The images of Pluto from NASA's New Horizons mission have been the buzz of the scientific community. Among the data, we now have the best images yet of the Cthulhu Regio. This is an exciting development that gives fresh insight into the pre-Earthern existence of the Great Old One.
The midnight hued Regio is dated to 1 billion years old, consistent with the accepted dates of the struggle between Cthulhu and the Elder Things prior to his entombment in the sunken city of R'yleh. The dark hydrocarbon layer that covers the Regio is likely fallout from this ancient battle. Furthermore, the heavy cratering indicates this was an area of intense bombardment, perhaps a critical urban center similar to that reported by Danforth in Antarctica.
Beyond the scientific community, these interpretations face criticism. Human worshipers of Chtulhu place the age of R'yleh at vigntillions of years; a number inconsistent with the age of the Earth. Furthermore, mad philosophers drawing on the Necronomicon identify Chtulhu and his extraterrestrial followers as 'star spawn,' indicating origin beyond the solar system. However, hierolinguists of the pre-galactic period are in agreement that this phrase reflects the Old Ones limited understanding of Chtulhu's true origin, and should not be interpreted literally.
Though the photographic evidence provides a critical window into life before humanity, a new project in Antarctica looks to bring terrestrial geology into the picture. A team of scientists at Columbia University is organizing a drilling expedition to recover samples of the Gamburtsev Mountains. Set thousands of feet beneath the surface ice of Antarctica, the Gamburtsev's are an ever-young mountain range comparable to the Alps. At 1 billion years old, and well-preserved beneath the barren snows, the Gamburtsev's present the best opportunity to recover an intact specimen of an Old One. Of course, there is always the strong possibility of unleashing something of such timeless evil as to make humanity to rue its very existence and pray for a quick return to lifeless star dust.
The United States Treasury has announced that the next redesign of the $10 bill will feature the portrait of a woman, while relegating Alexander Hamilton to a lesser position. The female to be pictured is still undetermined but will be announced later this year.
I'm not a fan of the move. For better or worse, Alexander Hamilton is one of the the most important financial figures in US history and on these grounds alone deserves prominence on American currency.
Fortunately, there's a better way. Taking inspiration from America's most iconic coinage, it's time we scrap individual portraits altogether. Just reacquaint yourself with pieces like the buffalo nickel, or the St. Gaudens Double Eagle and tell me the world's premier currency should serve as a flavor-of-the-month personal tribute (Yes, I know those coins have 'people' on them, but they are not anyone in particular. The Indian head is a composite sketch, while the Double Eagle features a 'Lady Liberty').
Consider James Earle Fraser's concept for the buffalo nickel,
Well, when I was asked to do a nickel, I felt I wanted to do something totally American—a coin that could not be mistaken for any other country's coin. It occurred to me that the buffalo, as part of our western background, was 100% American, and that our North American Indian fitted into the picture perfectly As we rethink the $10 note, it's worth keeping this attitude. For example:
This image of the Montana Rockies is understated, elegant, and leaves room in the sky and foreground for necessary lettering. With this image, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew should use the crosshatched shadows of the foothills to hide his signature. That's the sort of discreet touch that makes for a classic bill. While we're tapping into our natural heritage...
The wild turkey has never been used on currency, and it's a shame. As a herd animal that relies on its pack as well as its own vigilance for protection, the turkey is an excellent symbol of national solidarity. It's positive symbolism and majestic bearing make it worthy of US legal tender. Either of these designs are purely American. They cannot be mistaken for any other countries currency. They are timeless, and subvert the controversies that come with any great person. But if gender balance is your biggest consideration for currency design, there's a solution. Move to Canada.
Last week I cemented my place as a Great American when turned a 10 lb. box of generic 'Snickers' crumbles into an Eighth Wonder of the World. Here is how it went down.
First, I poured out the crumbles onto parchment paper. Then, I hand-formed them into compressed bars.
Each finished Snickers has two bars of compressed crumbles bound by caramel studded with crushed peanuts. When assembled, it looks like this:
The chocolate is tempered and ready to go.
Before the bars are ready for coating, they must undergo a final hand-shaping to ensure consistent dimensions. Chocolate doesn't lie. As it cascades over the bar, it highlights any defect in worksmanship.
First, I coat the bottom by spreading a layer of chocolate on the parchment, and letting the bar set in it. Once dry, it looks like this.
Now chocolate is poured over the bars until they are completely covered. The first attempt is never perfect. The tops of these are a little messy, but after a few repetitions, I will find the right pattern.
There you have it. Until next time, keep dreaming big!
Every now and again I have a great idea. Most are too elegant to work, but this time, I've figured out how to give underprivileged children a leg up in society.
Education is key to a child's future. The problem is what to teach them. Rather than focus on useful skills, I think intangible qualities are most important.
Today's kids need irrational confidence and a bloated lexicon to match. With these, they will be able to craft the veneer of insight needed to make it as...
CONSULTANTS!!!
Consider this:
According to the Bureau of Labor, the median wage of a computer programmer is $76,140 per year. That's a good living until you stack it up against the $97,199 (per www.glassdoor.com) that the average technology consultant makes.
Now is the time to eliminate pointless educational initiatives; especially when so many inner-city high schoolers are still recontextualizing business-facing multi-platform datavation synergetics at a Web 1.0 level.
Rather than learn English, they should learn to speak in six-syllable words.
Rather than learn to count they should learn how to get their suits tailored.
Rather than teach them valuable lessons to nowhere, they need to learn how to bluster through two hour conference presentation without saying anything.
Furthermore, consider the impact on the marketplace. By flooding the world with surplus consultants, we may actually bring their price down.
Summer is almost here and I've begun surveying the live music landscape.
I'm not focusing on major acts or big festivals. Rather, my attention is on the countless bars, patio spaces, and dumpy little joints where the majority of live music will happen. In particular, my attention is on the one genre which has come to define this time and these places: Douchebag Reggae.
It's difficult to define, so I've created a rubric to outline the intensity levels of the genre:
Level 1: Anyone who regards a Jack Johnson concert as a transformative experience in their life. Also, anyone who has ever said, 'Music is my religion.' This level is open to anyone, not just performers. It's about combining smugness with cheap spirituality.
Level 2: Bands whose only influence is Sublime. They may do a typical mix of covers and originals, but that's only because they can't do Santeria for 90 minutes.
Level 3: DJ's with hispanic last names, but otherwise, no connection to Latin America. They don't speak Spanish, or have any knowledge of Latin music. Nonetheless, they assume throwing some synth trumpets in the mix and referring to every woman in their life as 'mamacita' makes them the second coming of Tito Puente. Though not claiming any formal influence from Jamaica, they capture the spirit outlined in Level 1.
Level 4: Bands that perform the greatest hits of Dave Matthews set to the tune of 'Buffalo Soldier.'
Level 5: The Dave Matthews Band.
The genre blew up last summer when Magic! terrorized the airwaves with it's breakthrough (and probably final) hit 'Rude.' Though there have been other eruptions ('Who Let the Dogs Out?'), Douchebag Reggae typically lurks below the mainstream surface.
It is often experienced as a influence on other lame, Carribbean inspired works. I think of it as an attitude more than a rigid musical structure. Douchebag Reggae is the blood in Pitbull's veins though not the rhythm in his words. It's the voice in Katy Perry's head telling her she's 'street' if she references marijuana in her song.
This summer, do your part to stamp out Douchebag Reggae. Write and perform a 40-minute epic about the life of Freddie Green. Cross-dress and sing about Ridin' with Satan. Ignore music all together and hibernate until football season. But don't let Douchebag Reggae win. Otherwise it's a matter of time before we have another 'Rude' blight on our national conscience.
It's been a busy few weeks in Connecticut sports. The important dates:
April 9: New London's own Matt Harvey made his first start after sitting out 2014 due to injury. He threw six scoreless innings to beat the Washington Nationals.
April 15: Bristol's own Aaron Hernandez was convicted of first degree murder in Massachusetts and received a mandatory life sentence.
April 24: Newtown's own Bruce Jenner formally comes out as transgendered in an interview with Diane Sawyer.
April 30: New Britain's own (and University of Connecticut alumnus) Byron Jones is drafted 27th overall by the Dallas Cowboys.
Let's assess:
The Aaron Hernandez conviction is embarrassing but long expected. From here on, he is the Commonwealth of Massachusetts' concern, not mine.
Of real interest is the burgeoning career of Byron Jones. At UConn, he was sold, not special, as both a safety and cornerback.
Then he put on a Barnum sideshow at the Combine, with highlights including a 4.36s 40-yard dash, and a World Record 12' 3'' broad jump. All things considered, it's easy to project him in light of track star busts like Darius Heyward-Bey.
I think he'll follow the example of Dontari Poe, who was just a guy at Memphis, before blowing up the 2012 Combine. He was drafted 11th overall by Kansas City where he has made two Pro Bowls in three seasons. It's unreasonable to think Jones will be that good off the bat, but freakish physical skills are prerequisite for a great corner. Add in his positional versatility and coachability and Dallas made a nice pick.
In other news, Matt Harvey is 5-0 with a 2.41 ERA, a 0.92 WHIP, and almost 7 strikeouts per start. Though it's tragic his talents are wasted on the New York Mets, his lost 2014 season brought him a year closer to free agency without putting innings on that golden arm.
Also, best of luck to Bruce Jenner as he pursues the life he wants to lead. He's on TV, so people think his gender identity is a big deal. It's not.
Let's wrap with a video of Middletown's own Andre Drummond dunking on things. He finished this season averaging 13.8 points and 13.5 rebounds; similar to his 2013-14 line. However, this was his first season playing center for Stan Van Gundy instead of his old position of 'clean up after Josh Smith.' That he maintained efficiency in a more sophisticated system speaks to his progress.
There will be no real NFL news until training camps open. Now is the time for overblown predicions.
Any analysis of your team will end in one of two conclusions.
1) This is OUR FUCKING YEAR!
2) We're totally fucked.
How your team drafted is a big part of the assessment. Internet scouting reports provide a decent overview of a player's potential, but that's for managing the post-free agency hangover. Now is the time to get excited. For that, the best tool is a good old-fashioned YouTube highlight reel.
Let's break down some of my favorite reels and see what they say about the 2015 season. Brandon Scherff, OT, Iowa. Drafted by 5th overall by the Washington Redskins
This video is great because it answers all the FAQ's that come with highly touted lineman.
Q: Yeah he's a bear, but can he move his fat ass?
A: Yes! This video emphasizes Scherff's movement in space. At 2:01 he pulls from inside the hash to the numbers, turns upfield, and then blocks his man into the parking lot. Great quickness, great feet, and great power. Few lineman are that devastating outside the tackle box.
Q: Plenty of kids can run block, but I'm paying (Franchise Quarterback X) $20 million this year! Is this guy gonna keep him on the field?
A: Sure. Check out the play at :59. Rather than committing to the defensive end, Scherff anticipates a blitz and stays patient. When the extra defender comes, Scherff squares him up and puts him on the ground.
Q: Some guys love football. Some guys don't. Which kind am I getting?
A: Did you watch that video? This kid is nasty as Possum Fuck. He lives to wreck people.
In spite of all this, some can't see beyond Scherff's listed height of 6' 5''. As we all know, shortish guys without pornographic combine numbers (like Joe Thomas) can't play tackle in the NFL. For this reason the 2015 Washington Redskins are TOTALLY FUCKED!
Vic Beasley, OLB, Clemson. Drafted 8th overall by the Atlanta Falcons
This video doesn't excite me. Vic Beasley is super-twitchy, but this reel makes me question his pro potential. All we see him do is speed-rush from the outside. He blows away whatever fat kid Directional State X throws at him, but without an inside move, better hand technique, and a few counters, he will top out as a situational player.
He reminds me of Bruce Irvin, who Seattle picked 15th overall in 2012. Great first step, high-motor, and 16.5 sacks through three seasons. That's not bad, but it's not the transformative impact expected of a high first-rounder.
For this reason the 2015 Atlanta Falcons are TOTALLY FUCKED!
Randy Gregory, DE, Nebraska. Drafted 60th overall by the Dallas Cowboys
This is more like it.
Inside. Outside. Playside. Backside. Defense. Special Teams. Run. Pass. This is bad-ass film.
Never mind that there are beefier edge players at your local middle school. Never mind that he may be mentally unstable and shares a locker room with Greg Hardy.
Randy Gregory can ball. He may go down as the greatest two first-name athlete since Ricky Bobby.
In light of this, 2015 is the Dallas Cowboy's FUCKING YEAR!
Malcolm Brown, DT, Texas. Drafted 32nd overall by the New England Patriots
Forget what you just saw. Malcolm Brown is a fine young man and a talented athlete. It doesn't matter.
I'm a New Englander and I know my people. The Puritan legacy lives on through our sporting culture. In our thinking, God is always punishing us. Always. When things are going well, this is an unnatural interlude which only leads to a greater fall.
Other fan bases think God hates them. Not true. They just suck. We are wicked and must be cut down. We may profess otherwise when we see Malcolm Brown blowing up lineman, but in our hearts we know that every move Bill Belichick makes is the one that will finally lead us down the road to oblivion.
This is a fine synopsis of the 2015 New England Patriots.
