Critics hated Jingle All the Way for Schwarzenegger's wooden acting (despite nearly two decades of box office receipts, they had yet to figure out that America counted this as a positive), and materialistic premise. Which is to say it's critically despised in the best way possible.

Furthermore, in an age when Black Friday is a semi-holiday in its own right, Arnold and Sinbad's struggle to secure the last Turbo-Man for their sons is as relatable as ever.

4. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964)

Stop-motion never goes out of style. This is what keeps RRNR in the top 5, despite its annoying theme song.

It's also the go-to film for those who spend their Christmas plagued by emotional demons. Just get a few chronically depressed friends together and go around the room picking out which Misfit Toy you're most like.

3. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)

It explored the over-commercialization of Christmas before that became its own empty headed cliche. Nearly 50 years later, it remains the definitive work on the subject. It's sarcastic, witty, charming, sweet-hearted and even edgy. Directly quoting the Gospel to explain the meaning of Christmas was as bold a statement then as it would be today.

On top of that, it introduced the Peanuts universe's signature tune: Linus and Lucy.

2. Frozen (2013)

I've never seen this movie. I don't even know if its been released in theaters yet. I'm just pandering to the children. After all, they're the one who will staff my nursing home.

1. Lethal Weapon (1987)

It's not even close. Lethal Weapon is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.

Not only that, it's one of the greatest movies for any time of year.

It's the story of Roger Murdock (Danny Glover) an old-school, by-the-book LAPD detective paired with Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson), a loose cannon special-ops veteran. Together they hunt down those who would make Christmas unmerry for the people of Los Angeles. Early tensions threaten to overwhelm the partnership. However, in time they develop mutual respect, professionally and personally.

It all comes to a head in one of the greatest fight scenes ever, a Jailhouse Rock soaked Jiu-Jitsu match between Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Joshua (Gary Busey). Though Riggs wins the fight with a triangle choke, Joshua steals a gun off an arresting officer, and takes aim before being gunned down by Riggs and Murdock...

Together.

Once stuck with each other through an error of destiny, the two men not only put aside their differences, but created a bond so strong they knew to turn and shoot with one mind.

And coming together with your fellow man is what Christmas is all about. 

A Haunting in Brooklyn: The Real Forces Behind the Brooklyn Nets' Lost Season

For those of you who don't follow the NBA, the Brooklyn Nets are having a rough season. Their front office went all-in on contending for a championship this year, with disastrous results so far.

Unimaginative as they are, reporters, pundits, and internet shouting-heads have looked for explanations on the court. They reason that this team is old, slow, and undercoached. Some believe this team just hasn't yet found its stride.

They're wrong.

This has nothing to do with basketball.

What's happening in Brooklyn is a classic horror story. The best laid plans of the rich and arrogant have been wrecked by ancient, immutable forces which lurk in the lizard brain of our universe.

It started well before the Nets tipped off in Brooklyn. The team's rusting freighter hulk which suggests to all who see it that death is the only purpose of life lovely new arena, Barclays Center, was built thanks to questionable eminent domain rulings which condemned many local residences and businesses so that Brooklyn could once again have a major-league sports team.

They should have known better. In supernatural terms, reckless eminent domain usage is the yuppie equivalent to digging up an Indian graveyard.

A curse had been born.

Compounding the issue, the site of Barclays Center is where the Brooklyn Dodgers were supposed to have a new stadium before ownership pulled up stakes for Los Angeles. Just as the Overlook Hotel was a hotspot for evil, so are the Atlantic Yards an extrascientific locus for sports heartbreak.  

None of this was obvious at first. In their first season in Brooklyn, the Nets made the playoffs before losing in the first round. So far so good. Fielding a decent team was important for a franchise building a fan base in a market with an established rival across the East River.

If only they knew what was coming.

As the summer of 2013 wore on, hopes were rising. Then the worst happened. To meet its owner's hubristic demand for a championship, the Nets' front office traded several veteran players and three first round picks to the Boston Celtics for...

A TRIO OF WALKERS!!!!!!!!!!!

Once vibrant humans, the specimens formerly known as Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, and Jason Terry now haunt the Barclays Center. Though bearing rough physical resemblance to their former selves, they can only shuffle and limp their decayed, broken bodies around the court. What life they still have is sucked from the rest of the team through some perverse osmosis still beyond scientific understanding.

Running this horror show is the Nets' head coach Jason Kidd. In another Shining parallel, Kidd is an alcoholic with a history of domestic violence sent to manage an operation he has no experience with, or understanding of. As winter wears on, the losses mount
, and Kidd's personal insecurities cut deeper into his sanity, expect him to try and axe murder his promising young center, Mason Plumlee.

No one knows what supernatural terrors are yet in store for the franchise. However, the smart money is on the reemergence of former minority owner Jay-Z. After all, he's really just an Oz-like specter hiding the world from a creatively exhausted rapper turned figurehead executive.

Ghosts. Zombies. Curses. Go Nets!

If the Cowboys Are America's Team, What Does That Say About America?

In fairness to the United States, the tagline 'America's Team' was invented by NFL Films, and does not carry any legitimate meaning.

However... If the Cowboys are America's Team, What does that imply about us as a nation?

1. That America peaked in the mid-1990's.

2. That, since that time, every one of our nation's victories has been undone by nonsensical blundering; leading to year after year of 8-8 outcomes.

3. We continue to appoint ineffectual head coaches whom we hang on to too long.

4. Our vast resources are squandered by an organization that cannot translate wealth to power.

5. Our roster's limited middle class makes it hard to build the team for the long term.

6. We once had a thing for Jessica Simpson.

Pretty cynical, but that's what 'America's Team' says about us. In the past, commentators have tried to claim the title for a new team that better accentuates our national virtues.

This is pointless. The title of 'America's Team' must be wrested like Excalibur from the Stone by the ONE TRUE TEAM.

I don't know which team that is, but I'll guess it's the Packers.

In Light of the Current Standard of Reason... A New Solution to the Federal Shutdown

In the last few weeks we have witnessed something rare in American politics. The Federal Shutdown, which was expected to be a crippling embarrassment to Democrats, Republicans, and the nation at large... has been just that. In this way, a nation once seemingly torn apart by partisan bickering has found common ground in its anger. 

Congratulations, America!

But before we write off this Congress as hopeless, let's take a look at our role in this mess. After all, We The People are the most schizophrenic, under/mis informed, and needy special interest group of them all. We elect Congressmen to represent our erratic will, so why should we be surprised by the results. Right now we hate them for being uncompromising, but let's face it, if they brokered a sensible deal we'd run them out office as spineless backsliders.  

You just can't win with the American people. 

I propose we help our Congressmen out:

1) It's clear that thoughtful contemplation is pointless in contemporary political culture. Therefore, the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool should be paved over to create the National Dueling Grounds: An open air arena with a 100'x60' grass dueling pitch. At the long ends will be 10' high earthen berms, along the sides will be seating for every member of Congress, the President, his Cabinet, and the Supreme Court. 

2) A quick draft of the 28th Amendment: At any time, whether or not Congress is in session, any member of Congress shall have the power to challenge any other to a duel to the death in order to resolve the business of the Congress. The challenging member must be seconded. The challenged member may choose their second, or have one appointed by the Supreme Court. The duel must take place within 48 hours of the challenge at the National Dueling Grounds. It shall be held at noon of that day, and decided with pistols at 20 paces. Each combatant shall have 10 shots. The challenged member shall choose his end of the pitch. Should both participants survive the duel, a winner will be chosen through simple majority by Twitter poll.

3) A matching set of Colt 1911 .45 caliber pistols will be commissioned, and kept by a non-partisan Congressional Armorer. Upon election, each member of Congress shall have custom tactical grips made to fit their hands, which will be fitted by the armorer when needed. The pistols will be nickel-clad and engraved with glorious scenes from America's past. They will officially be known as the Filiblasters. 

We've seen that the threat of disgrace and embarrassment won't make Congress act. But perhaps the Specter of Death will move them.