Become a Rock Star this Summer! No Experience Necessary!

Good day Psychoeuphorologists!

Graduation season, my birthday, and all sorts of petty obligations have taken me away from this forum for the past few weeks. Now, it's time to give back to my loyal readership.

This post will outline rock band concepts that you can implement this summer, even if you have no musical background. These ideas can be tailored for any amount of people or gear. I even hook you up with a name, song ideas, and rationalizations for why your band sucks.

Have fun and get started. The women and free booze won't wait!


Band I

Name: Dies Irae

Genre: Not Madrigal, Hard Madrigal.

Concept: Gather a few voices and get it on! Singing on pitch or in key is neither good nor desirable in the Hard Madrigal genre. You want that edgy, cacophonous sound that takes your audience to the Eighth Layer of Hell. The Gregorians can keep their toothpaste-jingle chants. You sing in the language of the Early-Modern Street.

EP Track List: 1) Non al Suo Amante (Petrarch/da Bologna) 2) The Lamentations of Jeremiah (T. Tallis) 3) Crucifixus (A. Lotti) 4) Mash-up: My Bonny Lass She Smileth/April is in my Mistress's Face (T. Morely)

Why your band never made it: Excommunicated from most venues for refusing to sing Scarborough Fair.


Band II

Name: Penis Envy

Genre: Protest rock, punk.

Concept: A Pussy Riot tribute band! In an interview, Yoko Ono was asked if she thought Pussy Riot had any musical merit beyond their politics. She dodged the question. If Yoko Ono thinks they suck, how good do you have to be to play their hits?

EP Track List: (All songs by Pussy Riot) 1) Putin Got Scared 2) Death to Prison, Freedom to Protest 3) Raze the Pavement 4) Kropotkin-Vodka 5) Punk Prayer (Virgin Mary Put Putin Away)

Why your band never made it: KGB plot.


Band III

Name: Feelings Have Feelings Too

Genre: Wuss rock

Concept: What do you call someone who plays the tambourine, the kazoo, and the bongos? If you said  'a first-grader,' you're an insensitive bastard! They prefer the term 'multi-instrumentalist.' You'll need some friends for this one. One person playing a novelty instrument badly is bad. If nine people do it together, it's complex, nuanced, and intellectual. You may want to consider stage personas as well. For example, if you're Bruce Hammersmith from Bakersfield, CA, you should probably perform as Eliot Liebenstien from San Francisco.

EP Track List: (All songs by E. Liebenstien) 1) Remember the Africa Babies 2) Love as Warm as Vinyl 3) Estrella Roja 4) Concerto for Vuvuzela and Ukelele 5) The Ballad of Margaret Sloan-Hunter

Why your band never made it: You were always bigger in Europe.


Band IV

Name: The Gathering

Genre: Unknown

Concept: The band never actually existed. For the purpose of impressing chicks, it was a group you had with a couple friends back when you lived in another country. You had a nice little run of club gigs, and even scored a record deal. You won't find the record on this side of the Atlantic, and the label went out of business before the age of digital distribution.

EP Track List: Does it matter?

Why your band never made it: Too critically acclaimed to succeed.

Spring is Here... It's time for Waffle S'mores!

That's right, spring has sprung. We've past the April showers, and now we have May flowers... and lawn mowing, house cleaning, basketball playoffs, cookouts, sun lazing, etc... 

And you need a dessert than can hold up to all of it. 

You may have seen some recipes out there for Waffle S'mores, but most miss some of the finer points:

Use Frozen Waffles 

Though seasonal, all-natural ingredients are in vogue, many of America's signature desserts are designed for an industrial food supply. The classic example is Key Lime Pie, which made use of the only dairy product available in 19th Century South Florida: Sweetened Condensed Milk. 

The perfect Waffle S'more takes advantage of the frozen waffle's low moisture saturation and fine waffling, which allow it to retain more syrup, chocolate, and marshmallow than a fresh one.

Surface Area Matters

One should use the smallest size of marshmallow available. The higher surface area better covers the waffle while ensuring a complete and even melt. Oversize marshmallows will be burnt on top and cool on the bottom. 

Any chocolate will work, however, a thin milk-chocolate bar works best. Even if you prefer dark chocolate, a bar with high milk-solid content will melt better, and complement the other flavors. My favorite is the Lindt Classic Recipe Milk Chocolate bar.  

Broiling is Best

1) To make a Waffle S'more, start by setting your toaster oven to broil, and place the rack at its highest setting. Toast two frozen waffles until the tops are golden brown. 

2) On the browned side of one waffle place an even layer of marshmallows over the entire surface. Repeat this on the other waffle with broken up chocolate bar. Return to the toaster oven, and broil until the chocolate and marshmallow are melted. 

3) Put the waffle with chocolate on a dessert plate, chocolate side up. Place the marshmallow waffle on top of it, then rotate the top waffle 360 degrees, so that the chocolate and marshmallow mix. 

4) Top with maple syrup, and serve. 

The 2013 Harry Potter/NFL Mock Draft!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my quest to create the perfect content, I've learned a little bit about what people really want from published material in the digital age. For this post, I've taken three things America loves (football, countdowns, and magic/fantasy literature that make for good movies), and turned them into Supercontent. 

The order of this mock draft is current through the Darrelle Revis trade. The order will probably shuffle on Thursday, but I can't hold off any longer. 

Many of you were excited to click on this. The rest of you need to start being honest with yourselves. 

Have fun arguing in the comments section!

The picks are in...

Kansas City Chiefs: Rubeus Hagrid, OT, Gryffindor

In a draft full of intriguing but unproven prospects, Hagrid is considered a ‘can’t miss’ player. His 8’ 6’’ frame gives him the length and foot base to keep top pass rushers at bay. In addition, his strength and fierce instincts make him a force in the run game. The murky circumstances surrounding his expulsion from Hogwarts, as well as allegations of dragon-smuggling have raised character issues. Given Coach Andy Reid’s past success with troubled stars, Kansas City should be a good fit. 

Jacksonville Jaguars: Harry Potter, CB, Gryffindor

Though he played Seeker in college, he projects as a cornerback in the pros. He isn’t physically imposing, but his Quidditch tape belies a superior reactive athlete with excellent ball skills, and a dualist's mentality in one-on-one battles. His talent, leadership, and competitive spirit could turn around an underwhelming defense. 

Oakland Raiders: Ronald Weasley, PK, Gryffindor

Al Davis may be dead but his brand of irrational roster managment lives on in Oakland. Sebastian Janikowski, the team’s former first-round kicker, is 35, and entering his twilight decade. Ron Weasley’s pliable temperament and lack of skills make him an ideal backup and towel-boy. 

Philadelphia Eagles: Viktor Krum, CB, Durmstrang

Though some view him as the ‘other’ Quidditch-turned-corner prospect, Krum brings the size and physicality to the position Philadelphia hoped for from Nnamdi Asomaugh. Initially viewed as a small-school project player, his performances at the Quidditch World Cup and the Triwizard Tournament give him an unmatched big-game resume.   

Detroit Lions: Kingsley Shacklebolt, ILB, Gryffindor

A confident communicator who can bring cohesion to an undisciplined defense. As a career auror, some wonder if the wear and tear may catch up to him too soon.  

Cleveland Browns: Dobby, KR, Malfoy Household

An elusive, dependable, team-first player, whose fatalistic, servile attitude is well suited to special-teams play. Though undersized, his fearlessness and ability to make bigger players look foolish has drawn comparisons to Josh Cribbs. 

Arizona Cardinals: Albus Dumbledore, QB, Gryffindor

A cerebral player known for his calming effect on teammates. As an accomplished leglimens, he gathers and analyzes pre-snap information as well as any prospect of recent memory. Though not a great scrambler, his ability to fly without a broomstick gives him sufficient mobility. Despite the positives, his advanced age has sparked unflattering comparisons to Brandon Weeden.  

Buffalo Bills: Voldemort, ILB, Slytherin

A violent, cunning player with a chip on his shoulder and a cult-like following. Delights and excels at exploiting an opponent’s weaknesses. The perfect fit for a defense lacking talent and leadership at the linebacker position. His health is a major issue, as he has trouble maintaining a stable corporeal form. Furthermore, the league has yet to rule on the legality of horcruxes under the Banned Substance Policy. 

New York Jets: Severus Snape, QB, Gryffindor

A leglimens passer similar to Dumbledore, though without the same level of all-around mastery. His skill in occlumency takes on special value to a team known for loose lips around the media. Critics point to his moody, introverted disposition and question his ability to lead an NFL huddle. 

Tennessee Titans: Oliver Wood, C, Gryffindor

Wood’s work ethic is every coach’s dream. His experience as a Keeper should serve him well in pass protection. The center position favors awareness and leadership over pure size, and he should fare well if he can bulk up. 

San Diego Chargers: Charlie Weasley, OLB, Gryffindor

He is the most physically talented Weasley, with a powerful upper body and an understanding of leverage borne from dragon-wrangling. His experience with Norwegian Ridgebacks gives him the strong, violent hands to take on NFL offensive tackles. 

Miami Dolphins: Fenrir Greyback, DE, Slytherin

At his best, he is an explosive, high-motor player of unhuman viciousness. However, as a werewolf, his level of play is dictated by the lunar calendar. Though he may not show up every week, a full moon against New England could change the balance of power in the AFC East. 

New York Jets (from Tampa Bay): George Weasley, SS, Gryffindor

His experience as a bludger makes him a rangy player with a zest for hitting. The Jets will miss LaRon Landry, but Weasley brings similar skills to New York's defensive backfield. 

Carolina Panthers: Fred Weasley, SS, Gryffindor

Identical scouting report to his brother. 

New Orleans Saints: Peter Pettigrew, WR, Gryffindor

A small, shifty player. His willingness to injure opponents simply to please an evil authority figure makes him a fit in the Big Easy. Some scouts believe he is only effective in rat form. 

St. Louis Rams: Tim Tebow, QB, University of Florida

St. Louis passed up on Robert Griffin III last year, but they do secure the most magical player in this draft. 

Pittsburg Steelers: Dudley Dursley, DT, Little Whinging

His wide-body and blue-collar physicality command a premium in a draft which is light on old-school nose guards. Criticisms include poor conditioning, weak football intelligence, and lack of magic powers. Nonetheless, Pittsburg needs to address life after Casey Hampton. 

Dallas Cowboys: Olympe Maxime, TE, Beauxbatons

Never afraid to shake things up, Jerry Jones makes history by drafting the NFL’s first female player. As a half-giantess, she presents a big target for Tony Romo. 

New York Giants: Vincent Crabbe, MLB, Slytherin

The Giants may have finally found a successor to Antonio Pierce in Crabbe. His proficiency with the Cruciatus Curse allows him to dish out serious punishment without incurring helmet-to-helmet penalties. 

Chicago Bears: Draco Malfoy, WR, Slytherin

A competent, but not exceptional talent; his near translucent skin, combined with Chicago’s home whites, will be hard for defenses to track in a Midwestern blizzard. Malfoy is a potential game changer in late season strategy.  

Cincinnati Bengals: Mundungus Fletcher, OG, Order of the Phoenix

A squat, scrappy player with experience in protecting more valuable wizards. His history of petty crime would keep him off most rosters, but Cincinnati has never been shy about taking on players with checkered pasts. 

St. Louis Rams (from Washington): Dementor, DE, Azkaban Prison

The Rams already have a pair of big, physical ends in Chris Long and Michael Brockers, but adding a Dementor gives them a more spectral option. Though sucking out an opposing lineman’s soul constitutes illegal contact,  the Dementor's mere presence can undermine an offense's morale. 

Minnesota Vikings: Neville Longbottom, FS, Gryffindor

As the product of a two-auror household, he has the pedigree to do great things. He has flashed talent at times, but his timid nature has led scouts to question his commitment to football. 

Indianapolis Colts: Gellert Grindewald, LB, Durmstrang

It’s uncertain what role he would play, but being considered ‘One of the Most Dangerous Dark Wizards of All Time’ brings edginess to Indianapolis’ defense which has been missing since Bob Sanders left. 

Seattle Seahawks: Remus Lupin, RB, Gryffindor,

By drafting a werewolf, Seattle adds another halfback capable of ‘Beast Mode.’ 

Green Bay Packers: Alastor Moody, SS, Gryffindor

With the departure of Charles Woodson, Green Bay needs a defensive leader who brings toughness and experience. Moody fits the bill on both these counts, and his ‘Mad Eye’ allows him to literally see the whole field. Another player who would have gone higher if not for health concerns, his number of missing body parts raises questions about his long term durability. 

Houston Texans: Aberforth Dumbledore, QB, Gryffindor

Less magically talented than his brother, but as a bartender he became known for gathering and analyzing information about the opposition. This will serve him well as a scout team quarterback while developing behind Matt Schaub. 

Denver Broncos: Kreacher, RB, Black Household

He has a similar running style to Dobby, which Denver lacks on its current roster. His proud, self-critical attitude is a perfect for a Peyton Manning offense, as is his reverence for pure-blood quarterbacking lineage. 

New England Patriots: Grawp, DT, Forbidden Forest

With the top outside-the-numbers talent off the board, Bill Belichick goes for the best available player. Grawp is a raw mauler with high upside if he can translate his strength into technique. At 16’, he tends to play high in his stance, and some question whether he can grasp NFL defensive concepts. If developed properly, he could be unblockable. 

Atlanta Falcons: Antonin Dolohov, SS, Azkaban Prison

He is old, but old-school when it comes to enforcing. His reliability as a Death Eater should carry over to Atlanta. 

San Francisco 49ers: Fleur Delacour, Cheerleader, Beauxbatons

Her magical powers of seduction are useful for distracting opponents. Always the gamesman, expect Jim Harbaugh to take full advantage as he tries to bring San Francisco back to Super Bowl glory. 

Baltimore Ravens: Gilderoy Lockhart, P, Gryffindor

He doesn’t have any football skills, but no tribute British letters would be complete without Kenneth Branaugh.