Add up all your billions together and you get the GDP of Slovakia. I have the Federal Government of the United States of America. Your money doesn't intimidate me. The most that you can buy is influence; but I wield Constitutional authority. -Frank Underwood
Though President Underwood spoke these words with regards to a fictional power struggle between himself and a billionaire energy magnate Raymond Tusk; they go a long way in explaining Russia's real takeover of the Crimean peninsula.
As a Western observer, the most frustrating aspect has been the global community's lack of recourse in dealing with naked aggression so close to the NATO homeland. No one will go to war over the Crimea, and Vladimir Putin knows it.
As an alternative, mild sanctions have been put in place, with more severe ones possible. In other words, Crimea has been snatched without consequences. In this matter, the West has no leverage over Putin, in the same way that Raymond Tusk's control over the White House was illusory.
All this has been obvious from the outset. However, the more I think about this, the more the House of Cards analogy fits.
Economic and diplomatic sanctions mean little to either Underwood or Putin. These are just the tolls to pay on the Road to Greatness. As an unelected President and an 'elected' President, they aren't accountable to any business leaders, political allies, or even common people who bear the brunt of retaliation.
In our jaded political culture, we often think that money is equivalent to power, but Putin/Underwood remind us that it only buys influence. The West can freeze assets. It can make life (relatively) difficult for wealthy and connected Russians. That doesn't change the fact that Putin has a government and an army, along with the authority to lead them.
It's clear where he is taking his cues. It may seem that the Crimean invasion came on the heels of Ukrainian political turmoil. However, that obscures the more relevant event. It came less than a month after House of Cards Season 2 was released.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
The Crisis of Conservation in Reality Television
Since it debuted in early 2012, Ink Master has been my favorite reality TV show. For those of you who don't (but should!) watch it, Ink Master is a competition in which tattoo artists compete by plying their trade on volunteer canvases. Their work is then judged by industry notables Oliver Peck and Chris Nunez, as well as collector and impresario Dave Navarro.
On Tuesday, the show will air the third episode of its fourth season. This means that by the end of the spring, Ink Master will have churned through 57 contestants in less than two and half years.
This production schedule is undermining the show. Though it's early, this season's field looks weak. The judges have declined to name a winner in either of the first two elimination challenges. The most recent episode ended with a contestant quitting after an emotional breakdown.
After Season 2, the viewers voted Katherine 'Tatu Baby' Flores to return for Season 3. A mercurial genius of deep imagination but erratic application; she rode her second chance to a third place finish. Though the judges gave the title of Ink Master to the consistent, workman-like Joey Hamilton, Tatu Baby won America's Heart twice over.
This season's fan favorite is the solid, but unremarkable Kyle Dunbar. Given his listed experience of 20 years, he is probably past his window to reach Ink Mastery.
All of this is to say that Spike has failed to conserve the Ink Master population. By spacing out the seasons, the network would allow the population of viable contestants to regenerate. Instead, they are left with a middling, underdeveloped crop of hotheads who don't live up to the legacy of Tommy Helm (who currently stars on Tattoo Nightmares), or Steve Tefft (the Season 2 winner, who's finale piece is a great example of Connecticut craftsmanship, which is why I'm including it below).
The more intelligent model is that of Top Chef. Although food service has a large enough talent pool to justify 11 seasons since 2006, the producers have mixed in five seasons of Top Chef Masters and two seasons of Top Chef: Just Desserts. Rotating these spin-offs keeps the flagship program's contestant cupboard well-stocked. In addition, it keeps the producers from running out of desirable host cities. No one wants to see a bunch of talentless fry-cooks gutting out a Doritos challenge on Top Chef: Cleveland.
Actually... Wait, they have that! It's called Hell's Kitchen.
On Tuesday, the show will air the third episode of its fourth season. This means that by the end of the spring, Ink Master will have churned through 57 contestants in less than two and half years.
This production schedule is undermining the show. Though it's early, this season's field looks weak. The judges have declined to name a winner in either of the first two elimination challenges. The most recent episode ended with a contestant quitting after an emotional breakdown.
After Season 2, the viewers voted Katherine 'Tatu Baby' Flores to return for Season 3. A mercurial genius of deep imagination but erratic application; she rode her second chance to a third place finish. Though the judges gave the title of Ink Master to the consistent, workman-like Joey Hamilton, Tatu Baby won America's Heart twice over.
This season's fan favorite is the solid, but unremarkable Kyle Dunbar. Given his listed experience of 20 years, he is probably past his window to reach Ink Mastery.
All of this is to say that Spike has failed to conserve the Ink Master population. By spacing out the seasons, the network would allow the population of viable contestants to regenerate. Instead, they are left with a middling, underdeveloped crop of hotheads who don't live up to the legacy of Tommy Helm (who currently stars on Tattoo Nightmares), or Steve Tefft (the Season 2 winner, who's finale piece is a great example of Connecticut craftsmanship, which is why I'm including it below).
The more intelligent model is that of Top Chef. Although food service has a large enough talent pool to justify 11 seasons since 2006, the producers have mixed in five seasons of Top Chef Masters and two seasons of Top Chef: Just Desserts. Rotating these spin-offs keeps the flagship program's contestant cupboard well-stocked. In addition, it keeps the producers from running out of desirable host cities. No one wants to see a bunch of talentless fry-cooks gutting out a Doritos challenge on Top Chef: Cleveland.
Actually... Wait, they have that! It's called Hell's Kitchen.
Monday, February 24, 2014
The Russian Men's Hockey Team Better Watch Out, and Other Thoughts From Sochi
GULAG WATCH!!!
As predicted in my last post, the Russian Men's Hockey Team didn't win Gold. That alone doesn't put them on the list. Their real sin was losing to Finland in a haunting repeat of 1940.
They need to make travel plans now, before the Cossacks murder their women and children, and ship them to a life of forced labor in Outer Mongolia.
Their best bet is to throw themselves on the mercy of an ex-Soviet republic whose hockey team lacks the depth contend in 2018. The Czech Republic, Latvia, Slovakia, or Estonia would probably take them in. Whether that would put them beyond the reach of Czar Putin is another matter.
On a positive note for Mother Russia, she won both the overall and gold medal counts. So there aren't any other impending life sentences to write about.
Speaking of the Cossacks...
This is a video of them breaking up a video shoot for Pussy Riot's latest smash, "Putin Teaches Us to Love our Motherland." It looks like an excessive attack on a harmless protest, but think again.
This is the age of Cupcake Wars, and images of 'hand-whipping' trigger subconscious thoughts of buttercream in the American psyche. What looks like a violent overreaction is actually subliminal propaganda.
Sometimes the old ways are still best.
This Didn't Go Well For Team America
Though in fairness, this team looks better heading into 2018. This year's group featured too many over-hyped old guys, not-yet-ready teenagers, and 'Middle Name: Courage'-types.
Still, America had a number of favorites who didn't get it done.
The speed-skating team was the biggest embarrassment, not just for their weak performance (0 medals), but for letting their fancy new suits become a bigger story than the skaters. All the aerodynamic dimples and advanced zipper placements mean nothing if the athletes wearing them move like curling stones.
Which brings us to...
CURLING! CURLING! CURLING!
At the outset of the Olympics, I wrote that I would not make fun of curling, but I didn't expect to get into it.
As I learned, curling is a great game of strategy and precision. Furthermore, I enjoyed the intimacy of the broadcasts. Almost every line of dialogue between players is captured, which lets us get to know the teams.
Better still, it's one of the few sports where there is no gender-based difference in level of play. As a result, it features two equally high-level tournaments.
Canada won both gold medals, with the women's team dominating its way to the first undefeated record in an Olympic tournament. They can't rest on their laurels though. By 2018, Kaitlyn Lawes will be the only curler from this rink under 38. Canada will need an injection of youth stay competitive.
Even with four years to go, the Canadian men look like strong bets to repeat in South Korea. On the women's side, watch out for the up-and-coming British rink, skipped by Eve Muirhead. They are the defending World Champions and won Bronze in Sochi. The oldest player on that rink is 25, and Muirhead herself is 23. The talent on this team is obvious, and with experience and better consistency, they should have their eyes on gold in 2018.
These Were the Most Politically Charged Games in a Long Time.
Everyone knows the Putin regime doesn't care about democracy or human rights. Just check out the Cossacks/Pussy Riot video again.
Everyone knows that the IOC makes the NCAA look transparent, fair, and honest. Four years ago, this organization decided that Chicago had safety and infrastructure problems, but Rio de Janerio was alright.
The Games are about the games. As long as that's true, the Olympics will survive the nonsense of world affairs.
As predicted in my last post, the Russian Men's Hockey Team didn't win Gold. That alone doesn't put them on the list. Their real sin was losing to Finland in a haunting repeat of 1940.
They need to make travel plans now, before the Cossacks murder their women and children, and ship them to a life of forced labor in Outer Mongolia.
Their best bet is to throw themselves on the mercy of an ex-Soviet republic whose hockey team lacks the depth contend in 2018. The Czech Republic, Latvia, Slovakia, or Estonia would probably take them in. Whether that would put them beyond the reach of Czar Putin is another matter.
On a positive note for Mother Russia, she won both the overall and gold medal counts. So there aren't any other impending life sentences to write about.
Speaking of the Cossacks...
This is a video of them breaking up a video shoot for Pussy Riot's latest smash, "Putin Teaches Us to Love our Motherland." It looks like an excessive attack on a harmless protest, but think again.
This is the age of Cupcake Wars, and images of 'hand-whipping' trigger subconscious thoughts of buttercream in the American psyche. What looks like a violent overreaction is actually subliminal propaganda.
Sometimes the old ways are still best.
This Didn't Go Well For Team America
Though in fairness, this team looks better heading into 2018. This year's group featured too many over-hyped old guys, not-yet-ready teenagers, and 'Middle Name: Courage'-types.
Still, America had a number of favorites who didn't get it done.
The speed-skating team was the biggest embarrassment, not just for their weak performance (0 medals), but for letting their fancy new suits become a bigger story than the skaters. All the aerodynamic dimples and advanced zipper placements mean nothing if the athletes wearing them move like curling stones.
Which brings us to...
CURLING! CURLING! CURLING!
At the outset of the Olympics, I wrote that I would not make fun of curling, but I didn't expect to get into it.
As I learned, curling is a great game of strategy and precision. Furthermore, I enjoyed the intimacy of the broadcasts. Almost every line of dialogue between players is captured, which lets us get to know the teams.
Better still, it's one of the few sports where there is no gender-based difference in level of play. As a result, it features two equally high-level tournaments.
Canada won both gold medals, with the women's team dominating its way to the first undefeated record in an Olympic tournament. They can't rest on their laurels though. By 2018, Kaitlyn Lawes will be the only curler from this rink under 38. Canada will need an injection of youth stay competitive.
Even with four years to go, the Canadian men look like strong bets to repeat in South Korea. On the women's side, watch out for the up-and-coming British rink, skipped by Eve Muirhead. They are the defending World Champions and won Bronze in Sochi. The oldest player on that rink is 25, and Muirhead herself is 23. The talent on this team is obvious, and with experience and better consistency, they should have their eyes on gold in 2018.
These Were the Most Politically Charged Games in a Long Time.
Everyone knows the Putin regime doesn't care about democracy or human rights. Just check out the Cossacks/Pussy Riot video again.
Everyone knows that the IOC makes the NCAA look transparent, fair, and honest. Four years ago, this organization decided that Chicago had safety and infrastructure problems, but Rio de Janerio was alright.
The Games are about the games. As long as that's true, the Olympics will survive the nonsense of world affairs.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
A Six-Pack of Thoughts to Open the Sochi Winter Games
1. Our gracious hosts, the Russians, have bad blood with almost every country in these winter games. In fact, I'm pretty sure they've had at least one war of annihilation with 'Independent Olympic Athletes.'
Most knew better than to create a fuss during the Parade of Nations.
Not Germany, whose rainbow uniforms were a clear 'fuck you' to Czar Putin. I assume the Germans' first choice was to outfit their team like this to commemorate the centennial of the Battle of Tannenberg.
However, out of respect to Poland (the battle took place near modern day Olsztyn), they chose to target Putin's disliked and ill-timed reforms against homosexuality.
Stalingrad is not forgotten.
2. Speaking of the Parade of Nations, Tonga won. Check these bad boys out:
The Silver Medal goes to Kazakhstan, both for their sharp outfits, and for managing to send 52 athletes to these games.
The Bronze Medal does not go to Team America, whose Ralph Lauren designed sweaters look like they were knitted by a team of schizophrenic grandmothers.
3. I'm looking forward to visiting Sochi in about 5 years. Nothing spells reasonable rates like an overbuilt Olympic town trying to fill superfluous hotel rooms.
4. The first event I watched was the Men's 5000m Speed Skate. The Dutch swept the medals, while King Willem-Alexander vocally cheered them on. I've never seen royalty show that much enthusiasm. Go Oranje!
5. This is the Olympics I stop making fun of curling. It may not require top-flight athleticism, but it's a quality test of skill, and one of the few real team sports in the Winter Games.
6. GULAG WATCH!
As the games progress, I'll be assessing which Russians are slated for a parade through Moscow, and which will be banished to a Siberian prison to live out their wretched days.
These games are young, so there hasn't been much chance for heartbreak. Whoever messed this up will be found floating in the Black Sea, but otherwise, there are a few events to watch:
-Figure Skating now has a team category. The Russians are a favorite along with the United States and Canada. In particular, Yulia Lipnitskaya, a 15 year old with a black Soviet heart for victory is creating buzz.
-Russia's Men's Hockey team figures to contend for the Gold Medal. The path will be difficult as Canada and the United States both field strong teams.
Most knew better than to create a fuss during the Parade of Nations.
Not Germany, whose rainbow uniforms were a clear 'fuck you' to Czar Putin. I assume the Germans' first choice was to outfit their team like this to commemorate the centennial of the Battle of Tannenberg.
However, out of respect to Poland (the battle took place near modern day Olsztyn), they chose to target Putin's disliked and ill-timed reforms against homosexuality.
Stalingrad is not forgotten.
2. Speaking of the Parade of Nations, Tonga won. Check these bad boys out:
The Silver Medal goes to Kazakhstan, both for their sharp outfits, and for managing to send 52 athletes to these games.
The Bronze Medal does not go to Team America, whose Ralph Lauren designed sweaters look like they were knitted by a team of schizophrenic grandmothers.
3. I'm looking forward to visiting Sochi in about 5 years. Nothing spells reasonable rates like an overbuilt Olympic town trying to fill superfluous hotel rooms.
4. The first event I watched was the Men's 5000m Speed Skate. The Dutch swept the medals, while King Willem-Alexander vocally cheered them on. I've never seen royalty show that much enthusiasm. Go Oranje!
5. This is the Olympics I stop making fun of curling. It may not require top-flight athleticism, but it's a quality test of skill, and one of the few real team sports in the Winter Games.
6. GULAG WATCH!
As the games progress, I'll be assessing which Russians are slated for a parade through Moscow, and which will be banished to a Siberian prison to live out their wretched days.
These games are young, so there hasn't been much chance for heartbreak. Whoever messed this up will be found floating in the Black Sea, but otherwise, there are a few events to watch:
-Figure Skating now has a team category. The Russians are a favorite along with the United States and Canada. In particular, Yulia Lipnitskaya, a 15 year old with a black Soviet heart for victory is creating buzz.
-Russia's Men's Hockey team figures to contend for the Gold Medal. The path will be difficult as Canada and the United States both field strong teams.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Looking for Fun This Weekend? Celebrate Burn's Day!!
But this is America, so let's take this fun ethic holiday and pervert it into something that suits our tastes. After all, we don't spend St. Patrick's Day in solemn prayer; so let's ditch the haggis and olde tyme singing for what really matters.
In my Americanized version of Burn's Day, the celebrants begin with a midday screening of Braveheart to get everyone good and riled up. This is accompanied by a festive meal of pizza and scotch.
Then it's time to hit the town. Similar to St. Patrick's Day, vaguely Anglo-Celtic bars are favored, with publicans dying the beer blue to match Mel Gibson's war paint.
Honestly, I don't get why Big Scotch isn't already trying to incorporate Burn's Day into its marketing. Whiskey brands understand they need to appeal to 21-35 year old's who have come of age in a world where easy-mixing clear spirits are the preferred drink of rappers and reality-TV sluts.
Scotch brands have attempted to reach younger drinkers, like this schizophrenic effort from Dewars. However, their best bet at reaching an over-educated, under-employed generation is promoting a drinking holiday with literary pretensions.
Until next time... Alba gu brath!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
That's Hipsterical! A Double Shot of Things You Need to Be Doing to Raise Your Pretentious Urban Game
It's a new year Psychoeuphorologists! Which means its time for new stupid trends. Reporting live from a coffee shop in North Brooklyn, here's a double shot of what's hot on the streets in 2014.
... And Nothing Else
AKA, your new sentence ender. Currently, this phrase is used by small Italian specialty purveyors to cap their ingredients lists. Here's an example:
Marinara Sauce: Tomatoes, Olive Oil, Onion, Garlic, Basil, Sea Salt... AND NOTHING ELSE!
Doesn't it just sound so all-natural that way?
Try this one out:
PRODUCT X: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Hydrogenated Palm Oil, Kernel Oil; Less than 2% of: Citric Acid, Tapioca Dextrin, Modified Corn Starch, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Colors (Red 40 Lake, Titanium Dioxide, Blue 2 Lake, Red 40, Blue 1, Blue 1 Lake, Yellow 5 Lake, Yellow 5, Yellow 6, Yellow 6 Lake), Sodium Citrate, Carnauba Wax... AND NOTHING ELSE!
When properly punctuated, Product X is probably some molecular gastronomic masterpiece invented at El Bulli.
It's not. It's Skittles!
This year use ...And Nothing Else in place of a period (e.g. I think Junior's cheesecake is overrated ...And Nothing Else!). Others may find it smug and off-putting, but that's because they can't hang with your artisanal values.
Your New Sports team... the 1969 New York Mets!
Remember the Miracle Mets? Remember Tom Seaver winning 25 games, Nolan Ryan's first quality season, and Donn Clendenon's World Series MVP?
Probably not.
It doesn't matter. In hipsterology, sports loyalties are as trend-driven as anything else. Futbol was cool in 2010, during the only World Cup the United States somewhat paid attention to. Unfortunately, cheering on your favorite third-world team is passe this time around.
This year, vintage Mets gear is all the rage. Outer-borough hipsters love Citi Field's relative accessibility and affordability. Unlike Shea Stadium, it's also a nice place to take in a game.
Now is the time to outfit with vintage-style team gear like this shirt from mlb.com. Then, when, the season comes, you can fashionably miss the games to watch old Doc Gooden videos and cry yourself to sleep.
... And Nothing Else
AKA, your new sentence ender. Currently, this phrase is used by small Italian specialty purveyors to cap their ingredients lists. Here's an example:
Marinara Sauce: Tomatoes, Olive Oil, Onion, Garlic, Basil, Sea Salt... AND NOTHING ELSE!
Doesn't it just sound so all-natural that way?
Try this one out:
PRODUCT X: Sugar, Corn Syrup, Hydrogenated Palm Oil, Kernel Oil; Less than 2% of: Citric Acid, Tapioca Dextrin, Modified Corn Starch, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Colors (Red 40 Lake, Titanium Dioxide, Blue 2 Lake, Red 40, Blue 1, Blue 1 Lake, Yellow 5 Lake, Yellow 5, Yellow 6, Yellow 6 Lake), Sodium Citrate, Carnauba Wax... AND NOTHING ELSE!
When properly punctuated, Product X is probably some molecular gastronomic masterpiece invented at El Bulli.
It's not. It's Skittles!
This year use ...And Nothing Else in place of a period (e.g. I think Junior's cheesecake is overrated ...And Nothing Else!). Others may find it smug and off-putting, but that's because they can't hang with your artisanal values.
Your New Sports team... the 1969 New York Mets!
Remember the Miracle Mets? Remember Tom Seaver winning 25 games, Nolan Ryan's first quality season, and Donn Clendenon's World Series MVP?
Probably not.
It doesn't matter. In hipsterology, sports loyalties are as trend-driven as anything else. Futbol was cool in 2010, during the only World Cup the United States somewhat paid attention to. Unfortunately, cheering on your favorite third-world team is passe this time around.
This year, vintage Mets gear is all the rage. Outer-borough hipsters love Citi Field's relative accessibility and affordability. Unlike Shea Stadium, it's also a nice place to take in a game.
Now is the time to outfit with vintage-style team gear like this shirt from mlb.com. Then, when, the season comes, you can fashionably miss the games to watch old Doc Gooden videos and cry yourself to sleep.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Christmas Movie Power Rankings for 2013
With the Holiday season in full swing, this power ranking of the top 10 Christmas movies will help you organize and prioritize screenings for you and your family.
There are two criteria which determine each film's rank. First is the overall quality of the film (as judged by me). Second is the film's current relevance (according to the same panel).
The first score doesn't change much from year to year. Hence, it's the second score that really stirs the rankings.
10. A Christmas Story (1983)
It's the Great American Epic for those who once considered Johnny Carson the Great American Humorist. It's a nostalgic portrait of what passed for family dysfunction in the 1950's midwest. The film cracks the list because its tameness makes for annual ubiquity on basic cable.
It loses points for contemporary relevance, due to the protagonist's outdated longing for a .22 rifle. Raised on a decade of special-ops headshooting games, today's kids want some serious firepower coming down the chimney.
9. The Polar Express (2004)
Whereas the book is an understated classic, the movie is a big budget CGI-driven spectacular starring Tom Hanks. Because of its continual refinement, CGI doesn't always age well, and even the best can end up looking cheap by their fifth birthday. Hence, it's difficult to gage this movie's actual timelessness. I should have a better idea in forty years.
The film's greatest strength is its run time of 100 minutes. In other words, it will occupy the kids for 85 minutes longer than the book, and all you have to do is press play and refresh your egg nog.
8. A Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
It's saccharine piece of garbage, but it makes the list by dominating the airwaves from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day.
Expect it to slide in future years. The film begins with the Thanksgiving Day Parade, a boring institution which gets cheesier ever year. Much of it is set at Macy's, which was classy and cool in 1947, but doesn't mean much to modern shoppers. Finally, Kris Kringle's trial hinges on the integrity and cultural authority of the federal government, which is downright quaint. The film's contemporary relevance should only continue to slide.
Yes Virginia, everything really was that lame in the olden days.
7. Elf (2003)
For the time being, Elf is in a holding pattern around the middle of the order. Though an instant classic on its release, it is now a stale, 10-year old movie, featuring a no-longer-box-office-gold star. In a few years, it will hit the nostalgia sweet spot (15-20 years after release), sooner if Anchorman 2 is a hit (or Will Ferrell dies of a heroin overdose). At that point, it will be anchored in the Top 5.
Context aside, the film's humor is solid, and it doesn't lean on its effects budget as much as The Polar Express. Using the Empire State Building and Central Park as key settings is smart, as those things will probably still be around in a few decades.
6. The Santa Claus (1994)
Here is a perfect example of the nostalgia curve in action. The Santa Claus dominated the holiday box office in 1994 thanks to its white-hot star, Tim Allen (in November '94, Home Improvement was the highest rated show in America, and Allen's book hit number one on the New York Times bestseller list). Fifteen years later, the movie was a Clinton-era artifact with two bad sequels.
This is year, it's begun to work its way into the basic cable rotation, as America comes to remember that Tim Allen is a solid comedic actor. The Santa Claus is only his third best film (behind Toy Story and Galaxy Quest), but at a sentimental time of year, it may be the one that leads re-sparks interest in his works.
5. Jingle All the Way (1996)
When it comes to prime Christmas nostalgia, what's better than one 1990's comedy icon?
Three! In this case Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, and Phil Hartman. Critics hated Jingle All the Way for Schwarzenegger's wooden acting (despite nearly two decades of box office receipts, they had yet to figure out that America counted this as a positive), and materialistic premise. Which is to say it's critically despised in the best way possible.
Furthermore, in an age when Black Friday is a semi-holiday in its own right, Arnold and Sinbad's struggle to secure the last Turbo-Man for their sons is as relatable as ever.
4. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964)
Stop-motion never goes out of style. This is what keeps RRNR in the top 5, despite its annoying theme song.
It's also the go-to film for those who spend their Christmas plagued by emotional demons. Just get a few chronically depressed friends together and go around the room picking out which Misfit Toy you're most like.
3. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
It explored the over-commercialization of Christmas before that became its own empty headed cliche. Nearly 50 years later, it remains the definitive work on the subject. It's sarcastic, witty, charming, sweet-hearted and even edgy. Directly quoting the Gospel to explain the meaning of Christmas was as bold a statement then as it would be today.
On top of that, it introduced the Peanuts universe's signature tune: Linus and Lucy.
2. Frozen (2013)
I've never seen this movie. I don't even know if its been released in theaters yet. I'm just pandering to the children. After all, they're the one who will staff my nursing home.
1. Lethal Weapon (1987)
It's not even close. Lethal Weapon is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.
Not only that, it's one of the greatest movies for any time of year.
It's the story of Roger Murdock (Danny Glover) an old-school, by-the-book LAPD detective paired with Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson), a loose cannon special-ops veteran. Together they hunt down those who would make Christmas unmerry for the people of Los Angeles. Early tensions threaten to overwhelm the partnership. However, in time they develop mutual respect, professionally and personally.
It all comes to a head in one of the greatest fight scenes ever, a Jailhouse Rock soaked Jiu-Jitsu match between Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Joshua (Gary Busey). Though Riggs wins the fight with a triangle choke, Joshua steals a gun off an arresting officer, and takes aim before being gunned down by Riggs and Murdock...
Together.
Once stuck with each other through an error of destiny, the two men not only put aside their differences, but created a bond so strong they knew to turn and shoot with one mind.
And coming together with your fellow man is what Christmas is all about.
Here is a perfect example of the nostalgia curve in action. The Santa Claus dominated the holiday box office in 1994 thanks to its white-hot star, Tim Allen (in November '94, Home Improvement was the highest rated show in America, and Allen's book hit number one on the New York Times bestseller list). Fifteen years later, the movie was a Clinton-era artifact with two bad sequels.
This is year, it's begun to work its way into the basic cable rotation, as America comes to remember that Tim Allen is a solid comedic actor. The Santa Claus is only his third best film (behind Toy Story and Galaxy Quest), but at a sentimental time of year, it may be the one that leads re-sparks interest in his works.
5. Jingle All the Way (1996)
When it comes to prime Christmas nostalgia, what's better than one 1990's comedy icon?
Three! In this case Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, and Phil Hartman. Critics hated Jingle All the Way for Schwarzenegger's wooden acting (despite nearly two decades of box office receipts, they had yet to figure out that America counted this as a positive), and materialistic premise. Which is to say it's critically despised in the best way possible.
Furthermore, in an age when Black Friday is a semi-holiday in its own right, Arnold and Sinbad's struggle to secure the last Turbo-Man for their sons is as relatable as ever.
4. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (1964)
Stop-motion never goes out of style. This is what keeps RRNR in the top 5, despite its annoying theme song.
It's also the go-to film for those who spend their Christmas plagued by emotional demons. Just get a few chronically depressed friends together and go around the room picking out which Misfit Toy you're most like.
3. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
It explored the over-commercialization of Christmas before that became its own empty headed cliche. Nearly 50 years later, it remains the definitive work on the subject. It's sarcastic, witty, charming, sweet-hearted and even edgy. Directly quoting the Gospel to explain the meaning of Christmas was as bold a statement then as it would be today.
On top of that, it introduced the Peanuts universe's signature tune: Linus and Lucy.
2. Frozen (2013)
I've never seen this movie. I don't even know if its been released in theaters yet. I'm just pandering to the children. After all, they're the one who will staff my nursing home.
1. Lethal Weapon (1987)
It's not even close. Lethal Weapon is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.
Not only that, it's one of the greatest movies for any time of year.
It's the story of Roger Murdock (Danny Glover) an old-school, by-the-book LAPD detective paired with Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson), a loose cannon special-ops veteran. Together they hunt down those who would make Christmas unmerry for the people of Los Angeles. Early tensions threaten to overwhelm the partnership. However, in time they develop mutual respect, professionally and personally.
It all comes to a head in one of the greatest fight scenes ever, a Jailhouse Rock soaked Jiu-Jitsu match between Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Joshua (Gary Busey). Though Riggs wins the fight with a triangle choke, Joshua steals a gun off an arresting officer, and takes aim before being gunned down by Riggs and Murdock...
Together.
Once stuck with each other through an error of destiny, the two men not only put aside their differences, but created a bond so strong they knew to turn and shoot with one mind.
And coming together with your fellow man is what Christmas is all about.
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